It's Just Another Place

Enough people have asked me how I'm liking Utah, that I've been thinking about the irony, but let me rewind a bit...

I've wanted to live in Utah ever since I can remember. I wanted to go to BYU and live in Provo. The first time I remember coming to Utah was when I was in fifth grade. My mom and I came up for some reunion or choir something of hers. I don't remember much about that trip. I do remember sitting in the tabernacle in SLC with her, being in the Marriott Center at BYU with her, going to see Parent Trap at the SCERA movie theater with her, staying at the Super 8 on Canyon Road by BYU with her, and walking from our motel to get pizza next door with her at, I think it was, Pizza Hut.

I really don't know why I have always wanted to go to BYU or live in Utah. My mom went to BYU, but I really don't know much about her experience. Part of me really thinks I was just born wanting to go to BYU and live in Utah. When I received my rejection letter from BYU, my desire to go there lessened a bit, but I still had planned to transfer after a year at BYU-I. But it wasn't long after moving to Rexburg and attending BYU-I that my desire to go to BYU completely disappeared. A few years later, while I was in the MTC preparing to go to Oklahoma as a missionary, the desire to attend BYU was reborn. But when I came home from my mission, I felt like I should return to Rexburg. Again, my desire to attend BYU disappeared. The one thing that remained the same over all of these years was my desire to live in Utah.

And after living here for almost four months, I can honestly say I love it, but Utah is just another place. Sure, I love driving up and down the 15 and seeing LDS temples and churches from the freeway. Yes, I love waking up to see the beautiful mountains every day. I even love living in the Mormon bubble. But aside from all of that, Utah is just another place.

The irony of the situation is that I finally live in this place I have wanted to live my entire life, but it has probably been the hardest three to four months I have had in a while.

The roller coaster hasn't ended. In fact, I think it's become an even more crazy ride as time has gone on. But I am trying to endure and have patience because I know there is more in store for me. I am looking forward to 2015 for a fresh start and a better year. If I am completely honest 2014 hasn't been super terrible, but a lot of hard things have happened this year, especially in the later half. I am trying to learn from my trials and become better because of them, but it has been more challenging than I thought it would be.

I am grateful to finally be in Utah. I am just trying to make sense of the things that have happened in the last 5 months and figure out what's next. And Utah is just as great of a place to be as any while I do that.

Resume Miss Independent

Ever since we broke off the engagement and called off the wedding, I knew I wanted to write about my experience. But when and what were unknown, and I wasn't ready to even try to figure that out.

It's been seven weeks since that night. And five and a half weeks since the day we had planned to be married. And I can honestly say, that feels like forever ago. Although, it feels that way, I still am far from over it. But time is healing me, and I know it will continue to do so.

The night it happened, I started "The Gratitude Project." My goal was to post a picture at least once a day of something I was grateful for. (For those of you who follow me on Instagram, now you understand the hashtag "#thegratitudeproject.") I did it for a few reasons. Part of me assumed I would have a hard time and start to have a negative outlook on life. I also know, from past experience, that I tend to fall apart when things don't work out, and I didn't want that to happen.

This project has been a huge blessing to help me see so much good in my life despite things not turning out the way I had hoped and planned they would. I also feel like it helped me turn every possible complaint into gratitude. I have truly been trying to see the glass half full instead of half empty. I feel like very quickly I wanted to post more than once a day because of all of the wonderful things in my life. And the effect that project has had still surprises me as I continue to see the positive in my life. I literally wake up every morning so grateful for all I have, all I have experienced, and all that is to come.

Sunday night I went to visit one of my aunts, and she caught me up on all of the happenings in my extended family, including her own life, that I hadn't known details about. She kept saying how sorry she was for what happened to me recently and what I've gone through. But I told her, through tears, that I can't help but be so grateful for my life. Heavenly Father has literally poured blessings upon me, especially over the last seven weeks. And hearing all that my extended family has been going through and dealing with makes me even more grateful for my experiences both good and bad.

Three and a half weeks ago I FINALLY moved to Utah! I still can't believe that I can call it home! I feel like I'm dreaming! On my birthday, I received a call that I had received the full-time job in Orem that I had interviewed for. It was possibly the best birthday present! So I put in my two weeks notice with Zions and packed up all of my stuff. The day after my birthday, one of my very first roommates contacted me and offered to let me move in with her and her husband until I could find an apartment. I moved in with them on a Saturday, and then I started my new job that following Monday. A week later, I was called to be one of the FHE co-chairs in my ward.

It has truly been such a blessing to have things work out so smoothly and quickly. And I feel so blessed to be surrounded by so many amazing people! I think that is part of why I feel like I've lived in Utah longer than the last three and a half weeks, because I have so many friends and family members here. I am so grateful that Heavenly Father continues to lead my way and bless me.

Honestly, being back in the single scene hasn't been easy. I have felt so out of place being in a YSA ward. And watching others get married or engaged hasn't been easy either. I look at couples and just wonder how they could date or get married. It seems like such a daunting and maybe even impossible task. Part of me feels like I'll never be ready to date much less get married. Yet I know, that somehow and at some point, I will be able to move on and date again and even one day marry in the temple. I feel like that time is far away, but I think it may be closer than I think.

The last month and a half or so has definitely been a roller coaster in going from being almost married to single and from being with someone I love so much to not talking to them at all. But I know that Heavenly Fathers loves me. He loves me so much that he lets me choose who I'm going to be friends with, who I'm going to fall in love with, who I'm going to marry, and how I'm going to respond to life no matter what happens. He will never force me to do anything. I always have a choice. And I have come to learn, even more so recently, that life is much easier and fuller when we put Him first and choose to be positive no matter what. I know that He has a plan for me personally. And although I do not know His timing and all the details of that plan, I do know that it is what is best for me and what will help me to become more like Him.

I am so gratefully for each of you and the unconditional love and support which you have given me. Again, I feel beyond blessed to have such amazing people in my life.

Wield the Sword You've Been Given

As I was skimming my news feed on Facebook, I saw the following quote that one of my friends had posted:

"I believe that neglecting to study the scriptures on a regular basis is a form of hardening our hearts. I fear that if we persist in our course that we will be given a lesser portion of the word and in the end will know nothing of His mysteries.
"We will be able to unmask the deceptions of the devil. We will be able to discover the snares that he has laid to catch us. Drinking daily from the words of the scriptures will build spiritual strength." (Elder Teh)

My thoughts... Not studying our scriptures is a form of pride? Yes. The times in my life when I fail to study the scriptures are the times when I drift away from God, it's easier to give into Satan's temptations, and pretty soon I allow myself be acted upon instead of acting for myself. And then I wonder why I don't want to do the things I should be doing. And simply not acting for ourselves seems innocent, but really it is one of Satan's tools. It is one of the easiest ways for him to get us without us even realizing it.

This quote was exactly what I needed to hear today. I had been recently thinking about my weakness in this area of my life and how I need to improve, but this pierced me. I went to the original talk in which this quote came from. It was given at a devotional at BYU-Hawaii on March 22, 2011. It is entitled, "Holding Fast to the Rod of Iron" and was given by Elder Michael J. Teh of the First Quorum of the Seventy.

As I listened to this devotional, many thoughts came to mind. I felt as though I was reminded of the importance of daily scripture study in a very powerful way. In a way that I desperately needed reminding.

Toward the beginning of Elder Teh's talk he quotes Alma 31:5, which reads:

"And now, as the preaching of the word had a great tendency to lead the people to do that which was just—yea, it had had more powerful effect upon the minds of the people than the sword, or anything else, which had happened unto them—therefore Alma thought it was expedient that they should try the virtue of the word of God."

In the conclusion of Elder Teh's talk he said, "We can do better in using more effectively this powerful weapon that God has given us." It all of a sudden became very clear to me tonight that daily study of the scriptures is one of the most powerful weapons we have been given to fight Satan, and I am not taking advantage of it like I should be. I thought about the use of a sword in a physical battle. I would never go into a war with a sword and leave it sheathed. But how many times do I get up and face Satan without my sword? Why would I choose to fight Satan without my weapon? Complacency.

Elder Teh said, "There are those of us today who have started on the path and held fast to the rod of iron. Unfortunately, as we have gone through one, or perhaps two or three of these 'mists of darkness,' we become complacent because we survived. We begin to think that we already know enough and do not need to continue 'clinging to the rod of iron.'" That's exactly it! "Because we survived." Then we go onto survive again. And we grow more complacent to the point where it becomes easy to think we are simply not progressing, although the reality is if we aren't going forward we are going backwards. Elder Teh said, "When we determine that we have received enough and we feel that we are at a level that we are comfortable, we will begin to slide back. In the principle of eternal progression, there is no staying in one place. We either move forward or slide back."

Being comfortable is generally a scary place. Because we think we are safe, but Satan knows that is when we are vulnerable. And then he creeps in and sometimes we don't even notice.

In essence, we have been given a sword, which is not just any sword, but one of the best. That sword is daily study of the scriptures. As we form the pattern of studying the word of God every day, we will recognize Satan and his deception and lies and not fall for them. Instead, we will be able to overcome Satan time and time again, and he will not have power over us. We cannot live our lives passively. We must be aggressive to avoid his traps. We must wield the sword we've been given.

Floods and Faith

My heart is full and though I may be sobbing like a baby, I am so grateful for every single thing in my life - the good and the bad. I truly feel "my cup runneth o'er." And I don't know why I am so blessed. I don't know what I did to deserve the incredible life I've been given.

Tonight I felt like I saw a glimpse of heaven and received a greater motivation to endure to the end. My faith was tested, yet strengthened.

I spent the majority of the day moving. Today marks two weeks until Ian and I get married. I just wanted to try to get as much done today as possible because I know there won't be much time to tie up loose ends in the next two weeks because of work and other things that will be happening.

It was a very long and crazy day, and it wasn't exactly the best day I've had. I was frustrated and stressed and worried. I'm excited to be done worrying about wedding details soon. I seriously feel like I can't stop thinking of things that need to be done or taken care of. I feel like I go through a million emotions every day-excited, stressed, happy, sad, anxious, stressed, joy, annoyed, exhausted, grateful, discouraged, invincible, worried, amazed, blessed, etc.

Before I went home tonight, Ian was hugging me, and as we stood there thinking about our day I thought, Satan does not want us to get married. (Since we got engaged, I have never been happier, but I've never doubted so much.) I just thought, nothing will stop us from getting married in two weeks. I will not let him have any power over me, not even in the tiniest way. I will be strong, and I won't give into him at all. But I know that my fight with him will not end just because I am married and sealed in the temple for time and all eternity. In fact, the real fight may just be beginning. Once we are married, he will try to separate us. He doesn't want us to fulfill God's plan. He doesn't want us to be happy. And he doesn't want us to return home to live together with God again. He doesn't want us to receive the highest degree of glory and exaltation.

Sometimes it is hard to remember that Satan is the reason we doubt. Sometimes logic takes over, and we truly start to forget our faith and believe our doubts. And really, it's merely Satan, which in the moment it's hard to take a step back and see the big picture. He will stop at nothing. He wants us to fail. And he will try any and every way to keep us from succeeding.

About a week and a half ago, there was a flash flood in Rexburg. I had no idea that anything really terrible had happened until that night when I saw videos many of my friends had posted on Facebook. I stayed up late watching video after video and looking through pictures of the flooding that had occurred. I was in shock and disbelief that this had happened because where I had been, including where I live, had been mostly unaffected. I didn't understand why so many people lost so much while I was unaffected. I was grateful I had been blessed, but it was devastating to see what had happened on campus and in the homes and apartments of others I know.

When I walked into my room tonight, I heard water running. Not dripping, but running. I went over to my window and saw water running down my entire windowsill down the wall to my floor. (Ironically, I had placed all of my wedding stuff right in front of my window earlier today, including our marriage license.) I quickly moved my things away from the window. Upon doing so, I realized that this water had been running for a while, as a good amount of carpet was soaked. I looked out my window to see the window well filled with water. I grabbed a trash can and went outside and started filling buckets of water from the window well and dumping it on the grass where I was standing. There were easily gallons of water, and I must have spent 30-40 minutes trying to remove the water from the window well so it would stop draining into my room.

About halfway through that process, I went inside to get a drink of water. As I was filling my cup, I thought about how water is a double-edged sword- though a necessity of life, it can do great damage. It's so ironic that something so important can do so much harm. The living water is Christ, but Satan tries to get us to drink from the world's cup. He doesn't want to quench our thirst. He merely gives us temporary satisfaction. He has created counterfeits for everything. For love, there is lust. For joy, there is pleasure. For faith, there is fear. The list goes on and on.

I went back to emptying the window well. I couldn't believe how much water had accumulated inside. And then I thought about those in Rexburg who recently dealt with flooding and much more water than I was dealing with. I was grateful that I didn't have to deal with flooding on a larger scale, even though I was still not happy about it.

I also thought about how I had just been telling a good friend of mine this morning that I feel like everything that could possibly go wrong has gone wrong in preparing for the wedding. She said it's Satan, and I totally agree. I thought about the miracle it is that people actually get married and stay together. I have had plenty of doubts or fears during my lifetime, and just because I'm getting married doesn't mean they've dissipated. If anything, I've never doubted more in my life until now.

The only thing that has really kept me from giving up is faith. Faith that I received a confirmation from the spirit of what I'm supposed to do. Faith that everything will work out because I'm following that prompting. Faith that the Lord will help me because He approves of my decisions. Faith that through the atonement I will be able to get through anything and that I will be able to become better and one day live with Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ and my family and be exalted. Faith that this life is but a moment. Faith that all of my trials will just help me to be stronger and more like God. Faith that He is real and we truly are His children.

Faith. That is what keeps me going. That is what keeps me from giving up on myself, anyone, or anything. It is what pushes me forward every day despite what I want to do.

The goal is simple: return to live with our Heavenly Father with our families. Our job is easy: do our best to navigate this life and help others do the same.

I honestly think the small flood in my room was to remind me that Heavenly Father is my Father, and He is aware of me and loves me. He wants me to have faith. He wants me to be happy. He doesn't want me to doubt or fear. Trials will continue to come, large and small, but each of them are simply to help me be more like Him. They are to help refine me so that I may qualify to live in His presence again. He is in control and knows what is best. He knows the best trials and blessings that will help me, personally, to make it back to Him. Life is hard, but with His help, as long as I do my part the best I can, I will be able to return to live with Him.

I can't express my gratitude enough. Despite the craziness of today, I feel flooded with faith, and for that I am so grateful. I feel so blessed to have the knowledge of the gospel in my life. I don't know how anyone can navigate this life without it. I feel blessed to have been given so much! I am healthy, I have a job I love, I live in a wonderful place, and my needs are always taken care of and even my wants. I have a wonderful family, the greatest friends, and the best fiance and soon to be husband I could have asked for. I literally feel like I have blessings being poured upon me. And I am so grateful for such an amazing, wonderful, and incredible life!

The Ring Changes Nothing

I keep looking down at my fingers and seeing my dream engagement ring on my left ring finger. I can't believe it's there, and I can't believe I'm actually, finally getting married.

I remember when I was younger I thought if I just had this ring, then I'd be happy. Not because of the ring itself, but because of what it would mean: that I was getting married. I also thought that once I had this ring, it would be easier to be happy. Again, not because of the ring, but because of what the ring meant: that I had found my eternal companion, and I would be with him forever.

But as I notice my dream ring (symbolizing my deepest desire and number one dream-to be married in the temple to a worthy priesthood holder whom I love and who loves me), throughout each day, I think about how nothing has changed because of that ring.

As much as I may wish to be transformed by my engagement, I'm not. I still have to work just as hard, if not harder, to be happy, to have faith, to love, to be humble, to be grateful, and essentially to be a disciple of Jesus Christ. I still have bad days just like everyone else. I still struggle with fighting darkness, just like many others do. I still have fears and doubts at times. I am still imperfect and weak. I still need the enabling power and cleansing power of the atonement of Jesus Christ just like anyone else. Nothing has changed.

As I sat in sacrament meeting today, I held my head in my hands so frustrated. I felt darkness and guilt. I felt despair and fear. But then I began to think of how incredible my life is right now. I'm getting married to the most amazing guy I know, I love my job, I am driving my dream car, I don't have to pay rent, I love living in Rexburg, I live walking distance from a temple, I have perfect health, I have the best friends and family in the world, and I have the gospel of Jesus Christ in my life. What more could a 25 year old girl want or even need?!

Later today, while I was home, I just found myself bawling. Nothing bad happened today or even recently. I had no reason to cry or be mad or be ungrateful. I have been given so much! And yet, the tears were streaming down my face. I wondered if I'm cut out for this... Am I really ready to be in this relationship? Am I ready to get married? Am I ready to be a wife? Am I ready to begin my own family? Do I have what it takes to weather the trials that will come?

As I was talking to my best friend, I just realized that even though my life is unbelievably amazing right now, it will be hard at times, and I must continue to find balance. I can't let myself get caught up in wedding planning or spending time with my fiancé or working, etc. I still have to put God first and take care of myself, so that I can be a good visiting teacher, a good coworker, a good friend, a good sister, a good daughter, a good fiancé, etc.

With the ring on my finger, I'm still me. It's just a ring, which changes nothing. But it is a constant reminder of a commitment I've made to my fiancé, to the Lord, and to myself. A reminder of the covenants I will make in the temple between the Lord, my fiancé, and myself when Ian and I are sealed. A reminder to myself to become more like the Savior every day, to continually be better in every way. A reminder to not only allow the atonement to work in my life when I need cleansing and when I need to change, but also when I fall short and feel like I can't walk another step, when I need strength beyond my own. A reminder that I don't have to be perfect to start the next chapter of my life. I just need to be humble and willing to let the Lord take me by the hand and guide me through whatever He has in store for me. To trust that He is in charge, and if I do my best, He will always take care of me.

The ring changes nothing, and yet my life is completely changing because of it. But I'll save that post for another day.

I Finally Found Him!

First, I just wanted to thank all of you for your excitement and love for me and Ian. I seriously wish I had the time to personally thank each of you and tell you all of the details. Since that is just not possible I decided I would write about how Ian and I met since I know you're all dying to know. Here's the story... (And if you just want to skip to the proposal, I won't be offended.)

Most of you know that last October I felt prompted to move back to Rexburg. I said I didn't know why, but I actually knew exactly why-to meet my eternal companion. I honestly thought it was crazy, and I was worried that I wasn't ready or that I would overlook him or somehow I'd mess it up. I also didn't want to be that girl that meets someone and is engaged within weeks of meeting them. Despite all of my worries, I knew that Heavenly Father had a plan for me, and I simply needed to trust in Him and everything would be fine.

I arrived in Rexburg on Saturday, January 4. I didn't waste any time when I got here. I contacted lots of old friends to visit them and catch up. It's been fun seeing so many people I love so much and catching up with them! I still run into people I haven't seen, and I just love that I know so many people in Rexburg still. I tried to find out who was still here that I went on the 2011 MesoAmerica tour with, and there weren't very many of us left. Most have gotten married, moved away, or gone on missions.

One of my friends from that trip, Mya, is still here, married, and expecting her first. She and I were trying to find a time to get together. She invited me to her friend's place to watch the opening ceremonies of the Olympics on Friday, February 7. The night of the opening ceremonies, right before I was supposed to meet up with Mya and her husband, Richard, I thought about not going. This has happened more than once where I just didn't feel like going somewhere or doing something. I usually went anyway, and luckily, I went that night.

I got to her friend's apartment, and Mya and Richard weren't even there. Just Ian. It was his apartment, and since they weren't there yet, he and I were forced to get to know each other. (Just FYI, this was not a set up at all.) And honestly, I didn't think anything of Ian when I first met him. (Which isn't a bad thing. I usually know pretty quickly if I'm interested or not. I hadn't ruled him out yet.) Mya and Richard did show up a little late, which I was relieved. Mya and I chatted and got caught up on each others' lives. Ian was right there in the middle of our conversation the whole time. I thought it was pretty funny, and I was surprised. Eventually we all went and sat down to watch the Olympics, and Ian was the last one to sit. The only seat available was next to me, and he was hesitant. I'm pretty sure I said something like, I don't bite. He came and sat right next to me. We were pretty flirty most of the night, and I think we spend just as much time talking as we did watching the Olympics.

The night came to an end and everybody left except me. I stayed back because I knew Ian was interested and I wanted to give him a change to ask for my number. I could tell he was way nervous, but he asked if he could have my number and I said, of course. Then I left. I walked to my car hoping I wouldn't have to wait long before a call or a text. When I got to my car, I noticed Mya and Richard were having trouble starting their car, and they asked if I had jumper cables, but I didn't. So they called Ian, and luckily he had some, so he came down, and we jumped their car. Then Ian and I said bye, again, and he told me he'd text me later that night.

It wasn't long before Ian texted me. I don't remember what he said, but I do remember that I was trying to write in my journal about him. He was debating going to bed if I wasn't going to be up. We ended up texting for four hours that night, and we had originally planned that our first date would be Tuesday and we'd go see The Saratov Approach. (Neither of us like the idea of a movie for a first date, ironically enough.) But before we went to bed, we wanted to see each other the next day.

Our first date was the next day, Saturday, February 8. I worked until 9pm in Idaho Falls. When I got back to Rexburg, Ian picked me up, and we went bowling. It was so fun! Then we went to Kiwi Loco and got hot chocolate and sat and watched the Olympics. We were sitting right next to each other, and I noticed his hand was right by my leg, and I thought maybe he wants to hold my hand but is waiting for me. So I grabbed his hand. (He will tell you that he held my hand first.) Before we knew it, we realized we were the only ones in Kiwi Loco. He took me home, walked me to the door, and I could tell he wanted to kiss me, but I figured he thought it was too soon. Then we said good night.

We hadn't planned on seeing each other the next day, but we didn't want to wait to see each other, so on Sunday, February 9, we met up on campus in the Romney building (This is where my old student ward meets, and I had been going there before my own ward because I missed it so much.) before Ian had ward council. I kinda waited for him to define the relationship (DTR), but I couldn't wait anymore. So I asked, what am I going to tell people when they ask who you are? He asked, what do you want to tell people? I said, I want to tell them that you are my boyfriend. He said, then tell them that I'm your boyfriend. Our first kiss was shortly after that. We've talked every day since then, and seen each other almost every day since then.

That Tuesday, February 11, we took a road trip to Logan. It was completely random, but we both have friends that live there, and neither of us had been inside the Logan temple, so we decided to go. We did a session, and then we visited friends. It was such a fun day!

In my journal on Wednesday, February 12, I wrote that I was pretty sure Ian and I were going to get married.

Then it was Valentine's Day. I had never had a valentine on Valentine's Day, so I was pretty excited that Ian would be my valentine. Because Ian doesn't like Valentine's Day we celebrated on Thursday, February 13. He came and picked me up, and when I got in his car there was a teddy bear, a red rose, and a letter. It was so sweet! We went to Olive Garden for dinner, which is one of my favorite restaurants. After dinner, we got ice cream from Reed's Dairy, which neither of us had been to. (SO good!) Then we ended up watching Pride and Prejudice, the newer one. (He's a keeper, huh?) It was a perfect night!

On Valentine's Day, Friday, February 14, I gave him a letter and a tub of his favorite ice cream, cookies and cream. Later that night, Ian took me to the Rexburg temple. He told me he had something to tell me, and then he said, I love you. I paused, but I said it back. And that weekend, we both knew we would be getting married.

It's seriously been quite a whirlwind since then! I feel like I've known him for way longer, which is the weirdest thing. I seriously feel like the luckiest girl in the world! Every day I am more and more amazed by Ian, and I am more and more in love with him! I know that Heavenly Father has guided each and every step of our paths to this point where they would finally cross and we would finally meet. I am so grateful for a loving Heavenly Father and for how perfectly He leads us! I know that Ian and I meeting was no coincidence, and I am forever grateful for that!

THE PROPOSAL...

Ian had found out, I'm assuming from my best friend, that I wanted to be proposed to at the beach. After I had found out about him learning that, I told him that it didn't matter where or what as long as he made it special (I know, a proposal alone is special) and didn't just get down on a knee and propose. I also told him to make sure somebody is there to take pictures. I seriously had no perfect scenario, and it didn't have to be elaborate. But Ian worried that it wouldn't be good enough for me.

We went ring shopping on Tuesday, February 25. We literally were in and out in 15 minutes. I was shocked. I had picked out EXACTLY what I wanted when I was 18, but I found out that it was 4K and decided nobody would be spending that much on a ring and/or going into debt over it. I had been looking at rings, and a good friend of Ian's stalked me on Pinterest, found the ring I wanted, and kept sending us pictures of similar rings. When we went into the jeweler's, they showed me a few rings that were similar, but I didn't love any of them. Then I showed Brother Merrill, Ian's former bishop who works there, the picture of what I wanted, and he told us he had that exact ring and could get it in our budget. Then we looked at rings for Ian. He looked at two different rings and made a decision right away. Super easy! They told us that it would probably be in on Monday, March 10. I figured Ian would propose pretty soon after getting my ring because I didn't think he'd be able to wait.

March 10 came, and Ian told me that they made a mistake, and my ring wouldn't be in until the end of the week. I was a little bummed, but it was really fine. I had been waiting for this for 25 years, so what was a few more days.

I had to close March 10-12, which meant I wouldn't get to see Ian because he was usually in bed by the time I got back to Rexburg. But Wednesday, March 12 I got off a little earlier than I thought I would, and I asked if I could come see him. And of course, he said yes. I got there, and we just relaxed and watched a movie. Somehow we started talking about money and wedding plans, and Ian mentioned exactly how much my ring cost. (I knew about how much it would be, but didn't know the actual amount.) Then I thought, I bet he has my ring. So I asked him if he had my ring, and he said, ....maybe. I knew he did. He told me he could just propose right now. In my head I thought, your apartment?! That's not very romantic or memorable. I asked he had a plan for proposing to me, and he said kinda. He said I just wanted my ring and couldn't wait, and I said I could wait. He just had this look of worry. I could tell that he was still unsure how to propose, and it would worry him until it happened. He offered the idea that he could take me to the Rexburg temple and propose. (That was FAR better than his apartment.) I told him to decide, but again, he just looked worried. So after much debate, I finally said, just go get the ring, and let's go to the temple. And that is exactly what we did.

We got to the temple, and we walked towards the baptistry entrance, which was the same place he told me he loved me for the first time. Then he sat down on a bench, which confused me because I was waiting for him to get on one knee. He told me he loved me, and then said, I guess I should get down on one knee. So he got down on one knee, and I stood up. He said, Christina Marie, will you marry me? (The box wasn't open and that confused me too.) I said, yes, I will. He asked, will you be my queen? I said, yes, I will. Then he opened the box, which as soon as he did, I hunched down to look at the ring. (They didn't have it at the jeweler's when we went ring shopping, so I hadn't seen the real thing yet.) It didn't look like what I wanted. Then I stood up, and Ian placed the ring on my left ring finger. I looked at it again and realized it was exactly what I wanted. He made some joke about all I wanted was the ring. Haha! I love him! He was ready to go, but I, of course, told him we had to take some pictures to document what had happened. None of them turned out that great though, so when we got back to his apartment, I had his roommate take a few pictures.

It was seriously perfect! It's kinda hilarious! It definitely shows my impatience, though I really could have waited. Ian and I will ALWAYS look back and laugh about this. We have joked that we're going to make up some AWESOME engagement story to tell our kids, and then once they're married break the news to them.

Thanks again for all of the comments, love, and support! We love you all, and we're so excited to be getting married in the Salt Lake City Temple on Saturday, August 9.  We are also planning on doing an open house in San Diego. Details to come! 

It's Not About You.

Most of you know that I have recently moved back to Rexburg, Idaho. It's only been two weeks, but it feels like it has been so much longer than that simply because I have spent a good amount of time in Rexburg over the past seven and a half years, and it has become home to me. I am currently working part-time at Barnes and Noble in Idaho Falls. I am living with the Riggins, who I have known ever since I can remember. They were recently called to serve in Ecuador as mission president and will leave in June.

Everyone wonders why I moved back to Rexburg if I'm not going to BYU-I. In all honesty, I have thought the same thing for the last couple of months since I felt strongly impressed that I should move back to Rexburg. I didn't know why I was to move back to Rexburg. In fact, when I left Rexburg mid-semester of Fall 2012, I thought for sure I wouldn't be coming back to live. I had actually been considering moving to Utah or Arizona. I have learned that when I make plans, Heavenly Father always changes them. For that, I am grateful because I know He knows best.

So yes, you may call me crazy for leaving paradise in San Diego and moving back to Rexburg in the dead of winter just to live, but I know this is where I am supposed to be. Ever since I knew I would be moving I haven't stopped worrying about how it would work out. I knew it would all work out-where to live, where I would work, etc, but I still wondered how. Now that I am here, I still worry about work and housing, even though I have a job and a roof over my head. I still know it will work out, but again I wonder how. Not a day passes where I am not grateful for the opportunity I have to be back in Rexburg.

Things have been slightly hectic since I moved. Over the last couple of days I have realized that I've spent a lot of time focused on me... Where will I live? Where will I work? Why am I back in Rexburg? Will I go back to school? If so, when will I go back to school? If I don't go back to school, what will I do instead? How can I be a better me? Etc. Of course, I have kind of justified focusing on myself by thinking, I don't have roommates, a husband, children, a calling, etc.

This morning I was thinking about how I am not where I want to be in many ways, and I have a lot of things I want to change and improve. But where do I start?

I attended my former student ward. I really don't remember what was talked about. I was just feeling overwhelmed and stuck with where I'm at, maybe even feeling a little hopeless or alone. I usually stay for Sunday School too, but today I decided I just wanted to go home. I didn't want to continue feeling how I was feeling, so I opened a book by Jeffrey R. Holland entitled "Trusting Jesus." It wasn't long before I was falling asleep.

Panicked, I awoke realizing my ward was going to start in five minutes and out the door I ran. I wasn't too excited about attending my ward. It's a non-student ward, and it's fairly small compared to my home ward or my former student ward. I walked in during the opening hymn and quickly remembered it was ward conference because of the presence of stake leaders. I felt a little guilty for walking in late, but soon enough I felt forgiven and at peace.

Both of the talks given gave me some answers as to what I can focus on now, but President Sexton's (my stake president) remarks were right in line with things I have been thinking about:
-Wandering is never good, though we are prone to do so.
I feel like in some ways I'm currently wandering, and I don't want to be wandering.
-There are times when it is going to be well for me to have a storage of spirituality built up.
I feel like I barely have any spirituality built up.
-You can't come to the bishop's office to solve every one of your problems.
I have recently been thinking about how we must rely more on the Lord, than on those around us, when we are struggling.
-There are return missionaries here who have served faithful missions. In a three month period, you can lose all that you gained on your mission.
This is something I haven't stopped thinking about since I was a greenie in the mission field. While he was saying this, I was actually preparing myself thinking he was going to rebuke/chastise us. Some days I don't feel like I deserve the title of being an "RM" because I don't always act based on what I learned as a missionary. And I firsthand can testify that you can quickly lose everything you gained as a missionary. I have also watched it happen to too many of my best friends who no longer want anything to do with the Church.
-The children of Israel ate manna for 40 years and complained and looked beyond the mark.
Sometimes I feel like I look beyond the mark by not doing the simple every day things I know I should be doing. I think that there has got to be some secret to life besides praying and reading the scriptures, when I know that really is all it takes.
-There is one path of safety: duty.
It's easy to forget, give up, and stop. When it becomes our responsibility, we can't back down, quit, or turn around.

I left sacrament meeting with a greater resolve to want to change and be better. I decided I wanted to try to make prayer and the scriptures a bigger part of my life again. Then Sunday School and Relief Society were good, but again I was feeling overwhelmed by all that I need to do and be. And when I got home, I routinely checked Instagram. I found a post by Al Fox Carraway that I'd never heard put into words, but that I have thought about: "To strengthen our relationship with God, we need some meaningful alone time with Him." -President Uchtdorf Again, my resolve to spend more time praying and reading the scriptures was strengthened.

This evening I went to a fireside for my former student stake. I really wanted to hear President Baron speak. He is one of my favorite stake presidents ever, and I always love hearing him speak. I will admit I wasn't as anxious for his counselors to speak, although I always enjoy listening to them as well.

The second counselor in the stake presidency began his talk by asking a series of questions to witness to each of us that we're all in the same boat. He referenced President Monson's talk from this past general Relief Society meeting, "We Never Walk Alone." During this talk, I had the clear thought in my head, "It's not about you."

It's all about everyone else. Some people say, "It's my life," but really it's His. Everything we have is His. And everything we do is for others. Yes, we are here on earth to have a physical body, gain experience, and become like God, but that is all so we can help our Heavenly Father "bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man." Or simply put, to help everyone else return to live with Heavenly Father.

Think of all of the time we waste on ourselves... eating, sleeping, getting ready, entertaining. And for what? So we can be happy, right?! But that isn't lasting happiness. True joy comes from serving others. So we must figure out how to best meet our needs so that we can help meet the needs of others. Essentially, one we have ourselves taken care of, we can then focus on everyone else. Because it's not about you.

The first counselor in the stake presidency talked about our potential. He said that Joseph Smith taught that God, our Heavenly Father, has not always been God. He was once a man. And we are to become like Him. He said, "Don't ever think that you're not cut out for it [to become a god]. Reach. Be great. Move forward." The best place to learn to become like Heavenly Father is in the temple. Go to God's house and learn about Him.

Finally, President Baron spoke. He focused on one piece of the armor we must put on, which is gird your loins with truth. Why? Because Satan is flooding the earth with lies about sex, families, gender, and your relationship with the opposite sex. How do we combat that? Flood the earth with truth-the Book of Mormon.

Then he focused on the importance of daily scripture study. He said, "The scriptures become a portal to be able to commune with God." And that's when we become a powerful people: when we are communing with God.

This university is a special place. There is a reason you are here. It's not just to get an education. And then he said exactly what I had already received earlier in the meeting as a prompting. Get that education, to get your life in order, so you can bless the lives of others. [It's not about you.] This is the real reason why we need to spend time every day in the scriptures. Not simply for ourselves, but for others.

He also mentioned we need to pray daily. Not just in the evening, but also in the morning. He said, "If you want the light, you have to connect to the light." Otherwise you're faking it, and that wears on you.

The last thing he challenged us to do was to make fasting a full fast a priority. He said that Melvin J. Ballard taught there are two new things we're experiencing on earth. One is having a body. Two is we are the minority. 1/3 of the hosts of heaven were cast down to earth, and they outnumber us. President Baron asked, "How do we keep Satan at bay and get control of our bodies?" Answer: fasting.

President Baron speaks with such power and authority that simply relaying what he said doesn't even come close to giving you the feelings that I felt as I sat there listening.

The closing hymn was "There is Sunshine in My Soul Today," which has always been one of my least favorite hymns. But tonight as we sang it, tears rolled down my cheeks, because there was sunshine in my soul today. It's not about you.

I will study, pray, fast, and do all I can so that I may serve Him and be His instrument and do what He would have me do to help my brothers and sisters return to live with Him.