Mental Health Awareness Month Day 11.
We aren’t hearing people as often as we may think we’re listening, much less as often as they actually speak.
On December 11th (I didn’t remember the date off the top of my head), I was in my bedroom with the door closed avoiding everyone. I suddenly heard Shelly on the phone with someone, and I realized her aunt (who, last I heard, was doing relatively well) was dying. I just kept thinking how the timing couldn’t have been worse. (Not that there is ever a “good time” for someone to be dying.) She and Randal were supposed to get on a plane the following day to take off for the weekend celebrating their 30th anniversary. But Shelly didn’t know that because Randal wanted it to be a surprise. I knew because Randal had asked me to help with a few things to make that surprise, along with other surprises, a success.
Meanwhile, I was intensely suicidal. (And the Densley’s had no idea. I didn’t keep them apprised of my suicidality. I only told them once it was in the past.) I had texted 2 crisis lines the night before. I knew that Shelly and Randal would be gone for the weekend, and I feared being mostly alone (two of the teenage boys would be home here and there). When I was that suicidal, I knew I needed to be with people to feel safe. That wouldn’t really be able to happen if I stayed at their house that weekend.
I continued to hear Shelly change her mind about what to do about her aunt. The thought of her going to Arizona that day also terrified me because again, I would be home alone. So I decided to be brave and vulnerable. I left the comfort of my bedroom and approached Shelly. I told her that I heard her aunt was dying and I felt so badly. I asked Shelly if I could go with her to Arizona. She declined and said she preferred to be alone. I was SO torn! I knew EXACTLY how that felt to want to be alone. But I knew I needed to NOT be alone. I hadn’t told Shelly that, so she had no idea.
I returned to my room and couldn’t pull myself together. I was a wreck and didn’t know what to do. I kept hearing Shelly’s plans change. But I didn’t feel like I could ask her again if I could go with them, even if I told them what was going on with me. Their final plan was for Shelly, Randal, and Kelly to go to Arizona as soon as Kelly (her twin sister) got to their house (Kelly lived about an hour away).
I heard Randal come home. I heard them go in and out of the house, packing the car. I heard Kelly arrive with one or two of her kids. (Logistically, there was no longer room in the car for me.) I was beyond not okay. I was in crisis. I was trying to figure out what I needed and what I had to do, but this was such terrible timing. I didn’t want to take away from their dying aunt and what they needed to do.
Finally, I was brave again. They were about to leave. Randal was out at the car. I decided to be honest with him and stop with my facade. I said that I knew it was such terrible timing. He could tell right away something wasn’t okay and he asked what was going on. I told him that if I told him what was in my mind, he and Shelly wouldn’t go to Arizona, and they needed to go. He knew. I started bawling. Randal put his arms around me and just held me. I could not stop crying. Apparently, THAT was one thing I needed. Someone to listen. Someone to hear me. Someone to know. Someone to understand. Someone to hold me.
Once I could speak again, I briefly explained why I was feeling so suicidal. At that point, it had a lot to do with having no income, being in a ton of debt, and not knowing how to face the late fees and interest and all the balances that were continuing to grow. He told me two things. One, he could help me and he would help me work with all of my creditors. Two, it’s just money. Then, Randal told me it would be okay, and he told me he would check on me later. (And he did.)
That was one of the most sacred moments in my entire life. Because even though, Randal had just found out Shelly’s aunt was dying and was trying to leave for Arizona as quickly as he could, he made time for me. He didn’t brush me off. He didn’t tell me to stop being suicidal. He did compare his life to mine. He didn’t try to fix me. And he didn’t start making things about him. He listened to ME and heard ME. And I was beyond grateful for him and that moment.
I wrote a lengthy Facebook post super late that night. I was still pretty upset. I don’t think I was mad at anyone specifically. Actually, I think I was the most frustrated with myself. Because I knew I needed help. I knew I was stuck. I knew I was depressed and suicidal. But I didn’t know what to do or how to get unstuck.
Fast forward exactly 6 months later to today. I cannot tell you exactly what got me unstuck. I can’t tell you how I went from complete darkness to mostly light. Because it was a gradual process. It was numerous little things. Sometimes so small that I didn’t even know they were helping. And it is still the small things that are allowing me to continue walking in light.
But I do know that listening and being listened to is critical to healing. It plays a bigger role than we may think. I don’t think we give it enough credit. Because we are too busy talking and competing and thinking of what we’re going to say and telling people what we think will help them. When in reality, the best option is to “stop talking” as Glennon Doyle’s business card says and listen deeply.
Because, like Glennon said this morning, “We don’t share to be fixed. We share to be seen.” (For Glennon’s video from today on listening click here.) #heber #listen #listening #thepoweroflistening #theartoflistening #areyoureallylistening #areyoubeingheard #suicidal #depression #mentalillness #mentalhealth #mentalhealthawareness #mentalhealthawarenessmonth #mentalhealthinthetimeofcorona #letsbereal #31in31at31 #agamutofgrey #lifeisbeautiful #may2020 5.11.20
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