Platitudes are more for the person giving them than the person receiving them.
Someone you love passed away and your friend says, “At least they’re in a better place.”
You have depression and your roommate from college says, “You are stronger than you know.”
You end a relationship and your grandma says, “There are plenty of fish in the sea.”
You get fired from your job and your uncle says, “It’s their loss.”
You have anxiety and your coworker says, “God never gives us more than we can bear.”
Your spouse died and a year later your neighbor says, “Shouldn’t you be over that by now?”
You are diagnosed with cancer and your sister in law says, “At least they caught it.”
You are contemplating suicide and your brother says, “Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.”
These are just a few examples of trite statements that don’t actually make anyone feel better except maybe the person saying it. We don’t know how to respond to difficulty, pain, or grief. We want to fix it. We want to package up the negative emotion and put a pretty bow on it. Because others’ suffering makes us uncomfortable. We want to help, but we feel helpless. We want to comfort them, but we don’t know how. We want to do something for them, but we don’t know what. One of the best things we can do is just accept their pain as pain.
Sit there beside them. Listen to them. Validate them. Acknowledge that it sucks. If you really don’t know what to do or what to say, just be honest. You can tell them you aren’t sure what to say or do, but you want to help. Sometimes they will tell you what you can do, and other times they may not know what help they need or want either.
Platitudes are usually well-intended, but immediately dismissed by the recipient. Sometimes they can make things worse because they are cliche and don’t seem genuine. And they do nothing to validate the agony of the person suffering.
Before you throw your hands in the air and decide to give up and never say or do anything for anyone hurting again because you’re scared you might make it worse, hang on and remember this. Reaching out and getting it wrong is better than doing nothing.
During the last year or two as I struggled with depression and suicidality, many people reached out to me. Comments on my posts, text messages, Facebook messages, Instagram messages, etc. There were plenty of times when something someone said rubbed me the wrong way or made me feel worse. As I have looked back, almost everything that people said or did to try to be there and help me I appreciate SO MUCH! Because it’s vulnerable to reach out to someone when they are weak. You don’t know how they’ll respond. You don’t know if you’ll do more harm than good. And because I am in a better place where I can realize that everyone had the best intentions. (It’s not always the case, but I feel like with my situation there wasn’t a single person wishing to make things worse.) Thank you! Thank you for being there! Thank you for trying to help! Thank you for helping me make it through!
Let us each try to be a little more genuine. Let us each try to be a little more thoughtful. Let us each try to worry more about the person suffering than our own comfort. Let us each try to sit with the pain, grief, and sorrow and allow it to be. Let us each try to erase platitudes from our conversations. Let us each try to stop putting a timeline on anguish. Let us each try to be a little more loving and a little less judgmental.
To learn more about how to help someone grieving (not just death, but loss of ANY kind), please visit Megan Devine’s (a grief advocate and communication expert) website. #heber #platitudes #letsendplatitudes #sitwithpain #refugeingrief #mentalillness #mentalhealth #mentalhealthawareness #mentalhealthawarenessmonth #mentalhealthinthetimeofcorona #letsbereal #31in31at31 #agamutofgrey #lifeisbeautiful #may2020 5.15.20
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