My heart is full and though I may be sobbing like a baby, I am so grateful for every single thing in my life - the good and the bad. I truly feel "my cup runneth o'er." And I don't know why I am so blessed. I don't know what I did to deserve the incredible life I've been given.
Tonight I felt like I saw a glimpse of heaven and received a greater motivation to endure to the end. My faith was tested, yet strengthened.
I spent the majority of the day moving. Today marks two weeks until Ian and I get married. I just wanted to try to get as much done today as possible because I know there won't be much time to tie up loose ends in the next two weeks because of work and other things that will be happening.
It was a very long and crazy day, and it wasn't exactly the best day I've had. I was frustrated and stressed and worried. I'm excited to be done worrying about wedding details soon. I seriously feel like I can't stop thinking of things that need to be done or taken care of. I feel like I go through a million emotions every day-excited, stressed, happy, sad, anxious, stressed, joy, annoyed, exhausted, grateful, discouraged, invincible, worried, amazed, blessed, etc.
Before I went home tonight, Ian was hugging me, and as we stood there thinking about our day I thought, Satan does not want us to get married. (Since we got engaged, I have never been happier, but I've never doubted so much.) I just thought, nothing will stop us from getting married in two weeks. I will not let him have any power over me, not even in the tiniest way. I will be strong, and I won't give into him at all. But I know that my fight with him will not end just because I am married and sealed in the temple for time and all eternity. In fact, the real fight may just be beginning. Once we are married, he will try to separate us. He doesn't want us to fulfill God's plan. He doesn't want us to be happy. And he doesn't want us to return home to live together with God again. He doesn't want us to receive the highest degree of glory and exaltation.
Sometimes it is hard to remember that Satan is the reason we doubt. Sometimes logic takes over, and we truly start to forget our faith and believe our doubts. And really, it's merely Satan, which in the moment it's hard to take a step back and see the big picture. He will stop at nothing. He wants us to fail. And he will try any and every way to keep us from succeeding.
About a week and a half ago, there was a flash flood in Rexburg. I had no idea that anything really terrible had happened until that night when I saw videos many of my friends had posted on Facebook. I stayed up late watching video after video and looking through pictures of the flooding that had occurred. I was in shock and disbelief that this had happened because where I had been, including where I live, had been mostly unaffected. I didn't understand why so many people lost so much while I was unaffected. I was grateful I had been blessed, but it was devastating to see what had happened on campus and in the homes and apartments of others I know.
When I walked into my room tonight, I heard water running. Not dripping, but running. I went over to my window and saw water running down my entire windowsill down the wall to my floor. (Ironically, I had placed all of my wedding stuff right in front of my window earlier today, including our marriage license.) I quickly moved my things away from the window. Upon doing so, I realized that this water had been running for a while, as a good amount of carpet was soaked. I looked out my window to see the window well filled with water. I grabbed a trash can and went outside and started filling buckets of water from the window well and dumping it on the grass where I was standing. There were easily gallons of water, and I must have spent 30-40 minutes trying to remove the water from the window well so it would stop draining into my room.
About halfway through that process, I went inside to get a drink of water. As I was filling my cup, I thought about how water is a double-edged sword- though a necessity of life, it can do great damage. It's so ironic that something so important can do so much harm. The living water is Christ, but Satan tries to get us to drink from the world's cup. He doesn't want to quench our thirst. He merely gives us temporary satisfaction. He has created counterfeits for everything. For love, there is lust. For joy, there is pleasure. For faith, there is fear. The list goes on and on.
I went back to emptying the window well. I couldn't believe how much water had accumulated inside. And then I thought about those in Rexburg who recently dealt with flooding and much more water than I was dealing with. I was grateful that I didn't have to deal with flooding on a larger scale, even though I was still not happy about it.
I also thought about how I had just been telling a good friend of mine this morning that I feel like everything that could possibly go wrong has gone wrong in preparing for the wedding. She said it's Satan, and I totally agree. I thought about the miracle it is that people actually get married and stay together. I have had plenty of doubts or fears during my lifetime, and just because I'm getting married doesn't mean they've dissipated. If anything, I've never doubted more in my life until now.
The only thing that has really kept me from giving up is faith. Faith that I received a confirmation from the spirit of what I'm supposed to do. Faith that everything will work out because I'm following that prompting. Faith that the Lord will help me because He approves of my decisions. Faith that through the atonement I will be able to get through anything and that I will be able to become better and one day live with Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ and my family and be exalted. Faith that this life is but a moment. Faith that all of my trials will just help me to be stronger and more like God. Faith that He is real and we truly are His children.
Faith. That is what keeps me going. That is what keeps me from giving up on myself, anyone, or anything. It is what pushes me forward every day despite what I want to do.
The goal is simple: return to live with our Heavenly Father with our families. Our job is easy: do our best to navigate this life and help others do the same.
I honestly think the small flood in my room was to remind me that Heavenly Father is my Father, and He is aware of me and loves me. He wants me to have faith. He wants me to be happy. He doesn't want me to doubt or fear. Trials will continue to come, large and small, but each of them are simply to help me be more like Him. They are to help refine me so that I may qualify to live in His presence again. He is in control and knows what is best. He knows the best trials and blessings that will help me, personally, to make it back to Him. Life is hard, but with His help, as long as I do my part the best I can, I will be able to return to live with Him.
I can't express my gratitude enough. Despite the craziness of today, I feel flooded with faith, and for that I am so grateful. I feel so blessed to have the knowledge of the gospel in my life. I don't know how anyone can navigate this life without it. I feel blessed to have been given so much! I am healthy, I have a job I love, I live in a wonderful place, and my needs are always taken care of and even my wants. I have a wonderful family, the greatest friends, and the best fiance and soon to be husband I could have asked for. I literally feel like I have blessings being poured upon me. And I am so grateful for such an amazing, wonderful, and incredible life!
