I Am Not a Victim 5.8.20

Mental Health Awareness Month Day 8.

I am not a victim. Life is not beyond my control.

As a child and teenager, I was a victim. I grew up in a house full of abuse. I am grateful it wasn’t any worse than it was, but that does not mean the abuse I faced was any less real than someone who faced worse. I learned to have a victim mentality from watching my parents. I didn’t know I was learning it. I didn’t know even know what I was doing. I was just trying to survive.

Due to depression, I came home from my mission 6 months early. I wasn’t okay with that. I still felt like if I didn’t serve a full 18 months I was less than everybody else. I didn’t want to come home, but I knew staying in the field was no longer a realistic option. At the airport, right before I got on that plane to come home, my mission president said something like, go home and figure out how to be happy so you can have a successful life.

Of course, I was going to do that. Why would I do anything different? That’s all I wanted. To be happy and successful.

Fast forward to about 6 months ago. I was at a counseling appointment, and I don’t remember what led my counselor to say this. But she said, “You were being abused as a child, but as an adult you’ve turned into the abuser.” Read that again. Let it sink in. My gut reaction was, what?! How could you think that, much less say that?! Why would I abuse myself after everything I’ve gone through? After my initial impression, I realized just how correct she was. And I thought back to that moment in the airport with my mission president. How did I get here? How have I wasted the last 9 years? How am I still hurting myself without even being aware I’m doing so?

Because I was still playing victim. Because I really thought I had no control or power over myself or my life. Because I thought I was just going to end up like my mom. Because my fate seemed to already be decided for me. And if that was how I really felt, how could I not be suicidal?

I am becoming aware of just how much control I actually have. It’s a steep learning curve. Yet, I am determined to break the cycle and not let the pattern continue.

This morning I didn’t want to get up and workout, but I did anyway. (Thanks, Whitney "Hollywood" Gomez, for working out live, even when you are in pain! You are my hero!) I still want to crawl back in bed and pull the covers over my eyes and not think or feel anything. But I know I can choose what I do. And I am not a victim. My life is within my control. #heber #workout #victim #victimmentality #abuse #iamnotavictim#iamincontrolofmylife #selfaware #depression #suicidality #counseling#earlyreturnmissionaries #mentalillness #mentalhealth#mentalhealthawareness #mentalhealthawarenessmonth#mentalhealthinthetimeofcorona #letsbereal #31in31at31 #agamutofgrey#lifeisbeautiful #may2020 5.8.20