Little did I realize at the time, my trip to Moab would be a turning point in my life. In my last post, I mentioned a few temporal fears and how I overcame them that day. Those were fears that I didn't know were there until I was in the moment, and by the end of the day I had overcome them and they were long gone. I wish that all of our fears were overcome in a single day. But it usually doesn't work that way. However, I began to overcome much deeper fears that day.
The last nine and a half months have been the hardest months of my life. Although, nine and a half months ago, I was so determined to stay strong, to be happy, and to keep going, somewhere and somehow I lost that determination. It became apparent that the girl who I thought was so invincible clearly wasn't. I started giving into things I never thought I'd give into and I started giving up on everything and everybody. Because nothing was helping or motivating me to be strong anymore. And there was no hope, not even a glimmer. So I just kept asking myself, what's the point? I ended up cutting almost everything and everyone out of my life. I couldn't handle anything or anybody.
I felt anger and bitterness, but I couldn't really pinpoint why. And it became impossible to love anyone including myself. I wanted things that I never ever wanted before, and most everything I ever desired, I no longer cared about. The things that made me happy before, no longer brought joy. And I felt like my whole life started to go in a very different direction than I ever pictured or wanted.
Meanwhile, I still knew deep down who I really wanted to be and where I really wanted to go. I just didn't know how to get back on that path. I didn't know how to let go of the anger that haunted me every day. I felt like I was completely alone and there was nothing anybody could say or do that would help or give me that glimmer of hope that I so desperately needed. And even though I knew otherwise, I felt completely undeserving of anything or anyone.
The one thing I tried to keep doing no matter what was photography. (Since I moved to Utah last August, I decided I was going to pursue photography more seriously.) I also made a bucket list of things I want to do while I'm living in Utah. I attempted to make Saturday a day to look forward to and maybe even enjoy. Because it seemed like there was absolutely nothing that brought happiness to my day, not even for a moment.
I had originally planned on taking a trip to Vernal (mainly to photograph the temple), but a few days before I decided I would go to Moab instead. (Moab is way more exciting than Vernal anyway, right? ;) ) I was super excited to go to Moab. I went to bed super early the night before so I could get up super early and arrive around sunrise. I had a hard time falling asleep. It reminded me of trying to fall asleep the night before a Disneyland trip as a kid, which I didn't think there was anything that could match the excitement of the anticipation of going to Disneyland.
The morning of my trip to Moab, I woke up happy and excited. All the fear aside, I was happy all day long. And when I got home that night, I felt a glimmer of hope for the first time in months. My fears didn't completely disappear, but I felt hope. That night and the next morning, I pulled my seemingly out of control life to a screeching halt. It was like I was trying to piece together a puzzle that I didn't have the right pieces to. I removed all of the things that I had never wanted (the pieces that didn't fit), but had become part of my life. And I started to put the pieces of my life back together that I had tossed aside.
The last few weeks haven't been easy, but knowing I'm headed in the right direction has made it easier. And last week specifically, because of a catalyst I had wished for, I felt most of those negative feelings dissipate. And as I sat in church at the conclusion of sacrament meeting yesterday, I couldn't help but think, "There is hope smiling brightly before [me]," which to me was a beautifully miraculous thought. Because there was no hope that I could see for so long. And suddenly, it truly is "smiling brightly before [me]." I think I laughed and smile more in this past week than I have in a long, long time.
Even though I am not proud of the majority of things that have transpired in these last nine and a half months, I am grateful for the atonement of Jesus Christ, which makes it possible for us to correct our course at any time and allows us be completely clean again. I am grateful for the gift of agency, which allows us to choose for ourselves and reap the consequences, whether they are good or bad. I am grateful for a merciful Heavenly Father who loves us unconditionally and constantly reaches out to us no matter how far we may stray.
Though my desires may have changed for a time, I am grateful to never have doubted what I know to be true. I am grateful for the truths of the gospel and for the foundation and strength they provide in my life.
I know hard times are inevitable, but I hope for now that the worst is behind me. Regardless of what is in store for me, I know that as long as I trust in Him and keep my covenants, I will make it through.
