This morning I had another opportunity to go through the Provo City Center Temple Open House with a friend from my ward. Right as we entered the temple, at the beginning of the tour, I heard a girl behind me talking about faith. She said that she has a hard time with faith because it is just a feeling. I was interested in how the conversation would proceed, but I didn't hear any further discussion. (Possibly because we had just entered the temple so they were no longer talking or they had gotten quieter.)
Her words have lingered with me since then. I wondered what I would have said to her if I had had the opportunity. My first impression was that faith is not "just a feeling." As I continued to ponder about faith, I thought about how faith is believing something you cannot see. Often it does start with nothing more than a feeling. But to me, faith is so much more.
I reflected about the blessing I have had of being a member of the Church for my entire life. On many occasions, I have tried to think back on when my faith became more than just a feeling. Every time I do, I immediately think of when I read the Book of Mormon for the first time. After I concluded reading it, I prayed to know that it was true. And the answer I received was, "You've always known it's true." That came to me as a thought, and I felt it was true. But within seconds of receiving that feeling, I knew my answer was true; I have always known it is true. In the scriptures, we read, "Yea, behold, I will tell you in your mind and in your heart, by the Holy Ghost, which shall come upon you and which shall dwell in your heart" (D&C 8:2). That was exactly the confirmation I received. I knew in my mind and I felt in my heart that the Book of Mormon was true.
There was never a single moment that transformed my faith from a mere feeling into knowledge. Instead, it was through repetitious experiences I had with the spirit throughout my life. Many of which, confirmed to my heart and my mind that what I had felt, thought, read, or heard was true. My faith has become more than just a feeling because I have acted on what I was taught, believing it was true. Those actions lead me to gain a knowledge that what I believed was true.
Those who don't know about my childhood may think that my parents made me believe and/or forced me to go to church. Honestly, my parents had little to do with my testimony. I was born into the church, and I will forever be grateful to them for that. But I grew up going to church with only one parent. (For the first nine years of my life, it was my mom. After that it was my dad.) I have no memory of me at church with both of my parents. But I have a picture, I think on the day I was blessed as a baby, of my parents holding me in front of our church building. So we were all at church at least once. They introduced me to the Church, but I went because I wanted to. I believed because I wanted to. I eventually served a mission because I wanted to.
And because I had a desire, I was able to gain a testimony that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is God's true church on the face of the earth today, the Book of Mormon is another testament of Jesus Christ, the Church was restored by the prophet, Joseph Smith, and Thomas S. Monson is God's living prophet who leads and guides us today. I don't just feel that these things are true, but I have come to know they are true.
Even though I have this knowledge, it doesn't mean that I no longer need to believe or feel that these things are true. The thing about faith is that you will never get to a point where you have enough faith or where you don't need it anymore. You have to continually believe and feel so that you will know and act.
Despite what I believe, feel, and know, the past year has been full of doubts. The thought that keeps coming back to me is something President Uchtdorf said in general conference a few years ago. "...My dear friends—please, first doubt your doubts before you doubt your faith" ("Come, Join with Us" October 2013 General Conference). At the time I heard that counsel, I didn't think it applied to me because I didn't need it. Usually it is easy for me to forget things that don't pertain to me in the moment, but ironically that phrase "doubt your doubts" has stuck with me. And it has help carry me through this past year when I did need it.
For the girl who struggles with faith because it's just a feeling, my second thought was, "Sometimes, so do I." And if I could have said that to her, I am sure she would have questioned why I keep going. Part of my answer would have been, "I doubt my doubts." We think we have life figured out and it's easy to believe and have faith. Then something unexpected is thrown in our path. Sometimes it is large enough that we can't figure out how to get around it. And sometimes it is so obtrusive that we can't even see past it. It can become difficult to maintain our faith in these situations. But I have learned that if I can doubt my doubts, I start to remember why I believe, and then I determine to keep believing. Eventually my doubts subside, and I remember what I know, which leads me to keep acting and believing. And my faith becomes more than a feeling. It is the driving force in my life that give me hope to move forward, makes me want to be better in every way, reminds me to hold fast to what I know, and gives me strength to keep going.
