Not a Good or Bad Day 5.20.20

Mental Health Awareness Month Day 20.

I wrote down 31 things at the beginning of the month that I was going to write about each day. So I never have to come up with the topic. Each day I just pick one of those things and write about it. But tonight I’m straying from that. Maybe because it’s so late. Maybe because today sucked. Maybe because none of you would have ever known if I stuck to my original game plan or not. Maybe because I don’t want to write about any of the 12 things left on my list right now.

This morning I was super overwhelmed and stressed, so instead of dealing with that I stayed in bed and watched Grey’s Anatomy all day and took a nap when I couldn’t keep my eyes open any longer. When I woke up I didn’t want to eat dinner, so I didn’t. I didn’t want to do any of my writing, but I attempted to anyway. As I journaled, I became mad. So I decided to go for a drive and get a milkshake (dinner of champions). 

Before I came back home, I sat in my car by a park and listened to “Already Gone” by Kelly Clarkson over and over. Eventually I left the park. When I got back, I continued to listen to the same song on repeat as I met my daily word count. And I just cried and cried and cried. I also strayed from my normal writing routine. My daily word count goal is 909, and I turn on the word counter so I know once I’ve reached my goal. Usually I stop shortly after hitting 909. But tonight I decided to just write, without having my words counted, until I was done writing. I wrote nearly 2400 words as I continued to listen to “Already Gone” without ceasing.

Normally I would say that today was awful (actually I did). But why am I so quick to say that? I still journaled, hit my word count, and wrote something for MHAM. Just because I laid in bed most of the day? Just because my anxiety reared its ugly head? Just because my depression hijacked my mind? Just because I binged Grey’s? Just because I only had one real meal? Just because I went for a drive while enraged? Just because I cried for a LONG time? Just because I never opened my blinds? Just because I never made my bed? Just because it’s technically May 21 as I write this Day 20 post? Just because I felt overwhelmed? Just because I’m sick of COVID and quarantine and social distancing and masks and all the resulting aftermath? Just because I want to disappear? Just because I want to be done?

I guess today (technically yesterday) taught me that bad days are relative. I would not want to repeat today, but it wasn’t necessarily a bad day. I felt crappy for most of the day. It wasn’t good, but it wasn’t bad. It just was. And now it’s over. Days only last 24 hours. May 20, 2020, “we were always meant to say goodbye”. #heber #badday #notbadorgood #justanotherday #greysanatomy #kellyclarkson #alreadygone #mentalillness #mentalhealth #mentalhealthawareness #mentalhealthawarenessmonth #mentalhealthinthetimeofcorona #coronavirus #covid19 #corona2020 #letsbereal #31in31at31 #agamutofgrey #lifeisbeautiful #may2020 5.20.20