As I was driving to Murray tonight to meet up with a long time friend of mine who I haven't seen in years, one of my favorite songs came on the radio. I was mindlessly singing along when all of a sudden tears began to swell in my eyes to the point that I couldn't sing the words...
"Don't let some hell bent heart leave you bitter,
When you come close to sellin' out reconsider,
Give the heavens above more than just a passing glance,
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance,
I hope you dance..."
I've listened to this song hundreds of times. And every time I have listened to it, I've never really taken the second verse to heart because it's always been my goal to be my best and do my best. But recently, that hasn't been the case. So tonight these words really hit me and made me wonder where I'm going and what I'm doing with my life.
I've been selling out, which according to Wikipedia (I know, it's a super reliable source.) is the compromising of integrity, morality, authenticity or principles in exchange for personal gain, such as money. I've also allowed a hell bent heart or two to leave me bitter. And I definitely haven't been dancing. I've been sitting out and trying to convince myself that I am enjoying it more than I ever enjoyed dancing.
I remember being a teenager and thinking that I was rock solid and nothing could shake me. I basically thought I was invincible, which I guess is not an uncommon thought for a teenager to have. I watched people live life, and I thought, I'll never do that, I'll never be that, that will never happen to me, I could handle that so much better, etc. I was SO judgmental and SO proud!
But I think we have all done that at some point in our lives. Then something happens which forces us to realize that we are all human and definitely vulnerable, which helps us to judge less and humble ourselves. If only we could remain humble. But then we get proud again and have to be humbled AGAIN. And it's kind of a vicious cycle.
Then again, that is the reason we are on earth to begin with - to become like God. What would be the point of being here if we didn't need to learn and grow?
Anyway, I feel like I had honestly gotten to a point where I felt no desire to choose the best or be the best. And I was battling in my mind between what I've always wanted and what I currently want. They didn't match anymore. To some degree that scared me, but at the same time I didn't really care anymore. I was tired of trying to be the best and do the best. I was ready to switch gears to a life or mediocrity and apathy. I had started to give up what mattered most for things that in all actuality don't matter at all.
Throughout all of this Heavenly Father was not only watching me and hoping I would make the right choice, but He was answering my silent, infrequent prayers and gently beckoning me back to His arms so that I can have righteous desires, which would lead to making the best choices again.
It amazes me how Heavenly Father allows us to choose. He doesn't force us to do anything. He doesn't even try to bribe us. He watches and waits patiently until we choose to take His hand. Once we are willing to listen to Him and follow Him, then He lovingly guides us, but the option to let go is always there. He still doesn't force us to keep following Him. The choice is always ours.
I honestly feel like the real me has slowing been fading during the last few months. I was beginning to become somebody that I never thought I would be and make choices I never thought I would make. I started to think that I would never be myself again and that I would never be able to be truly happy again either. And even though part of me knew these were lies, part of me was beginning to believe them.
Amid my pride and stubbornness, I've had moments of humility where I've wished I could be myself again and get back on the path I really want to take. I've had moments where I have thought I just need to let go of all of the bad that I've started to cling to and replace it with good. But those moments have been fleeting. Yet, Heavenly Father has taken those few seconds when I felt vulnerable and weak to remind me of what I really want and what really matters.
Tonight was one of those instances when I could be taught. As I caught up with this friend of mine and exchanged life experiences, I realized selling out is not what I really want to do nor is it worth it. I can't afford to be with the wrong people or make the wrong decisions. This life is too hard to just give up what is best for what I think I want in a moment of desperation.
I am truly grateful for a Heavenly Father who loves me so much that He has given me agency so that I may learn and grow. I am grateful that His arms are always stretched out toward me. I am also grateful that no matter how far from Him I think I've strayed, He is always anxiously waiting my return.
Each day we have a choice to make... to sit it out or to dance. I hope you dance. I hope you never sell out. I hope you let go of the bitterness, the frustration, the pain, the anger, the sorrow. I hope you let Him walk with you. I hope you let Him change you. And I hope you allow Him to heal you.
