An Unrelenting Longing

Earlier this year, I blocked my parents from being able to text or call me and from seeing my social media. I had prided myself for years that I had every right to cut them off, but I never did. And now I am proud of myself for doing what I want, which is cutting them off. I still don't know if this is temporary or permanent, but for this moment it is what I need and what I want.

I keep wondering why so many of us have parents who can't accept us, their children, for exactly who we are as we are. Because I am not a mother myself, I don't think I can try to answer this question. However, I have taken note that it seems like most parents think they know what is best for their children. While birthing and/or raising a child, can make a parent feel like they know their child best, there comes a point when that stops being true.

If parents could accept what their kids think, how they feel, who they are and what they want, I think children would be closer to their parents. I think distance and disconnect comes as parents continually show they are anything but 150% accepting of their child.

Tonight I was watching a movie where one of the main character's father seems to have dictated his life. Towards the end the son finally stands up to his dad and tells him he doesn't need a manager, but a father.

What is it that keeps us children going back to our parents over and over again even when they seem unable to be accepting and loving parents?

There have been multiple times since I cut my parents off earlier this year that I have had this longing for my mother. It seems odd to me that I would want her in my life after intentionally cutting her off. Especially since she failed at fulfilling her role as a mother in my life. 

But I think we subconsciously keep giving our parents chances to show up how we would like them to, and they disappoint us. Basically, it is insanity though. We keep doing the same dance expecting different results. 

I just want my mom and dad to be a place where I feel safe and accepted and loved and cared for no matter who I am or what I do. My parents should have been that for me. They still should be. But they never were and never will be. And even though that has been the case my entire life, I don't think I will ever stop longing for it to be so. I will always grieve the pain of not having that.

And I hope that if I ever become a mom, I can give that to my kid no matter who they are, how they feel, what they believe, or what they want. Because it might be the most painful thing I have experienced and continue to experience - having absent parents.

I Already Did It

I already did it.

My biggest fear has always been that I will turn out to be just like my mom. That would look like watching TV all day every day, not having any meaningful and loving relationships with anyone, little to no hygiene, being severely overweight all while feeling like I had no control or power to change any aspect of that life.

So the most important goal I have had my entire life was to not be like my mother.

And tonight I realized, I already did it. I already achieved that goal.

I have spent much of my life fearing that one day I would end up just like her - in a loveless marriage, dependent on someone else for food and shelter, unable to care for herself, spending her time literally doing nothing but watching television, substantially overweight, yet somehow still married and alive, but not really living. I really thought it could happen at any point in my life rather quickly without even noticing.

But no matter what I decide, I will not become my mother. Because I have always had something my mom hasn't had for more than my lifetime. Self-awareness. I look back on my life until I hit rock bottom, and I realize that I was living on auto-pilot. I was in survival mode. Not really living. But even during most of my life, I still had some level of awareness that I was not okay. 

Part of me thinks that had I not awakened out of living subconsciously, I may have ended up just like her. But I think, even if I had continued on in survival mode, I still wouldn't have become her. 

By my age, my mom had married my dad and had 2 little kids about a year and a half apart. She was completely dependent on my dad to provide for her, all the while being mentally unstable. Yet for some years she put on a facade to the world that everything was fine, even though her life was anything but fine. And when I was 9 years old, the facade began to shatter.

I consider myself a recovering perfectionist, so it makes sense that up until tonight I still thought that there was a chance I would end up just like my mom. While I know anything is possible and there is a tiny change I still could, the odds are in my favor. I know too much. I am too aware. I have done too much work. I have already achieved the goal of not becoming my mother. 

At 33 years old, I refuse to settle in any of my relationships. Because I want them to add to my life. I watched my mother let her relationship with my father eat away at her life. And I am not going to let any kind of relationship do the same to me. I expect more from life than to merely waste away. Devastatingly enough, my mom hasn't had that luxury for most of my life. I would prefer to live instead of watching life pass me by. And I'm doing it. I'm living and being intentional with who I let be apart of my life.

I already did it. Even though I am just beginning down a path of change, I already became someone who looks nothing like my mother. And no matter what I do or who I become, I will never be her - the mother who was not a mother to me. For achieving that one goal, I will always be proud. 

Reclaiming My Time

Time.

Time is one of the most valuable things we have. Yet, we seem to use it as if it is anything but precious. I'm guilty too. I have wasted plenty of time binging shows on Netflix or endlessly scrolling on Facebook or Instagram or doing other meaningless and/or mindless activities. (Just FYI, Netflix and social media aren't always a waste of time.)

What I find fascinating is that my time has become more important to me, even though I have more time to myself than I used to. I am more careful with it than before, even though I am far less busy than I previously have been. 

Why?

Because I have learned that I can do what I want. I have learned that I truly am an introvert, and I need alone time to recharge and take care of myself. I have learned that I don't want to busy my life with constant go, go, go. I have learned that it is important to me to be on time and keep scheduled commitments to myself and others. And because of that I am very intentional to what I say yes to. Which means I end up saying no much more frequently.

Honestly, putting myself first and choosing to do the things I really want to do has been liberating. I feel like I can breathe. I value my time more. And when I do spend time with friends, I cherish it more. Because I am no longer making myself do things I don't want to do, AND I have created the space to take the time I need for myself. It is almost magical.

"h@w ar% y#u?"

I hate the question, "How are you?" I don't remember a time that I ever liked it. Most of the time, if I'm being honest, I can't honestly answer, "Good". And we know that's the only acceptable answer. Nobody is actually looking to hear the long response that explains why you are anything but good. We ask this to show interest and care, yet much of the time, we don't allow space or time for a real response. Unless someone says, "How are you really?" it seems inappropriate to give more than a one word answer. 

I also hate the variations. "How was your weekend?" "How was your vacation?" "How was your day off?" "How were your holidays?" "How was work?" "How are your kids?" "How's your family?" There are numerous things we tack onto how because this is just what we say in our every day comings and goings with people. Again, the only permissible reply is, "Good." Even, "Fine" puts people into a tailspin. Generally, that's a flat out lie, which makes the listener curious. But trying to dig deeper doesn't seem to go anywhere because if the person felt like they could tell you or wanted to tell you, they wouldn't have said, "Fine."

Why does everything have to be good? Why do people lie and say, I'm fine? 

I used to think that the goal of life was to be happy. Coming out of rock bottom proved to me otherwise. Happiness is not a destination we arrive at and stay. Rather, being happy is a fleeting emotion just like the rest of our emotions. We all long to spend more time in happiness than most of our other feelings, but the reality is we move through happiness just like any other emotion. It doesn't last. 

Yet we focus on happiness more than anything else because it is desirable. It makes sense that we don't entertain sadness, pain, guilt, shame, depression, anxiety, etc. because we don't want any of that in our life. But life is full of the a gamut of emotions and feelings. Living means you are experiencing the full breadth of feelings from grief and loneliness to joy and contentment.

I haven't really figure out what I would rather be asked in place of, "How are you?" or any of the alternatives. I just know that I want to have more meaningful conversations about what we are genuinely feeling and experiencing instead of forcing ourselves to say what has always been said and pretending that we are fine.

Take It Easy on Me

As I drove home from worked, I cried a couple of times. I couldn't even pinpoint why I was crying. I haven't been depressed or even suicidal lately. Today wasn't really any better or worse than most days. It was a pretty regular day at work.

Right before I got home, these lyrics came through my speakers and made their way to my ears. It was as if the all other lyrics had been lost in route...

"Go easy on me, baby

I was still a child

Didn't get the chance to

Feel the world around me

I had no time to choose

What I chose to do

So go easy on me" 

-Easy on Me by Adele

Adele had spoken a truth I didn't realize I had been suppressing my entire life... I "didn't get the chance to feel the world around me". Because I was busy trying to survive as a child and even for most of my adult life. I didn't choose to live in survival mode. When you're in survival mode, you don't think of why you're doing things. You just push through the motions because if you stop, you might not be able to keep going.

More specifically, I didn't experience the magic of the holidays as a child. I was too busy worrying about which of my parents would ruin Christmas first. I was too caught up wondering if we would actually create a pleasant and happy tradition or just continue to live painful and disappointing ones. I think there may have been one Christmas that was magical, but it didn't include my parents. As great as it was to not spend Christmas with my dysfunctional parents, there was still an undertone of sadness because I wasn't with my mom and dad. My immediate family wasn't together. Growing up, it was ingrained into me that we were meant to be with our family no matter how messed up they were.

Now at 33 years old, I want nothing more than to spend Thanksgiving by myself. I am grateful that I always had friends to spend the holidays with as an adult. Many dear ones in my life happily welcomed me to their Thanksgiving and Christmas celebrations without fail every year so that I never had to spend a single one alone. I am also grateful I have learned that I don't owe my parents my presence on any day, especially important ones. I am allowed to choose to spend my time with those I want to be with. 

I've been carrying emotional weight related to the holidays since my birthday. Tonight I cracked a bit while driving home from work. Those tears were a tiny release. I have been dreading the holidays, and I keep wishing I could just fast forward to January. Because I don't want to feel the dark feelings that come at this time of the year for me. While everyone keeps asking each other about their holiday plans, I continue to avoid asking the question to anyone. Because I don't want anyone to ask me about mine. I don't want any invitations or pressure to gather with anyone. I don't want to explain why I want to be alone. I don't want to feel like what I'm doing isn't acceptable. I just want to be able to feel how I feel and do what I want without judgment from others.

I didn't get to choose what I did for over 30 years. But now, I get to choose. And this year, I'm choosing to do what makes sense to me.

Swipe Left, Repeat

If the goal of dating apps is to find a potential mate, why does swiping left seem to be the rule while swiping right seems to be the exception? Is it really so hard to find someone we like?

Bad pics.

Any kind of facial hair. Swipe left. Cat. Swipe left. Dog. Swipe left. That photo looks like it was taken 20 years ago. Swipe left. Gym selfie. Swipe left. Car selfie. Swipe left. Laying in bed or on the couch. Swipe left. Bathroom selfie. Swipe left. Zero photos show their entire face. (Sunglasses, masks, snow goggles, etc.) Swipe left. Zero photos of their entire body. Swipe left. Zero photos of them alone, so which one are they? Swipe left.

If their pictures actually look decent, you think he can't be real.

But if I met these men in real life, their personality and their voice would speak volumes more of who they are than any photo of them could. And I would probably be interested in more of them, than the few I find online.

Yet we all judge the photos presented to us when deciding whether or not to swipe right because that's what we have to go off of. It is a two-dimensional snapshot of someone. 

Then we delete all the dating apps and stop our never-ending search for our ideal mate because it seems like an exhausting, fruitless cause. But don't worry, we redownload them when it seems like we might truly end up alone forever. And the vicious cycle loops over and over.

What's the answer? Maybe we just need to stop sitting home alone on our phones and leave our houses and meet people in real life.  

COVID-19 is Still Running the Show as 2021 Comes to a Close

I'm coming up on my one year anniversary at work. Shortly after being hired last year, I found out I would be holding down the office while most of my coworkers went on a team trip. They repeatedly told me over and over again, "Next year, you're coming with us!" Staying in the office last year while almost everyone was vacationing was not fun. It didn't even feel like the same place because it was so quiet and lifeless.

Fast forward to the end of September. I received an email from my boss announcing where and when our annual team reward trip would be. Honestly, I had kinda forgotten about it. I couldn't believe I would get to go on a cruise with my incredible team in January 2022 for a week. How exciting!

Today I just found out that the cruise line changed the regulations from not needing to be vaccinated to requiring vaccinations. And it feels like COVID-19 is going to continue to run our lives indefinitely.

Yes, it would be easy to just get vaccinated, and then I can still go on the cruise. But I also can't get on board. Even thinking about getting the vaccine makes me realize how much I do not want to be vaccinated. And having to be in this situation and make a decision literally makes me sick. Every time I think about this, I have knots in my stomach.

Deep down I feel like we should all be allowed to freely choose whether or not to get the vaccine. I don't think it is right that we have to be vaccinated in order to keep our jobs, travel, live our lives, etc. Additionally, I don't think it is right that we cannot accept differing perspectives on this topic. I was on a date that seemed to be going well until he found out I wasn't vaccinated. And then the vibe changed and he was completely uninterested in me simply because I hadn't gotten the COVID shots.

I spent 30 years letting so many things and people control how I lived my life. And I didn't even realize it. Now that I have flown out of the cage, I don't want to be forced back into it. I want to be able to choose.

A little over a year ago, I had COVID and couldn't work for 2 weeks. It sucked. Hospitals have been filled to capacity. People have died. None of that is pleasant. However, forcing people to get vaccinated isn't the solution in my opinion. And until we find a better solution, I think we could all work on having strong opinions while still being kind to those who don't see eye to eye with us. Because we are all human and we all deserve respect and kindness regardless of what we believe or think. Our opinion on the coronavirus shouldn't dictate how we treat each other. We can do better.