I keep looking down at my fingers and seeing my dream engagement ring on my left ring finger. I can't believe it's there, and I can't believe I'm actually, finally getting married.
I remember when I was younger I thought if I just had this ring, then I'd be happy. Not because of the ring itself, but because of what it would mean: that I was getting married. I also thought that once I had this ring, it would be easier to be happy. Again, not because of the ring, but because of what the ring meant: that I had found my eternal companion, and I would be with him forever.
But as I notice my dream ring (symbolizing my deepest desire and number one dream-to be married in the temple to a worthy priesthood holder whom I love and who loves me), throughout each day, I think about how nothing has changed because of that ring.
As much as I may wish to be transformed by my engagement, I'm not. I still have to work just as hard, if not harder, to be happy, to have faith, to love, to be humble, to be grateful, and essentially to be a disciple of Jesus Christ. I still have bad days just like everyone else. I still struggle with fighting darkness, just like many others do. I still have fears and doubts at times. I am still imperfect and weak. I still need the enabling power and cleansing power of the atonement of Jesus Christ just like anyone else. Nothing has changed.
As I sat in sacrament meeting today, I held my head in my hands so frustrated. I felt darkness and guilt. I felt despair and fear. But then I began to think of how incredible my life is right now. I'm getting married to the most amazing guy I know, I love my job, I am driving my dream car, I don't have to pay rent, I love living in Rexburg, I live walking distance from a temple, I have perfect health, I have the best friends and family in the world, and I have the gospel of Jesus Christ in my life. What more could a 25 year old girl want or even need?!
Later today, while I was home, I just found myself bawling. Nothing bad happened today or even recently. I had no reason to cry or be mad or be ungrateful. I have been given so much! And yet, the tears were streaming down my face. I wondered if I'm cut out for this... Am I really ready to be in this relationship? Am I ready to get married? Am I ready to be a wife? Am I ready to begin my own family? Do I have what it takes to weather the trials that will come?
As I was talking to my best friend, I just realized that even though my life is unbelievably amazing right now, it will be hard at times, and I must continue to find balance. I can't let myself get caught up in wedding planning or spending time with my fiancé or working, etc. I still have to put God first and take care of myself, so that I can be a good visiting teacher, a good coworker, a good friend, a good sister, a good daughter, a good fiancé, etc.
With the ring on my finger, I'm still me. It's just a ring, which changes nothing. But it is a constant reminder of a commitment I've made to my fiancé, to the Lord, and to myself. A reminder of the covenants I will make in the temple between the Lord, my fiancé, and myself when Ian and I are sealed. A reminder to myself to become more like the Savior every day, to continually be better in every way. A reminder to not only allow the atonement to work in my life when I need cleansing and when I need to change, but also when I fall short and feel like I can't walk another step, when I need strength beyond my own. A reminder that I don't have to be perfect to start the next chapter of my life. I just need to be humble and willing to let the Lord take me by the hand and guide me through whatever He has in store for me. To trust that He is in charge, and if I do my best, He will always take care of me.
The ring changes nothing, and yet my life is completely changing because of it. But I'll save that post for another day.
