I just finished watching the Netflix original 13 Reasons Why. Many of you would not approve of this series as it consists of suicide, swearing, substance abuse, and sex while also containing graphic and disturbing images. (I am not writing about it to recommend or not recommend that you watch it.) Some of you may be wondering why I would watch such a show, especially in the state I've been in. A huge reason I watched it was because of where I'm at. The irony is that I intentionally avoided watching it ever since it came out because I heard that it was "disturbing", which made me have no desire to watch it because I was afraid what it would entail. But I finally caved because I needed a distraction and felt that I've hit my lowest low sometime in the last 6 months, so what the hell.
13 Reasons Why is about Hannah Baker, a girl in high school, who ends her life by suicide and all the aftermath of her death. Although, I'm not in high school nor have I ever dealt with most of the themes presented in this drama, it led me to think more about suicide, the overarching subject of 13 Reasons Why. And I want to start a conversation about just that. So here it goes.
S U I C I D E
Ending one's own life.
Some wonder how anyone could ever do such a thing. Others marvel how they haven't already ended their own life. Few even begin to understand the complexity of such a decision.
I'm not going to pretend to be an expert on the subject because I'm not. However, I have been touched by suicide. One of my aunts, Cherylyn, died by suicide almost 17 years ago. I wasn't close to her. I lived states apart from her and her family. But she was my aunt, and I loved her. Her death came as a shock to me, and it was upsetting. And as a 13 year old, I couldn't understand how she could leave her husband and 3 children behind. As I got older and battled, and continue to battle, with my own mental illness, I have come to see why someone would do that.
I have never attempted suicide, but I have come close on more than one occasion...
The first time I remember having the violent will to take my life was when I was 18 or 19 and living with the Densley's. I can't recall if I was home alone or not. I had just found out some news that shouldn't have been as devastating as it was. But it was the tipping point for me. Words can't describe how upset I was. I remember grabbing my keys and feeling like a crazy person. I wanted it all to be over. I didn't know how I was going to do it, but I raced out the door, jumped in my car, and sped off. I didn't plan on coming back.
About a mile down the road, I was sitting at a stoplight waiting to get on the freeway, and I picked up my phone and called someone I deeply admired. (He probably doesn't even remember this call.) I don't even remember if I told him I wanted to kill myself or what was said, but whatever he said calmed me down and I didn't die that day.
A year and a half ago, I was hospitalized for intense suicidal thoughts. Once I was discharged, I started going to counseling again and began taking medications again. I kept on living.
2018 is a blur. I feel like I spent most of the year being not okay and/or suicidal. Thanksgiving was a close call. I honestly don't know how I made it through to 2019.
I wish I could say that I'm out of the woods and my suicidal thoughts have disappeared, but that is not the case. I can't remember exactly when they started, this time around, but I know they've been ongoing for at least 2 months, probably longer. Because they've been constant for that long, it's hard to remember what it feels like to not want to kill myself. With each passing day that they harrow my mind, my hope in ridding myself of them becomes less and less.
In March 2016, I posted a picture of my aunt's headstone on Instagram and wrote, "...It's been 14 years since [Cher] passed away. Thinking of her makes me want to fight harder..." I don't have that same desire - to fight - anymore. I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I'm drained.
During the last episode of 13 Reasons Why, Clay (one of the main characters) asked, "So how do we survive?" I seriously wish I knew. Because it would be nice to not think about dying all of the time. I just feel like I'm suffocating, and no matter what I try to do, I can't breathe. I keep coming back to the same conclusion... living like this is not sustainable.
And I have a good life. I have great roommates, I love my ward, I have a good job, I like my coworkers, I have amazing friends, and I know there are several people who love and care about me. Why then would I want to take my life? I don't. I don't want to die by suicide. But I can't endure the pain forever.
The pain of loneliness, yet isolating yourself because you don't have the strength to put on a facade. The pain of feeling unloved, even though people say they love you. The pain of hopelessness, despite everyone constantly telling you that things will get better. The pain of despair, though you know the light exists. The pain of facing another day while feeling tomorrow is impossible. The pain of dissonance between your thoughts and feelings. The pain of not being understood and feeling like nobody gets it. The pain of your inner demons tearing you apart, which just brings more shame and guilt. The pain of feeling like you will never know joy again. The pain of feeling undeserving of love.
I feel like I'm stuck in a perpetual state of suicidal ideation. And I hate that I'm not okay. I hate that I wish my life was over. I feel guilty that I'm not fine. I feel ashamed that I am such a dark cloud in everyone's life. That only intensifies my longing to be gone. But somehow I keep trying despite the anguish.
How do we help people who are suffering with suicidal thoughts?
For starters, we can listen and acknowledge how they feels instead of trying to fix them. Megan Devine, a psychotherapist, shared, "Cheering people up, telling them to be strong and persevere, helping them move on - it doesn't actually work... We're not really sure what to do with someone's pain, so we do what we've been taught - we look on the bright side, we try to make people feel better, we give people advice... In order to really support you, I have to acknowledge that things really are as bad as they feel to you..." (For the full video, see "How to Support a Friend Going through a Difficult Time.") They want to be validated, heard, loved, supported, and cared for.
In addition, we can show our love and care for them by reaching out consistently. Miles Heizer, who played Alex in 13 Reasons Why, commented, "It's really beneficial and it is helpful to have someone there, even when you're doubting their motives. If people just continue to show up and they're there, overtime you just start to realize that they're not doing it for any other reason other than the fact that they care about you." Showing your love to someone goes much further than just saying you love them, although voicing it is important as well.
Deciding to die by suicide is complex. It's not the easy way out. Nobody really wants to choose suicide. They want relief from the agony they are facing. We can do better to help those in the throes of suicidal ideation by judging less and loving more and preaching less and validating more.
*Myths about suicide.
*Other ways to help someone who is suicidal.
*If you need help now, please visit the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline.
