I don't think I have ever doubted as much in my entire life until this past year. I've been so confused and frustrated. I've felt so bitter and angry. I've questioned so many things that I've spent my whole life believing and knowing to be true. For the most part, I've tried to keep going anyway and keep doing what I know I should even though my heart hasn't been entirely in it. I have worried that I may never be as spiritually strong as I used to be, but that worry started to fade today.
I wanted to go to church today, which was unusual because lately that desire hasn't been there very often. (I've been trying to go despite how I feel though.) As I sat in fast and testimony meeting, I couldn't remember the last time I was in a fast and testimony meeting (although it was probably last month) much less the last time I bore my testimony.
I thought about how I used to bear my testimony more often on fast Sunday, and I wondered when I would do it again. I thought that today could be today, but of course, as soon as I thought that, a million reasons why I shouldn't came to my mind. Sadly, the theme of my excuses seemed to be doubt and fear. Anybody that knows me knows I love the gospel and I love speaking. But for the first time that I could remember (possibly the first time in my entire life) I was afraid to stand up in front of a congregation and bear my testimony. "Doubt your doubts" came into my mind. I tried to focus on what I do know. I thought of one thing that has been constant through my entire life, including this past year of doubt. That is my love for the temple. I wish I could say that it is a deep love and understanding, and maybe one day it will be. But right now, it is fairly superficial. I honestly can say I have always had a love for the temple, even though it may not be what you think.
Ever since I can remember I have dreamed of entering the temple. The dream was that one day I'd be married there and I would get to attend frequently. I remember when I was four or five, I was given my own picture of the San Diego Temple. I'm pretty sure it was taken before the temple was dedicated because it isn't a perfect picture. But I have loved and cherished that picture ever since I received it.
As a youth, I went to the temple to do baptisms for the dead. As I prepared to leave on my mission, I went to the temple to receive my endowment. Since being endowed, I have entered the temple to do initiatories, endowments, and sealings for those who have passed on and are no longer able to do them for themselves. I have also had the opportunity to be an ordinance worker at two different times.
However, in the last year I have spent more time just being on temple grounds and photographing temples than participating in work inside. I have found myself wondering why I am content with simply being on the grounds than being inside. I still don't have an answer.
What I do know is, I love the temple and what it reminds me of. For me, the temple stands as a beacon of light, hope, and peace. It is a reminder that Heavenly Father has a perfect plan for each of us. That plan is to come to earth to a family and then create families of our own. The family is the perfect setting, which allows us to become like God so that one day we can return to live with Him forever.
As I was listening to the testimonies that were being shared, I still couldn't decide to share my own. Then my home teacher got up to bear his testimony. He started off by saying how his mission president always used to tell him that you gain a testimony faster when you share it than when you pray for it. It was in that moment that I knew I needed to bear my testimony.
After I made that decision, panic struck, which for me is unusual in this situation. I didn't know what to say because I feel like I still have so many doubts. But, I thought about the temple and how it is has been the one constant in my life. I also thought about marriage and families. Last night, I was talking to my roommate about how for me, I have always known that marriage is ordained of God and between a man and a woman. I don't know how I was blessed to know that and never question it, but I was and I am. That's what I felt I needed to share.
My testimony was short and simple. I said something like this:
As I've watched big life changing events happen in the lives of those around me, I've thought about how grateful I am for the knowledge I have that Heavenly Father has a perfect plan for us. That plan is for us to be here in families. And in those families it provides the perfect setting for us to become like Him so we can return to live with Him. Marriage is ordained of God. I know that His plan is perfect. As we choose to align our wills we His we can participate in that perfect plan and one day return to live with Him.
What was interesting was what I felt after I bore my testimony. I returned to my seat and began to cry because I already felt that the super strong and solid faith and testimony I once had was beginning to return. I started writing quickly, so I wouldn't forget this moment or experience.
"After [my home teacher] bore his testimony, I knew I needed to bear mine even though I really didn't want to. Even though it's been forever. Even though I haven't been as resilient. Even though I fell away. Even though I have doubted so much. Even though I don't feel like I know things like I used. Even though I didn't even know what to say because I didn't want to be a hypocrite or come across as proud. But I knew that what [my home teacher] said is true. And that with as much as I've been doubting and grown weary in fighting against Satan, that I needed to bear it today possibly more than I've ever needed to bear my testimony."
I felt my soul begin to heal today. I knew that out of all of the times I've shared my testimony, today was the time when it was more for me than for anyone else. Because I literally felt a change in my spirit after I bore my testimony.
"I've doubted more in the last year than my entire life, but as I focus on what I know and as I humble myself to receive the spirit into my life, I am reminded of the truths of the gospel. I am reminded that I have always known the Church is true. And as I bore my testimony today for the first time in months, maybe even a year, I received more strength to overcome my doubts. I can see that my doubts will fade as I continue to grow strong in the gospel again."
President Uchtdorf said, "Therefore, my dear brothers and sisters--my dear friends--please, first doubt your doubts before you doubt your faith. We must never allow doubt to hold us prisoner and keep us from the divine love, peace, and gifts that come through faith in the Lord Jesus Christ" (Come Join With Us).
