Mental Health Awareness Month Day 10.
We “should” not use the word should.
I know, I already did what I just said we ought not do. That is because removing the word “should” from our vocabulary entirely may not be entirely realistic or even necessary. But I have benefitted from using “should” much less than I used to, and I bet you could too.
I constantly had a list of “shoulds” a mile long. I should be a better daughter. I should go back to school. I should go to her baby shower. I should eat less chocolate. I should exercise more. I should like people more. I should be married by now. I should be happier. I should be more productive. I should stop speeding. I should go to church. I should put on sunscreen. I should go to the dentist. I should turn down my music so I don’t bother them. I should take a quick shower so I don’t use all the hot water. I should give that homeless person some cash. I should fold my laundry. I should unpack. I should cull those photos. I should call my mom. I should take a shower. I should eat. I should go home. I should stay here. I should eat out less. I should love him. I shouldn’t wear that. I shouldn’t buy that. I shouldn’t care. I shouldn’t feel this way. I shouldn’t keep talking to him. I shouldn’t say that in front of them. I shouldn’t lay in bed all day. I shouldn’t take that much time off work. I shouldn’t kiss him yet. I shouldn’t say that. I shouldn’t want that. I could go on and on and on.
Making that list of hypothetical “shoulds” and “should nots” was painful because I hate that word so much. And I try very hard to not use it. Why? Because using “should” denotes a sense of obligation. It makes me feel like I have to do something or I’m being forced to do something. And if I don’t do that thing, then I feel guilt and shame. Guilt can sometimes be helpful, but too much of it can cause problems. According to Brene Brown, shame isn’t ever helpful. Together, guilt and shame can spiral out of control and cause more harm than good.
Sometimes we tell ourselves we should do something to please others. And people-pleasing isn’t a good motive for doing something. (More on this in another post.)
Instead of telling ourselves, we should do whatever it may be (whether to please someone or not), we need to ask ourselves what we want. This may seem like an insignificant shift, but it can make all the difference.
As I have tried to reframe my mind, I have noticed that I spent so much time “shoulding” that I lost track of what I wanted. It has been harder to figure out what I truly want because I was so conditioned to feel like I should do or not do certain things. I wanted to please everyone else and what I wanted or needed fell by the wayside in the process.
Of course, there are things we should/should not do. For the most part though, we can spend more time doing what we want and less time feeling obligated to do things just because we think we “should” or because we want someone’s approval.
A couple of hours ago, some guy I’ve never met asked me to send him pictures of myself (not dirty ones). Normally, l would just send pictures because I wanted to please him. But I told him no because I didn’t want to. And at the end of the day, doing something just because someone else wants me to isn’t serving me. (📷 by Tosha) #provo #provoriver #stopshoulding #stoppeoplepleasing #dowhatyouwant #whatdoyouwant #mentalillness #mentalhealth #mentalhealthawareness #mentalhealthawarenessmonth #mentalhealthinthetimeofcorona #letsbereal #31in31at31#agamutofgrey #lifeisbeautiful #may2020 5.10.20
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