Mental Health Awareness Month Day 31.
Only I can save myself.
As a child, I had this fantasy about being rescued from my parents. It was a fantasy because I began to believe it would never happen. I was stuck for 18 years in a dysfunctional, abusive, neglectful house. The cops seemed to frequently show up because our neighbors would call them because they could hear my parents fighting and yelling. I have little memories of just being a kid and enjoying my childhood.
When I was 13, my aunt did “rescue” me and my brother. I was grateful for her, but I think most of my actions said otherwise. For that, I feel SO badly. I wish I could go back and really appreciate living with my aunt and uncle and cousins. I wish I could have been kinder. I wish I could have let the little things go. I wish I could have argued less. I wish I could have been an easier niece and cousin to live with. Sadly, I don’t think I knew better. And if I did, I don’t think I cared. I think I was hurt and angry. I think I was trying to balance a fine line between doing what was expected and doing what I wanted. I think I was lost and confused. I think I thought I knew what I wanted, but I really had no idea. That doesn’t excuse my poor behavior, but it helps anybody who was in the crossfire at that time understand just a tiny bit why I was the way I was and why I did what I did.
Unfortunately, living with the Abernathy’s was short-lived. After a year and a half, my brother and I had to return to live with our parents. I was devastated. I thought I would live with my cousins until I was 18 and could be on my own. I wondered how anyone could send us back into such a hostile living environment. Yet again, I longed to be rescued, although I was fairly certain it wouldn’t happen. I would just have to somehow make it through the next 3.5 years.
Around spring of my sophomore year, I met a woman named Boo. I remember thinking then that that was God compensating for not letting me stay with the Abernathy’s. He sent me Boo to help me make it through the rest of high school. He sent her into my life to save me. I was so grateful. Although I had to live in an unsettling place, I had the Densley’s and I had Boo to help me survive. But nothing is guaranteed.
Right before my senior year, Boo told me she and Tyler were moving. I was so sad and disappointed. I remember thinking selfishly, “How could she leave me just before my last year of high school?” Once again, I felt like I was being abandoned again. That year, I almost didn’t graduate high school. I was depressed and distraught. I felt like nobody cared. I felt like everyone would leave me. And in numerous ways, I stopped caring about me. Because if nobody cared about me, why should I?
A lot has happened since I graduated high school. I wish I could say so much has changed. But I don’t think any real change has happened until very recently. I spent many years still wishing and hoping to be rescued. Even though I was no longer in a place I needed to be rescued from, I still yearned to be rescued. For years, I hoped a charming guy would come and sweep me off my feet and take me away from all the shit I faced. (That’s what Disney teaches us, right?) When I gave up on that dream, I went back to wanting to be saved by my best friend. If she couldn’t save me, what was the point of living? If nobody was coming to save me, why should I? Because clearly my existence doesn’t matter, so why the hell should I continue to live if I am in such agony?! That is seriously what I thought.
Sometime in the last 7 months, I ultimately learned this truth. Only I can save myself. The Densley’s couldn’t save me. The Abernathy’s couldn’t save me. Boo couldn’t save me. And they can’t. In my darkest moments, hours and days, there were times when people would reach out and times when nobody reached out. And amidst that I was all over the place about how I felt in reaction to that. Some days I was grateful to be heard, thought of, remembered, and loved. Other days I was angry and ignored people trying to contact me and wished I could disappear. On those days when I didn’t hear from anyone, I was hurt and I was proved right… nobody cared, nobody loved me, nobody would notice if I took my life.
I desperately wanted to be saved. And I was infuriated that nobody would save me. When I figured out that nobody COULD save me, even if they really wanted to, I was beside myself. Because that was the one thing I had longed for my whole life. And I couldn’t have it. I never would.
When my counselor in San Diego told me I had become the abuser, my gut reaction was to be offended. Why would I abuse my own self? But my next thought was, she’s right. As much as I didn’t want to be like my parents, I was following in their toxic footsteps because that was what I knew. That was deeply ingrained into me against my will. I reflected on every year that had gone by since leaving my parents’ house. 13 years. How does 13 years go by without me realizing what was really going on?! How has nothing changed after all the counseling, the hospitalizations, the medications?! Why am I continuing to relive my traumatic childhood?!
I didn’t fully understand that only I can save myself.
My current journal says, “You had the power all along, my dear,” on the cover. Glinda tells Dorothy that in The Wizard of Oz. Dorothy was on this journey to Oz because she wanted to find someone to solve her problems. But really, it was a journey of self-discovery. Oz had no power. He couldn’t give the scarecrow a brain, the tinman courage, or the lion a heart. In a way, I was looking for an Oz of my own. I felt like I had no control over my life. I wanted control, but I felt powerless. I felt incapable. I felt stuck. But I’ve always had the power.
We have this misconception that we could have prevented someone from taking their life. We feel guilty for their actions. We blame ourselves for what they did. We talk endlessly about if we only did more they wouldn’t have died by suicide. But it is all wrong. We don’t have that much power.
Only I can save me. Only you can save you. If someone really wants to end their life, nobody else is going to stop them. If someone chooses to end their life, it is on them and nobody else is responsible for their suicide.
Yes, how we interact with each other can help or harm them. But at the end of the day, one has to decide that they are worth saving and that they want to be saved. Then they have to save themselves. They have to reach out and find help. Only then can others help them. Only then can they change. Only then can they start the path to healing. Only then can they save themself. #stgeorge #rescueme #saveme #onlyicansavemyself #youhavethepower #youcanchange #anger #suicide #suicidality #suicidalthoughts #unrealisticexpectations #codependency #mentalillness #mentalhealth #mentalhealthawareness #mentalhealthawarenessmonth #mentalhealthinthetimeofcorona #coronavirus #covid19 #corona2020 #letsbereal #31in31at31 #agamutofgrey #lifeisbeautiful #may2020 5.31.20
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