Those words from Alanis Morissette's "Ironic" have been on my mind 24/7 since the world turned upside down. Because I feel good. I feel peace. I feel calm. I feel happy. I feel blessed. I feel grateful. I feel glad. I
feel relief. I feel A L I V E.
feel relief. I feel A L I V E.
It wasn't that long ago that I literally stayed in my room 24/7 for weeks and couldn’t do anything but lay in bed and sleep or watch shows/movies. I had no desire to even see with those I reside with, much less text anyone, hang out with anyone, go anywhere, or do ANYTHING. I was in complete voluntary self-isolation.
About a month ago, something sparked within me. And that flame has been growing bit by bit each day. It may be small, but it is steady.
I didn't care to be in bed. I was sick of sleeping. I was done staring at a screen every waking second. I longed to be moving, busy, and productive. I needed to be outside. I desired to be with people again. I made plans. I exercised more than I had in months. I went to church a couple weeks in a row and had just decided that I was going to attend each week. I started searching for jobs, filling out applications, and submitting my resume over and over. I folded laundry that wasn’t my own, organized the food storage in the garage, and replaced multiple light bulbs that had gone out.
And then the world changed very quickly.
People started fighting over toilet paper, hand sanitizer, and non-perishable foods. Businesses started shutting down, schools closed, and events were cancelled, indefinitely postponed, or moved forward. Social distancing and stay at home orders became the new norm. FaceTime and virtual meetings and workouts became the routine method of connection. And in San Diego we received an unusual amount of rain, which forced us to stay inside.
Isn't it ironic? That I FINALLY started L I V I N G again only to be forced to return to a state of survival. However, that is part of the irony. I have continued living regardless of the commotion around the globe, which considering where I’ve been mentally and emotionally for the last 18 months or so is quite miraculous. Just over 2 weeks ago, the consequences of the epidemic started to affect me personally. Every day since then something else happens, which brings this widespread disease closer and closer to home. Yet I feel the best I have felt in months.
And despite ALL of that, I haven't felt scared or anxious for an instant about this universal nightmare we're braving. Isn't it ironic?
Honestly, I think I have felt unshaken by the upheaval caused by this virus because I spent months and months in deep, thick darkness which resulted in self-isolation in the form of staying in bed doing little to nothing. Even when I tired of sleep and Netflix, I never had a shortage of things to do. So I have this quarantine thing down. (If you’re bored, I can help you change that. 😉)
Each one of you has experienced some level of disappointment during this crisis. As this illness relentlessly spreads, that discouragement steadily increases with no end in sight. Nonetheless, I remain undaunted. I am resilient. I am fearless. I wish I could give peace and hope to all those who are presently suffering and struggling. The light and love inside me are overflowing, and I’m dying to give it to anyone and everyone who doesn’t have enough right now.
Within a matter of months, I lost my job, came close to ending my life, buried a friend, was hospitalized, got in a car accident, lost my financial independence, and said goodbye to Utah. (That list is not all inclusive. It is merely the lowlights reel. 😂) Because I lost so much in 2019, there isn’t much left for me to lose now. Though I am aware I could lose the little I have left to call mine, I have gathered that no matter what happens, if I want it back, I can get it all back. The only thing I would never be able to get back is my life.
2019 gave me perspective and showed me how precious life is. For a while, my motto was “nothing is guaranteed”. Not even life itself. Going through this hardship is succoring all of us to view things more clearly. What really matters comes into focus and the rest fades into the background. Last year I went through incredibly devastating circumstances, some of which many of you are now enduring. It’s as though the world is catching a glimpse into what my world was for quite some time. While I wouldn’t wish my anguish on anyone, I hope the despair created by this global pandemic aids us to be a little kinder, a little more understanding, a little more forgiving, and a little more loving. Because we all deserve unconditional kindness and love no matter what is going on.
I faced such intense pain and grief and dwelled there for so long that I seriously thought it would never end. People kept telling me it would end, but I couldn’t hear them. It has been refreshing to surface over the last 5 weeks. It’s like I can breathe again. And because I have observed the conclusion to a desolate chapter in my story, it’s easier to recognize that this situation we are all witnessing will come to an end.
I truly cannot believe how my absolute worst and most agonizing seasons prepared me for this moment of great uncertainty and unknown. I am incredibly thankful that I have felt calm and even good amidst the chaos. That has been a tender mercy for me.
What I have realized is "Life is Beautiful" (thank you, Vega4!), even when it seems like the world is ending. Though society is literally in survival mode, I am living! And I am excited for the future! Because if things can feel SO GOOD when everything around me appears to be falling apart, just imagine how great things can feel when life returns to normal! Even the coronavirus has a silver lining! What’s yours?
