Mental Health Awareness Month Day 5. And Happy Cinco de Mayo!
It's okay to not be okay.
By society's norms and social media's curated feeds, you might never realize this truth. In fact, I only came to learn it by trying to force myself to be okay for years and years and years. But forcing myself to be okay doesn't usually work. Actually, it generally makes things worse.
I don't remember my parents ever asking me if I was okay as a child. Even if they did ask or had asked that, would they have been equipped to handle any answer besides, yes. I highly doubt it.
And "how are you," is often how people greet each other. I would say 90% of the time people don't have time or expect or want you to say anything besides "good". That question is more about just making small talk than really wondering how you're actually doing.
It's okay to not be okay though. Sometimes that means telling someone how you really feel when they ask "how are you". Sometimes it means lying and saying you're fine because you don't want to talk about it or you don't feel comfortable being vulnerable with the person asking. Sometimes it means ignoring and avoiding people. Sometimes it means trying to be okay because you're tired of feeling crappy.
Last night I wanted to work out with Whitney "Hollywood" Gomez this morning. But then the time came to work out, and I just couldn't get out of bed. I felt awful and went back to sleep, hoping I could sleep it off. When I got up, I still felt less than good.
I spent almost all day watching shows and sleeping. I think part of my feeling not okay has to do with not being able to make complete sense of it. And that is ridiculous because mental illness isn't logical.
Depression doesn't make sense. There doesn't have to be a trigger or a reason you are depressed. Sometimes you are depressed out of nowhere. And that is OKAY. It is okay to not be okay.
I am aware that today wasn't a great day. And it's okay. I didn't feel good today. And it's okay. I haven't been able to come out of the upsetting haze of today. And it's okay.
I am trying to get better at allowing myself to be wherever I may be at, especially when I'm not okay. Sometimes that is hard. But it seems like the more accepting I am of myself, the more free I am to be myself. And eventually I make it back to being okay.
I didn't want to take a picture of myself tonight. I didn't want to write a post tonight. I don't want to do my writing to meet my daily word count. But I did/will do it anyway because keeping small promises to myself every day is what is helping me to spend more time being okay than not okay. And while it is okay to not be okay, I don't think not being okay justifies writing everything off, tuning everything out, and completely shutting down. But that is a completely different topic for another day. #heber #mentalillness #mentalhealth #mentalhealthawareness#mentalhealthawarenessmonth #mentalhealthinthetimeofcorona#depression #letsbereal #itsoktonotbeok#keepsmallpromisestoyourself #howareyou #howareyoureally#acceptance #31in31at31 #agamutofgrey #lifeisbeautiful #may2020 5.5.20
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