"The Best is Yet to Be"

When I was young girl, I set lots of goals. I had big plans and dreams for my future, specifically my life as an adult. But as I began my senior year of high school, I realized that dreams are far too easily shattered. Life doesn't ever play out the way you wish it would.

When I was 11 or so, I made a list of the things I wanted to accomplish by the time I turned 26. On that list was graduate from college, get married, and have two kids. Well, I am 27 and have yet to do any of those things. Just a silly example of how things haven't turned out how I thought they would.

I hope one day that I'll be able to look back and say that things turned out far better. Although I can't honestly say that yet, this last year hasn't been the worst. It's been better than last year in many ways, but I think the best is yet to come.

Sadly, I haven't been as good about setting goals in my adult years. My reasoning? I feel like every time I set a goal, it's just setting myself up for failure. Ashamedly I admit, I stopped setting goals in the traditional sense years ago because I didn't want to continue a pattern of failure. Although, occasionally I would set some goals, but I was usually super cautious about them and didn't set many.

I don't remember setting goals for 2015. I think I just wanted to survive and not be heartbroken anymore. I knew I would be able to be okay after a broken engagement, but I definitely underestimated how long that would take. I took a lot of steps backward before I could take steps forward again. The part of my heart that broke when I decided I wouldn't get married has finally healed. I am grateful for that tender mercy. I knew it would happen, but it is still a miracle to me. Because calling off a wedding and moving forward is much harder than I imagined it would be.

Also, I jokingly hoped I would be able to live in the same place for the whole year, after countless moves in 2014. And I was super blessed. On January 1, 2015, I moved into a condo in Provo to live with two other girls I didn't know. They ended up being the best roommates I have ever had. A few months into the year, I started to have serious anxiety when I found out that one of them was probably going to move, which meant I would get a new roommate. And what are the odds of having just as good of a roommate if not better? I would say pretty low. Luckily, my roommate stayed, and shortly after, her sister moved in with us, who has been a wonderful addition.

It has been so nice to live in the same place, be in the same ward, and have the same roommates this year. The best part is that I love living in Provo, and I'm grateful that I finally get to be here. And I feel like this year has been preparation for all that is coming in 2016.

Over the last couple of months, I have felt that not much has happened in this past year. Even though a piece of me has been made whole again, I still feel like I have failed in so many ways. But as I've really looked back on this year, I've realized that I have had much success despite my ongoing challenges. And I'm excited for 2016 because "the best is yet to be" ("Grow Old with Me" -John Lennon).

If I could set just one goal for next year, it would be to become more of the person that I want to be. To be... a little less selfish, a little more kind, a little less angry, a little more patient, a little less plugged in, a little more genuine, a little less worried about what others are doing, a little more concerned with what I'm doing, a little less worldly, a little more spiritual, a little less lazy, a little more productive, a little less boring, a little more fun, a little less proud, a little more humble, a little less stuck in the past, a little more focused on the future, a little less bitter, a little more forgiving, a little less hateful, a little more compassionate, a little less like the natural man, and a little more like Him.

How do we become more like Him? By doing His will. As we keep the commandments and keep our covenants, our desires become a little more like His. Through the atonement, we are literally changed. Because through Him, we are constantly bettering ourselves and becoming more of the person that we want to be. We go from obeying out of duty to obeying out of love. We can and will become better and more like Christ if we will follow Him and come unto Him.

Yesterday, I read Al Fox Carraway's book, More Than the Tattooed Mormon, (If you haven't read it, you need to!) in a period of a few hours. (For not being much of a reader, though I'm trying to change that, it was quite an accomplishment.) I can agree with her when she said, "Not once have things gone the way I had in mind, not once." But I look forward to the day when I can say, like Al, "My life is not at all what I planned or expected; it's profoundly better." Because I know that day will come. "The best is yet to be."

"Doubt Your Doubts"

I don't think I have ever doubted as much in my entire life until this past year. I've been so confused and frustrated. I've felt so bitter and angry. I've questioned so many things that I've spent my whole life believing and knowing to be true. For the most part, I've tried to keep going anyway and keep doing what I know I should even though my heart hasn't been entirely in it. I have worried that I may never be as spiritually strong as I used to be, but that worry started to fade today.

I wanted to go to church today, which was unusual because lately that desire hasn't been there very often. (I've been trying to go despite how I feel though.) As I sat in fast and testimony meeting, I couldn't remember the last time I was in a fast and testimony meeting (although it was probably last month) much less the last time I bore my testimony.

I thought about how I used to bear my testimony more often on fast Sunday, and I wondered when I would do it again. I thought that today could be today, but of course, as soon as I thought that, a million reasons why I shouldn't came to my mind. Sadly, the theme of my excuses seemed to be doubt and fear. Anybody that knows me knows I love the gospel and I love speaking. But for the first time that I could remember (possibly the first time in my entire life) I was afraid to stand up in front of a congregation and bear my testimony. "Doubt your doubts" came into my mind. I tried to focus on what I do know. I thought of one thing that has been constant through my entire life, including this past year of doubt. That is my love for the temple. I wish I could say that it is a deep love and understanding, and maybe one day it will be. But right now, it is fairly superficial. I honestly can say I have always had a love for the temple, even though it may not be what you think.

Ever since I can remember I have dreamed of entering the temple. The dream was that one day I'd be married there and I would get to attend frequently. I remember when I was four or five, I was given my own picture of the San Diego Temple. I'm pretty sure it was taken before the temple was dedicated because it isn't a perfect picture. But I have loved and cherished that picture ever since I received it.

As a youth, I went to the temple to do baptisms for the dead. As I prepared to leave on my mission, I went to the temple to receive my endowment. Since being endowed, I have entered the temple to do initiatories, endowments, and sealings for those who have passed on and are no longer able to do them for themselves. I have also had the opportunity to be an ordinance worker at two different times.

However, in the last year I have spent more time just being on temple grounds and photographing temples than participating in work inside. I have found myself wondering why I am content with simply being on the grounds than being inside. I still don't have an answer.

What I do know is, I love the temple and what it reminds me of. For me, the temple stands as a beacon of light, hope, and peace. It is a reminder that Heavenly Father has a perfect plan for each of us. That plan is to come to earth to a family and then create families of our own. The family is the perfect setting, which allows us to become like God so that one day we can return to live with Him forever.

As I was listening to the testimonies that were being shared, I still couldn't decide to share my own. Then my home teacher got up to bear his testimony. He started off by saying how his mission president always used to tell him that you gain a testimony faster when you share it than when you pray for it. It was in that moment that I knew I needed to bear my testimony.

After I made that decision, panic struck, which for me is unusual in this situation. I didn't know what to say because I feel like I still have so many doubts. But, I thought about the temple and how it is has been the one constant in my life. I also thought about marriage and families. Last night, I was talking to my roommate about how for me, I have always known that marriage is ordained of God and between a man and a woman. I don't know how I was blessed to know that and never question it, but I was and I am. That's what I felt I needed to share.

My testimony was short and simple. I said something like this:

As I've watched big life changing events happen in the lives of those around me, I've thought about how grateful I am for the knowledge I have that Heavenly Father has a perfect plan for us. That plan is for us to be here in families. And in those families it provides the perfect setting for us to become like Him so we can return to live with Him. Marriage is ordained of God. I know that His plan is perfect. As we choose to align our wills we His we can participate in that perfect plan and one day return to live with Him.

What was interesting was what I felt after I bore my testimony. I returned to my seat and began to cry because I already felt that the super strong and solid faith and testimony I once had was beginning to return. I started writing quickly, so I wouldn't forget this moment or experience.

"After [my home teacher] bore his testimony, I knew I needed to bear mine even though I really didn't want to. Even though it's been forever. Even though I haven't been as resilient. Even though I fell away. Even though I have doubted so much. Even though I don't feel like I know things like I used. Even though I didn't even know what to say because I didn't want to be a hypocrite or come across as proud. But I knew that what [my home teacher] said is true. And that with as much as I've been doubting and grown weary in fighting against Satan, that I needed to bear it today possibly more than I've ever needed to bear my testimony."

I felt my soul begin to heal today. I knew that out of all of the times I've shared my testimony, today was the time when it was more for me than for anyone else. Because I literally felt a change in my spirit after I bore my testimony. 

"I've doubted more in the last year than my entire life, but as I focus on what I know and as I humble myself to receive the spirit into my life, I am reminded of the truths of the gospel. I am reminded that I have always known the Church is true. And as I bore my testimony today for the first time in months, maybe even a year, I received more strength to overcome my doubts. I can see that my doubts will fade as I continue to grow strong in the gospel again."

President Uchtdorf said, "Therefore, my dear brothers and sisters--my dear friends--please, first doubt your doubts before you doubt your faith. We must never allow doubt to hold us prisoner and keep us from the divine love, peace, and gifts that come through faith in the Lord Jesus Christ" (Come Join With Us).

ChrisMarie Photography

Growing up, I always wanted to be a teacher. Yet, here I am, 26 years old, doing technical support for an accounting software company. I never thought I'd say that. Mainly because accounting is what my dad does, and I didn't think I would do anything even semi-related to what he does. I thought I had life all figured out when I was younger, but clearly life doesn't always go the way you think it will.

Even though I am not Ms. Hogewoning to students at a school, I am okay with that. As I've gotten older, I've gained an even greater respect for teachers. I have watched many of my peers go through school, do their student teaching, and land jobs as teachers as schools all over the US. I admire them for the hard work, determination, patience, stress, and everything else they go through to have the title of Mr./Ms./Mrs. to a classroom full of students. All of that being said, I still love teaching, but for now, school is not for me, as a student or a teacher.

Since leaving BYU-I and student life in fall 2012, I have tried to decide what I want to do. I honestly don't know why it took me so long to figure it out. Actually I know exactly why. Because I always thought that going into the arts isn't exactly a reliable industry. I felt I needed to do something that we would always need, like teachers. That sounded like a safe, reliable, and stable career. Over the last few years, I have thought of many different things I might enjoy and/or be good at. I've contemplated a number of jobs/careers. But I always come back to one thing-photography.

Just a year ago, I thought that becoming a photographer would be something I would do in the distant future. It didn't seem like something I would do anytime soon. But once again, my plans changed. I immediately decided I would move to Utah and pursue photography since those are two things I've been wanting to do for quite some time.

I've lived in Utah for nine and a half months now, and I'm finally going to start building a photography business. This is my unofficial announcement of ChrisMarie Photography. (I say unofficial because I don't have a business license yet. And to me that seals the deal, but I know it won't be long before I have a license.) I'm excited to finally be doing something I love so much! I have lots of ideas, thoughts, and goals for the future. I've been blessed to have met some incredible photographers who have shared their wisdom and knowledge about exactly what I want to do. The greatest thing I've learned in the last nine months or so is that I can have the business I want and be the photographer I want to be. I think part of the reason I was never serious about photography when I was younger is because I assumed you had to fit some mold and be some certain kind of photographer. But I have recently learned that is not true. It has been liberating and motivating to know that I can do exactly what I want and chase my dreams.

While I was in San Diego for a wedding at the end of May, I did a few sessions. I just finished processing a session of one of my best friends, Catie, and her husband, Ty. I have posted my favorite images on my photography site. Here is the link to check them out: Catie & Ty. I hope you'll enjoy my work and follow me there! I'm excited to continue capturing moments and cherishing memories of those I know and others I've just met.

"There is Hope Smiling Brightly Before [Me]"

Little did I realize at the time, my trip to Moab would be a turning point in my life. In my last post, I mentioned a few temporal fears and how I overcame them that day. Those were fears that I didn't know were there until I was in the moment, and by the end of the day I had overcome them and they were long gone. I wish that all of our fears were overcome in a single day. But it usually doesn't work that way. However, I began to overcome much deeper fears that day.

The last nine and a half months have been the hardest months of my life. Although, nine and a half months ago, I was so determined to stay strong, to be happy, and to keep going, somewhere and somehow I lost that determination. It became apparent that the girl who I thought was so invincible clearly wasn't. I started giving into things I never thought I'd give into and I started giving up on everything and everybody. Because nothing was helping or motivating me to be strong anymore. And there was no hope, not even a glimmer. So I just kept asking myself, what's the point? I ended up cutting almost everything and everyone out of my life. I couldn't handle anything or anybody.

I felt anger and bitterness, but I couldn't really pinpoint why. And it became impossible to love anyone including myself. I wanted things that I never ever wanted before, and most everything I ever desired, I no longer cared about. The things that made me happy before, no longer brought joy. And I felt like my whole life started to go in a very different direction than I ever pictured or wanted.

Meanwhile, I still knew deep down who I really wanted to be and where I really wanted to go. I just didn't know how to get back on that path. I didn't know how to let go of the anger that haunted me every day. I felt like I was completely alone and there was nothing anybody could say or do that would help or give me that glimmer of hope that I so desperately needed. And even though I knew otherwise, I felt completely undeserving of anything or anyone.

The one thing I tried to keep doing no matter what was photography. (Since I moved to Utah last August, I decided I was going to pursue photography more seriously.) I also made a bucket list of things I want to do while I'm living in Utah. I attempted to make Saturday a day to look forward to and maybe even enjoy. Because it seemed like there was absolutely nothing that brought happiness to my day, not even for a moment.

I had originally planned on taking a trip to Vernal (mainly to photograph the temple), but a few days before I decided I would go to Moab instead. (Moab is way more exciting than Vernal anyway, right? ;) ) I was super excited to go to Moab. I went to bed super early the night before so I could get up super early and arrive around sunrise. I had a hard time falling asleep. It reminded me of trying to fall asleep the night before a Disneyland trip as a kid, which I didn't think there was anything that could match the excitement of the anticipation of going to Disneyland.

The morning of my trip to Moab, I woke up happy and excited. All the fear aside, I was happy all day long. And when I got home that night, I felt a glimmer of hope for the first time in months. My fears didn't completely disappear, but I felt hope. That night and the next morning, I pulled my seemingly out of control life to a screeching halt. It was like I was trying to piece together a puzzle that I didn't have the right pieces to. I removed all of the things that I had never wanted (the pieces that didn't fit), but had become part of my life. And I started to put the pieces of my life back together that I had tossed aside.

The last few weeks haven't been easy, but knowing I'm headed in the right direction has made it easier. And last week specifically, because of a catalyst I had wished for, I felt most of those negative feelings dissipate. And as I sat in church at the conclusion of sacrament meeting yesterday, I couldn't help but think, "There is hope smiling brightly before [me]," which to me was a beautifully miraculous thought. Because there was no hope that I could see for so long. And suddenly, it truly is "smiling brightly before [me]." I think I laughed and smile more in this past week than I have in a long, long time.

Even though I am not proud of the majority of things that have transpired in these last nine and a half months, I am grateful for the atonement of Jesus Christ, which makes it possible for us to correct our course at any time and allows us be completely clean again. I am grateful for the gift of agency, which allows us to choose for ourselves and reap the consequences, whether they are good or bad. I am grateful for a merciful Heavenly Father who loves us unconditionally and constantly reaches out to us no matter how far we may stray.

Though my desires may have changed for a time, I am grateful to never have doubted what I know to be true. I am grateful for the truths of the gospel and for the foundation and strength they provide in my life.

I know hard times are inevitable, but I hope for now that the worst is behind me. Regardless of what is in store for me, I know that as long as I trust in Him and keep my covenants, I will make it through.

"Therefore [I] Hushed [My] Fears"

I had tentatively made plans to go out of town yesterday to somewhere I had never been before. But kinda last minute I changed the destination. I did some research to know how to get there and enough about it to know what to expect.

I was super excited to go somewhere I had never been and to enjoy being outside in a beautiful setting. I went to bed super early (like 7pm) on Friday night and got up super early (like 3 am). I got ready for the day and packed all the things I would need for my day long trip.

I was grateful to be driving when there would be very few cars on the road, and before I left I had no worries about the drive. I was slightly worried about the hike I had chosen, though I knew it would be rewarding if I could just make it.

Part way into my drive, I started to have different fears... what if a deer ran out and I hit it, what if a passing semi crossed the median line and hit me, what if I needed to pull over, what if my brakes went out, what if I careened off the road to my death, etc. Turning my brights on and off repeatedly, I even grew scared of the dark, wishing the sun would rise already. Those may seem like ridiculous concerns. (Shelly always hated when her kids or I played what she called "The What If Game." So maybe it's silly just because I was worried about things that were unlikely and hadn't happened to me.) Regardless of how justified they may seem or not seem now, while I was driving they were very real fears. I just kept praying, with clenched fists, that nothing would happen and that I'd be kept safe. And it seems as soon as I'd do that, I'd calm down and my fear would dissipate. And I read every single sign I drove by, which I don't think I'd ever seen as many warnings and cautions as on this highway. I even spent most of the drive going the speed limit or under, which is quite out of character since I've been known to have a lead foot. I was so grateful when daylight started to break through the bleak darkness. I was even more grateful when the day had completely taken over the night. And I couldn't have been happier or more relieved than when I finally reached my destination.

I drove to the trail head of my chosen hike. It was a beautiful and scenic drive, even though there was much fog. I kept thinking that I could just drive around and skip the hike. (There was even a viewpoint of the peak of the hike, so I would be able to see the same end point as I would if I had gone up the trail.) But I didn't back out. I decided to still go on the hike. Even when I got out of the car to fog and sprinkling, I didn't turn around. I hadn't driven this far to go back at this point.

Before I had made a final decision about where I would go and what I would do on Saturday, I worried that I might be too out of shape to do something physical. But I had been wanting to go here for years and made the choice to go despite how under qualified I thought I was for what I wanted to do.

The hike was much easier than I had anticipated. And sure enough, when I reached the summit, I don't think I could have been any happier. The view was well worth the short hike. I stood there admiring one of the most well-known landmarks, but was content with my view. I had no desire to be right next to it. I considered leaving without actually making it all the way to the landmark.

I had hiked behind what appeared to be a mother and daughter from India. I had passed them at some point and reached the top before them. When they finally made it to the top, they took what seemed like a million of the exact same pose and picture after asking someone to take one for them. They said they had come a long ways. They stood just a few feet away from where I was very content standing. After what seemed like many photos, they turned around and left, without even attempting to get right next to the landmark.

As I stood there, with solid footing, I thought about their choice. How could they come "all this way" and be perfectly happy with just merely viewing this famous sight when the ability to be next to it wasn't that much further? Then I thought about what I would decide. I had driven 3 plus hours just to see this beautiful rock formation, and yet I was considering, like them, just leaving after viewing it. Did I really come "all this way" just to see it from a distance?

I don't consider myself afraid of heights, but as I debated what I would do, I realized I am very afraid of heights in certain settings. The fear I would tumble off the ledge to the bottom the pit was very real. I had no confidence in my ability to walk on the slick rock, even though the longer I stood there, the more people I watched make it safely around and across to the formation. Nobody was sliding or stumbling much less falling to their death. I was being completely ridiculous. I thought that I could probably make it. Then I thought about how most of them had a spouse or a friend who was with them to help them in case they wanted assistance. And I saw some of them helping each other get up, or climb over rock, etc. I thought that my being alone was a valid excuse to turn around and make my descent down the trail. But part of me was wanting so desperately to go big. (I had a district leader on my mission who often said, "Go big or go home.")

Finally, I got brave. (Yes, I could hear Sarah Bareilles cheering me on, "I wanna see you be brave.") I climbed over the huge rock lip in front of me and then started to making my way across the rock ledge. In the middle, I thought I would sit down and take some photos. The entire time I was sitting there, I could feel myself slipping a little. And a few feet in front of me was the edge of the ledge. I could feel gravity working on me, and I was so scared to the point that I couldn't move to take another photo. I guess I had picked a bad place to sit. I attempted to stand up, but I was so afraid I would slip or stumble and tumble off the edge. Somehow I pushed all of that out of my mind and was able to stand up. Then I made my way closer to the rock where a line of people had formed waiting to take a picture with this infamous sight. (Although, I love photos, I decided quite a while ago that I don't need to be in it to be satisfied. Plus, I had taken a selfie back where I felt super confident and had no fear of falling, with the formation in the background. I was totally fine with just that.)

Eventually I made it all the way to Delicate Arch, though I didn't walk underneath it, just beside it. I guess maybe I still didn't "go big." But I really didn't want to stand in line just to walk underneath and get a photo where you wouldn't even be able to make out it was me underneath this massive arch. The view behind the arch was worth the short, yet scary walk over. And I did take some more photos at that different angle of the arch.

After a little while, I started to make my way back across the ledge. Midway across I stopped to take photos, close to where I had sat before. Once my fear of heights got the best of me, I put my camera away and started walking back to the rocks very slowly. I must have looked ridiculous because at one point a guy mockingly said, "Careful, don't fall." I seriously resented that remark though it was probably deserved. But he had no idea the things I had been previously thinking and what a victory it was that I had even made it.

Of course, I made it back just fine. The hike back down was nothing. Once I reached the bottom, I decided to go to the viewpoint of the arch. I was even more grateful I had actually hiked to Delicate Arch after seeing it from the viewpoint. The viewpoint doesn't do a justice. Although, for those who can't or don't want to hike the trail, it's better than nothing.

I spent a few more hours driving around and exploring Arches National Park. I didn't do anymore hiking though. I basically drove and then would stop get out and take pictures. But it was amazing! Moab is absolutely beautiful!

Mid-afternoon, I decided it was time to head back to Provo. I wanted to make it back before it started getting dark because of my fears that morning driving in the dark. At first, it felt so nice to drive back in complete daylight. But I wasn't familiar with the roads because I had only driven it once, mostly in the dark. But a majority of the way is just two lanes, one going one direction and one going the other. I would get nervous because cars would be going much faster behind me and then would get stuck behind me going much slower until there was a passing lane. I also was so worried my brakes would fail me or that coming around a curve the car would slide, so I went much slower descending the canyon, sometimes while braking.

Again, I just kept praying that I'd be able to calm down and not be freaked out so that I could make it. Multiple times I thought I should just pull over for a while. But I figured if I stopped, I wouldn't want to start again. And that would also mean I might drive back in partial darkness depending on how long I stopped for. I just kept driving and couldn't wait to reach I-15 and something familiar.

Once I made it back to the main interstate, I decided to stop at the Payson Temple, even though I was so exhausted and just wanted to be home. I figured it might be my last chance to be at the temple with few people before it's crazy busy for the open house.

It was so peaceful on the temple grounds, even with the few children running around. The spirit was so strong, even though it hasn't been dedicated. I felt so calm, which was a stark contrast to what I'd felt during a good portion of the day. It made for a great conclusion to a wonderful trip.

I feel like these experiences were a living testament of Elder Bednar's most recent conference talk. Though it's very possible I would have been safe even without praying, the act of praying gave me the peace and calm that I could do this and I would be okay. "Correct knowledge of and faith in the Lord empower us to hush our fears because Jesus Christ is the only source of enduring peace." I know Elder Bednar was talking about spiritual fears, but it applies to all fears. Just like the people of Alma, "...[the] knowledge of the Savior’s protecting watchcare enabled [me] to hush [my] own fears."

Safely driving to Moab and back and making to it Delicate Arch were small temporal triumphs that are unimportant in the eternal scheme of things. But it reminded me of the power we have to overcome all things, temporal and spiritual. We are so blessed that we are never alone for one second. He is always there, ready and willing to help us. All we have to do is ask.

"...He is the way - the only way - we can overcome mortal challenges, be healed, and return back to our heavenly home." -Carole M. Stephens (The Family is of God)

"I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me." (Philippians 4:13)

I'm Coming Home!

I'm beginning to see a pattern, and I feel so blind for not recognizing it sooner. And maybe it's not that I haven't noticed, but that I haven't wanted to. But it seems like I can somehow force myself through the monotony of each day for 29 days regardless of how exhausted, mad, alone, and sad I feel. Then on day 30, I seem to crack or break down and not even for the day, maybe a few hours, and sometimes just a few minutes. In that short time I am reminded of a few things:

I am so blessed.

Heavenly Father has a perfect plan for me.

I am not alone.

I am loved.

And then how quickly I forget and fall back into my frustration and bitterness. Nothing seems to matter, and life becomes a chore again.

And day 30 came back around today. Except this time, Heavenly Father has reminded me of the same things through a different tender mercy...

I booked my flight home to San Diego for Tavin's wedding in May! And I was so excited that I had to tell my family and closest friends immediately. (I honestly can't remember the last time I was this excited for anything.) And the mutual excitement between me and a best friend, turned into an hour long conversation with tears and laughter, but mostly tears. Tears are often equated with sadness, and I felt that tonight for both of us for different reasons. But I also felt love and hope and strength for her and for myself. Lately those things are fleeting for me, so I was truly grateful to feel those things again. I was also reminded that:

I have allowed Satan to take advantage of my weak and vulnerable state.

I can become strong again, but the only way to do that is to not give up, but to keep going and endure, and it might take time (possibly and most likely more than I'd like it to).

I am a good person.

I will get though this.

After our conversation, the tears flooded. Because I am grateful for a loving Heavenly Father who puts people in my life to remind me that I am loved unconditionally. Even when I don't want to accept that love because I feel like I don't deserve it, they love me anyway, but most importantly He loves me anyway. And because He reminds me continually that my deepest desire should be to "come home." I don't mean going home to San Diego. But there is a strong parallel between how I feel about going home to San Diego in a couple of months for a few days and how I should feel about returning to my heavenly home at some point later down the road for eternity.

I have friends and family in San Diego who I can't wait to see and they can't wait to see me. I have friends and family in San Diego who I don't want to disappoint.I have friends and family in San Diego who make me want to be better. I have friends and family in San Diego who love me no matter what. And they are always cheering me on, even when I fall. They remind me of my potential. Sometimes being away from, these things can become easy to forget.

Just like my friends and family back home in San Diego, I have friends and family on the other side of the veil. They are anxiously awaiting my return. In the mean time, they are cheering me on. They cry with me in my sorrow. And they joy with me in my successes. They love me despite my weaknesses and imperfections. They can see who I can become.

But because they aren't here, it can be harder to remember. It becomes easy to feel alone. The temptation to give up is strong. And it becomes so easy to become overwhelmed and lose hope, lose sight, and lose faith. BUT...

"These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world." (John 16:33)

What does that mean to us? What does that mean for me and you?

"As part of our mortal probation, we pass through affliction, pain, and disappointment. Only in Jesus Christ can we find peace. He can help us to be of good cheer and to overcome all the challenges of this life.

"What does it mean to be of good cheer? It means having hope, not getting discouraged, not losing faith, and living life joyfully. 'Men are, that they might have joy.' It means facing life with confidence.

"The gospel of Jesus Christ gives us the strength and the eternal perspective to face what is coming with good cheer" ("Be of Good Cheer and Faithful in Adversity" by Elder Adhemar Damiani in April 2005 General Conference).

It has been quite ironic to me that I finally live where I have wished for most of my life to live, yet since moving to Utah, I feel like I have struggled more in literally every aspect of life than at any other time. I have felt such unhappiness, pain, and fear. But as I drove home from work today while passing Y Mountain in view to my left, I began to cry because I couldn't help but think of how blessed I am to live Provo. I have literally dreamed of living here, and it is now my reality. (#amidreaming)

Just minutes before arriving at home every day, I come within view of both Provo temples on the horizon, which are both less than 5 miles from where I live. Everyone I work with is LDS. My church building is literally in what would be my backyard if I had one, and yet I pass two other church buildings on my three minute drive to church. If I want, I can see the Mormon Tabernacle Choir perform live every Sunday morning. (I have had multiple opportunities to see them perform in the short time I have lived here. Thank you, Gail!) I no longer have to "go to Utah" for conference weekend. I have the comfort of sleeping in my own bed and being able to view General Conference live at the Conference Center if I choose. Within about a 40 mile stretch of I-15, I can see six temples from the freeway. And every single day, I see the beautiful mountains. I can't even begin to count the many friends and family members I know and love that live in this wonderful state. And to top it all off, I've been blessed with a great job, a wonderful ward, an amazing bishopric, an awesome stake presidency, and incredible roommates. I love Utah! And I'm so grateful to call it home.

I know that gratitude, love, power, and strength can once again become a regular, daily, and even minutely part of my life. I just have to keep my eye on the goal and remember, "I'm coming home!"

"O Captive Daughter"

Sometimes you read scriptures and think, that will never be me. How could they have been that proud, evil, etc? And then you learn why you never say never. The day comes where you read those same verses and sadly and humbly think, how did this become me? That's exactly how I felt tonight as I read 2 Nephi 8:25: "Shake thyself from the dust; arise, sit down, O Jerusalem; loose thyself from the bands of thy neck, O captive daughter of Zion." Tonight I realized that I have started to become a "captive daughter of Zion."

Lately I have been feeling that Satan has been winning and I have been losing. What I couldn't really see was that I was letting him win. But I couldn't see that because I was letting him win. It wasn't until I acted, instead of letting Satan act upon me, that I was able to have victory over him and win. It wasn't a complete shut out, but it was improvement compared to losing the last couple of days. It felt good to have success tonight.

Just because I won tonight, doesn't mean the battle is over. It is being fought every minute of every day. We have to make sure we are always actively engaging in the war against Satan because if we don't, we will end up somewhere we don't want to be, before we know it, wondering how we got there.

Elder Neal A. Maxwell said, "What we insistently desire, over time, is what we will eventually become and what we will receive in eternity... Only by educating and training our desires can they become our allies instead of our enemies!" ("According to the Desire of [Our] Hearts" October 1996 General Conference).

We talked about agency at institute tonight, and I was reminded of how important it is for us to be agents unto ourselves instead of agents to be acted upon. It sounds simple, but we live in a time where it is easy to allow other things or people to act upon us.

"...If you are not proactive in educating your desires, the world will do it for you. Every day the world seeks to influence your desires, enticing you to buy something, click on something, play something, read or watch something. Ultimately, the choice is yours. You have agency. It is the power to not only act on your desires but also to refine, purify, and elevate your desires. Agency is your power to become. Each choice takes you closer to or further from what you are meant to become... Always ask yourself, 'Where will this choice lead?' Develop the ability to see beyond the moment" ("The Choice Generation" by Randall L. Ridd April 2014 General Conference).

We live in a fast-paced world full of distractions and instant gratification, which sometimes makes it difficult to remember how important our every decision is. We must not forget that, "Satan wants to control [our] agency so he can control what [we] become. He knows that one of the best ways to do this is by trapping [us] with addictive behavior" ("The Choice Generation").

We must remember who we are, children of God with agency, which is a divine gift that God has given us. We are responsible for every choice we make, even if we think we are not. We always have a choice. Even when other things or people are acting upon us, we are choosing to permit them to do so. Nobody ever forces us to do anything. We always have a choice.

Before writing this, I glanced over my last post. It is interesting to me that I wrote about agency then, and now, about a month later, I am writing about agency again. Clearly, this has been weighing heavily on my mind, and Heavenly Father is still trying to teach me what I need to learn. And Satan has been hard at work on me. But I won't continue to be a captive daughter. I have been awoken, and I will put on my strength, shake myself from the dust, and arise (2 Nephi 8:24-25).

"I Hope You Dance"

As I was driving to Murray tonight to meet up with a long time friend of mine who I haven't seen in years, one of my favorite songs came on the radio. I was mindlessly singing along when all of a sudden tears began to swell in my eyes to the point that I couldn't sing the words...

"Don't let some hell bent heart leave you bitter,
When you come close to sellin' out reconsider,
Give the heavens above more than just a passing glance,
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance,
I hope you dance..."

I've listened to this song hundreds of times. And every time I have listened to it, I've never really taken the second verse to heart because it's always been my goal to be my best and do my best. But recently, that hasn't been the case. So tonight these words really hit me and made me wonder where I'm going and what I'm doing with my life.

I've been selling out, which according to Wikipedia (I know, it's a super reliable source.) is the compromising of integrity, morality, authenticity or principles in exchange for personal gain, such as money. I've also allowed a hell bent heart or two to leave me bitter. And I definitely haven't been dancing. I've been sitting out and trying to convince myself that I am enjoying it more than I ever enjoyed dancing.

I remember being a teenager and thinking that I was rock solid and nothing could shake me. I basically thought I was invincible, which I guess is not an uncommon thought for a teenager to have. I watched people live life, and I thought, I'll never do that, I'll never be that, that will never happen to me, I could handle that so much better, etc. I was SO judgmental and SO proud!

But I think we have all done that at some point in our lives. Then something happens which forces us to realize that we are all human and definitely vulnerable, which helps us to judge less and humble ourselves. If only we could remain humble. But then we get proud again and have to be humbled AGAIN. And it's kind of a vicious cycle.

Then again, that is the reason we are on earth to begin with - to become like God. What would be the point of being here if we didn't need to learn and grow?

Anyway, I feel like I had honestly gotten to a point where I felt no desire to choose the best or be the best. And I was battling in my mind between what I've always wanted and what I currently want. They didn't match anymore. To some degree that scared me, but at the same time I didn't really care anymore. I was tired of trying to be the best and do the best. I was ready to switch gears to a life or mediocrity and apathy. I had started to give up what mattered most for things that in all actuality don't matter at all.

Throughout all of this Heavenly Father was not only watching me and hoping I would make the right choice, but He was answering my silent, infrequent prayers and gently beckoning me back to His arms so that I can have righteous desires, which would lead to making the best choices again.

It amazes me how Heavenly Father allows us to choose. He doesn't force us to do anything. He doesn't even try to bribe us. He watches and waits patiently until we choose to take His hand. Once we are willing to listen to Him and follow Him, then He lovingly guides us, but the option to let go is always there. He still doesn't force us to keep following Him. The choice is always ours.

I honestly feel like the real me has slowing been fading during the last few months. I was beginning to become somebody that I never thought I would be and make choices I never thought I would make. I started to think that I would never be myself again and that I would never be able to be truly happy again either. And even though part of me knew these were lies, part of me was beginning to believe them.

Amid my pride and stubbornness, I've had moments of humility where I've wished I could be myself again and get back on the path I really want to take. I've had moments where I have thought I just need to let go of all of the bad that I've started to cling to and replace it with good. But those moments have been fleeting. Yet, Heavenly Father has taken those few seconds when I felt vulnerable and weak to remind me of what I really want and what really matters.

Tonight was one of those instances when I could be taught. As I caught up with this friend of mine and exchanged life experiences, I realized selling out is not what I really want to do nor is it worth it. I can't afford to be with the wrong people or make the wrong decisions. This life is too hard to just give up what is best for what I think I want in a moment of desperation.

I am truly grateful for a Heavenly Father who loves me so much that He has given me agency so that I may learn and grow. I am grateful that His arms are always stretched out toward me. I am also grateful that no matter how far from Him I think I've strayed, He is always anxiously waiting my return.

Each day we have a choice to make... to sit it out or to dance. I hope you dance. I hope you never sell out. I hope you let go of the bitterness, the frustration, the pain, the anger, the sorrow. I hope you let Him walk with you. I hope you let Him change you. And I hope you allow Him to heal you.