One Big Epiphany That Changed How I Fight My Depression

D e p r e s s i o n.

It is real. More real than anything else I have experienced. Don’t tell us it is not because you will lose that argument. It is misunderstood. More misunderstood than anything else I know of. Don’t tell us you understand because more than likely, you don’t. It is deadly. More deadly than smoking. Don’t tell us suicide is a cop out because it is not that easy. It is taboo. Don’t tell us it is not because we will prove you wrong.

I have depression.

For the last 14 years I have had depression. And I will most likely have it for the rest of my life. It does not have a cure. There are ways that can help me cope, but there isn’t one simple formula or one magic trick. Every day is a battle.

Depression is the worst illness I have ever had.

Nothing I have had has ever caused more pain and sorrow than having depression. I would take kidney stones again if it meant that I didn’t have to have depression anymore. But that is not how it works. For me, the biggest overall symptoms of depression have always been: lacking energy and being tired. As a result of those, not having a desire to do anything, including the things I love, is common. That doesn’t even scratch the surface of all of the residual effects that come from depression.

Wanting to sleep all of the time.

Not wanting to do anything ever.

Feeling depressed for days, weeks, and months for sometimes no reason at all.

Not eating because even putting something in the microwave requires more energy than I have or because nothing sounds good.

Not being able to shower or even get out of bed because merely standing seems impossible.

Feeling ashamed that I have depression.

Ignoring phone calls, visitors, and text messages, even from those I love most.

Isolating myself by not going anywhere with anyone.

Spending all of my time in bed asleep.

Not going to work or school or wherever I was supposed to go because I cannot shake how awful I feel and paint enough of a facade to function.

Eating junk food, knowing it isn’t good for me, because it is the only thing that gives me a moment of happiness.

Wishing my life was over because that would end the unrelenting sadness and anguish I feel. 

Failing multiple classes as a college student because the stress and pressure of school trigger me into a downward spiral.

Forcing myself to do the things I love, but not feeling any better after doing them.

Dropping out of BYU-Idaho because I could not handle putting myself through the agony and torture of failing over and over again.

Consciously spending time with people, but feeling just as terrible after being with them as I would have had I stayed home.

Feeling grateful I am not in a dating relationship with a guy because my life would be too much of a burden for him.

Feeling guilty I am in a dating relationship because I hate that someone else has to suffer through all of this with me.

Photograph by MarLyn Hill

Being surrounded by people, but feeling invisible because just interacting with them hurts too much.

Ending a dating relationship because my boyfriend couldn’t love all of me, including the part of me that is sometimes overcome by depression.

Not telling others how I really feel because nobody wants to be around a Negative Nancy.

Hiding my emotions and feelings behind a facade because I fear that I will not be accepted or tolerated as I am in the depth of my depression.

Missing a wedding I was trying to be so excited about because I cannot share an ounce of joy with anyone for any reason.

Lying awake in the middle of the night unable to sleep because I literally slept all day, but wishing I could because being awake is too much to bear.

Feeling like nobody understands because, unless they have experienced depression, they will never truly understand what I am going through.

Crying myself to sleep for nights on end because I feel that happiness is unachievable.

Seriously contemplating ending my life because living seems unfathomable.

Being hospitalized because the suicidal thoughts are turning into a plan and my reality has become a nightmare.

Switching medications over and over again and feeling like I will never feel normal or find something that will help.

Feeling shame for being medicated, even though I know depression is an illness, because I wish I was normal and sometimes I do appear and/or feel normal.

Questioning if I have made any progress in learning to cope with depression because over and over again I feel like I am right back at square one.

Exhausted from being tired and depressed all of the time and wishing there was a better way to live.

Wanting to write and share my experiences with you, but feeling paralyzed and unable to type anything.

A few months ago, I was hospitalized, as I mentioned earlier. There were a number of things that brought me to the point in which my only option left was to immediately be admitted to Uni (University of Utah) Behavioral Health Clinic. Losing my job, moving from Provo to Salt Lake, breaking up with my boyfriend (who I had planned to marry), starting a new job, and going on a Disney Cruise (which was literally the best vacation I have ever had).

Even though it was necessary, I still didn’t want to go. I knew I needed help to get out of the horrible place I was in mentally, but I didn’t want to have help. However, I was completely incapable of improving at all on my own. As much as I did not want to be hospitalized (then again, who actually ever wants to be hospitalized??), I was grateful to have someone in my life, whom I trust so deeply and who loves me unconditionally, tell me what I needed to do. And although I could have submitted myself to the hospital alone (because I am Miss Independent), I was so incredibly grateful that I did not have to because this friend, who is like a sister to me, was there with me every step of the way.

One of the biggest realizations I had while at Uni was, there is a great need to raise awareness about mental illnesses, including depression. Most people do not understand it. Most people do not know how to handle or be around people struggling with mental illness. More people struggle with mental illness than most people are aware of. Most people that deal with mental illness appear fairly normal. Most people do not know how serious and deadly mental illness is.

Another epiphany I had while in the hospital was, I need to be more accepting of who I am as a depression patient. There is not a medication, nor therapist, nor workout, nor friend that will help me unless I can accept and be okay with myself having depression. Much of my time with depression has been spent beating myself up for having it. But that only makes it so much worse. The mean dialogues in my head have to stop, and I have to consciously change them to kind ones. Mindfulness and positive self-talk are not the cure alls, but they will help me more than I ever thought they could.

To those with depression, or any other mental illness:

You are precious! You are strong! You are incredible! You are resilient! This is not your fault! You are not less than anyone else because of your mental illness! Accept yourself with your illness! Be brave and fight against it every day! Do not cower in fear or give into the lie that there is no hope! There is hope! You can live a more normal life than depression would have you think! You are one among millions who battle against mental illness! We are in this together!

To those who do not have depression, or any other mental illness:

Be loving to your friends and family members who do have a mental illness. Try to understand them. Learn about their illness, so you can be a support and a strength to them. Please do not tell them to just snap out of it or start exercising. There is no quick fix for depression. And what may appear easy to you is not as easy to someone in the throes of depression. Their mind works differently because of their illness. Please do not add to the burden they carry. Help alleviate the guilt and shame that are far too common with depression by telling them it is okay and by being kind and compassionate. Talk about depression! Ask how they feel and why, but do not force it out of them. Then when they do open up, accept what they have told you and validate them. Do not try to fix it or tell them what to do. Be the listening ear they so desperately need!

Photography by Liz Frandsen

I am no longer ashamed that I have depression. I am becoming a little better about embracing it every day. Because I have depression, I am the beautiful woman I am today! I am stronger! I am more resilient! I am braver! I am more empathetic! I am a better fighter! And I am not my depression! Depression is a part of me, which has changed my life in the most ugly ways. But, it has also transformed me in the most unbelievable ways! More than I ever could have imagined! And I won’t give up battling this illness for me or for you!

Making a Come Back

My thoughts just keep running faster than I can type. But I think I can gather them and make sense of the chaos in my head right now.


Recently, I've been thinking about the question, how can I stay humble? In my not so humble opinion, pride is one of my biggest weaknesses, which manifests itself in every aspect of my life. And the reasons why I've clung to pride instead of learning humility have changed during different points in my life.

But lately, I've come to this realization that pride is not the answer. It doesn't get you anywhere. It makes you miserable. It's a tool of the devil. And there is nothing good about pride. It isn't that I didn't KNOW these things about pride. I grew up in a church where pride is one of the most discussed attributes. The Book of Mormon is known for the great displays of the pride cycle, which we see repeat itself over and over again throughout time. President Benson gave a conference talk that is often referenced and quoted talking about pride and how destructive it is. I could go on and on.

So finally at 29 years old, I'm starting to understand why pride is such a terrible sin. Because most don't even know they have succumb to Satan's power through that choice sin, myself included. The phrase, ignorance is bliss, couldn't be further from the truth.

One vain example of how I can be proud is my disregard for the speed limit. I don't even justify it, I go as fast as I want wherever I want. Although knowingly disobeying the law, I still choose what I want, which is to speed. Essentially, by speeding I tell myself that I am better than everybody else and I know better than everyone else. Deep down I know those statements are both false. But the action of speeding is reaffirming pride. Speeding doesn't save time UNLESS traveling long long distances. (I'm not saying it is justified if you're traveling long distances.) So on my 20-30 minute commute from my apartment to work, I'm not actually saving time by speeding. At different points in my life, I've gotten better and again worse at obeying the posted speed limit. For me personally, if I don't pay attention to how fast I'm going or set my cruise control, I will speed. So it takes effort to not speed. Currently, I'm trying to improve at obeying this simple law of the land.

Another example of my pride affects my performance at work. When I first started working at the call center for the Church, I remember taking a few calls where I thought I would try something other than what I was being told or reading. Each of those times, I felt so dumb when what I thought would work didn't work.

Today was very humbling. At the beginning of every call I took, I had NO idea how to solve the problem the customer was facing. But somehow each of those people received the help they needed. (Which most of those times it was from help beyond what I could provide.) It was also a testament to me of how aware Heavenly Father is of us and how much He helps us and how much we NEED His help.

The last couple of weeks have been humbling to me as I've heard about disasters occurring throughout the world. The devastation has been unimaginable! I feel so sad for all those who have been affected by the hurricanes, flooding, fires, earthquakes, etc that have happened. My heart and prayers go out to those suffering because of these natural disasters. With Hurricane Irma nearing Florida, I know it's far from over.

I keep coming back to something my bishop has said to me on more than one occasion: "The Lord will have a humble people." They can choose to be humble or He will compel them to be humble. I can't help but think of this verse from the Book of Mormon: "And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them."

The Lord wants us to come to Him. But the natural man fights that desire. Satan is doing everything in his power to keep us away from God. One way the Lord helps us to come to Him is through our weaknesses. When things are hard, we're more apt to ask for help. We tend to pray more.

Earlier this year, I was unemployed for 2 months. I know for some that may not seem like that long, and in the big scheme of things, it's not. But for me, having gone from job to job back to back since October 2013, and always having a job lined up before leaving my current one, 2 months was a long time! The first week or so was okay. It was nice to not have to work every day. But after a month of that, I couldn't handle it anymore! I needed to be working to provide for myself and for my own sanity. But I didn't start my new job for another whole month.

Those two months taught me a lot of humility and patience. I wanted a job right away, but at the latest, I wanted it after a month. Heavenly Father's timing wasn't my timing. My plan was not His plan. During that time, I kept thinking of my favorite scripture, which says:

"Therefore I say unto you, Take no thought for your life, what ye shall eat, or what ye shall drink; nor yet for your body, what ye shall put on. Is not the life more than meat, and the body than raiment?...

"And why take ye thought for raiment? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they toil not, neither do they spin...

"Wherefore, if God so clothe the grass of the field, which to day is, and to morrow is cast into the oven, shall he not much more clothe you, O ye of little faith?

"Therefore take no thought, saying, What shall we eat? or, What shall we drink? or, Wherewithal shall we be clothed?

"(For after all these things do the Gentiles seek:) for your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of all these things.

"But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.

"Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof."

I knew that He would provide. I knew that He knew what I needed and what was happening. He has ALWAYS taken care of me, and I knew He would continue to do so. Even though I knew all of that, I still struggled with being patience. I hate waiting! (Then again, who likes it?!)

I hate waiting for a red light to turn green. I hate waiting for my work day to end so I can go home. I hate sitting in traffic and having to wait to get home. I hate waiting for the weekend. I hate waiting in line at the grocery store. I hate waiting for a response to a question in a text message or chat. I hate waiting for food to be ready to eat. I hate waiting for my paycheck so I have money again. I hate waiting for time when I can visit family or go on vacation. I hate waiting for the holidays.

But today while I waited to pick up a prescription, even though there was no line, I enjoyed it. And this morning while I worked and waited until I was done so I could start my weekend, I enjoyed it. I am learning, through humility, to enjoy the wait and learn true patience. (Because "Patience is not simply enduring; it is enduring well!")

I am learning that the more I humble myself, the more strength I receive to do things I wouldn't be able to do on my own.

After being proud and not opening the scriptures for weeks, I listened to 1 Nephi 15 this morning. In summary, Nephi finds his brothers arguing about the things which their father had said. Nephi was then upset because of this and because of what he saw, which was wicked people culminating in their destruction. So Nephi was overwhelmed by all of these things. BUT before he talked to his brothers, in verse 6 it says that he, "received strength." Then he proceeds to talk to his brothers and ask them questions.

That phrase "received strength" stood out to me. The scriptures don't spell out exactly what Nephi meant by that. But I am guessing that he was able to calm down. I think his feelings of grief left. And I also firmly believe that he was given strength from the Lord. He didn't have the strength alone to converse with his siblings. But because he was humble, the Lord was able to bless him with strength beyond his own.

The last year or so has been one of the hardest years for me. There have been many great blessings as well, but I have also been compelled to be humble many times. Over the course of the last month, I feel like I'm finally choosing to be humble. (I worry that by saying that I'm actually being proud.) In all honesty though, I'm trying to listen more and talk less. I'm trying to be more submissive and less stubborn. I'm trying to enjoy the wait instead of hurrying through it. I'm trying to be more kind and less mean. I'm trying to be more like Him and less like the natural man. It's a slow process that isn't always easy, but it's definitely worth it.

I'm so grateful that Heavenly Father is infinitely patient with me and loves me unconditionally despite all of the times I take a step or leap backwards. I'm grateful that we can repent often. And I'm grateful He lets us choose so that we can learn and grow. I'm grateful that He can help me, if I invite Him to, "Always stay humble and kind."