I'm beginning to see a pattern, and I feel so blind for not recognizing it sooner. And maybe it's not that I haven't noticed, but that I haven't wanted to. But it seems like I can somehow force myself through the monotony of each day for 29 days regardless of how exhausted, mad, alone, and sad I feel. Then on day 30, I seem to crack or break down and not even for the day, maybe a few hours, and sometimes just a few minutes. In that short time I am reminded of a few things:
I am so blessed.
Heavenly Father has a perfect plan for me.
I am not alone.
I am loved.
And then how quickly I forget and fall back into my frustration and bitterness. Nothing seems to matter, and life becomes a chore again.
And day 30 came back around today. Except this time, Heavenly Father has reminded me of the same things through a different tender mercy...
I booked my flight home to San Diego for Tavin's wedding in May! And I was so excited that I had to tell my family and closest friends immediately. (I honestly can't remember the last time I was this excited for anything.) And the mutual excitement between me and a best friend, turned into an hour long conversation with tears and laughter, but mostly tears. Tears are often equated with sadness, and I felt that tonight for both of us for different reasons. But I also felt love and hope and strength for her and for myself. Lately those things are fleeting for me, so I was truly grateful to feel those things again. I was also reminded that:
I have allowed Satan to take advantage of my weak and vulnerable state.
I can become strong again, but the only way to do that is to not give up, but to keep going and endure, and it might take time (possibly and most likely more than I'd like it to).
I am a good person.
I will get though this.
After our conversation, the tears flooded. Because I am grateful for a loving Heavenly Father who puts people in my life to remind me that I am loved unconditionally. Even when I don't want to accept that love because I feel like I don't deserve it, they love me anyway, but most importantly He loves me anyway. And because He reminds me continually that my deepest desire should be to "come home." I don't mean going home to San Diego. But there is a strong parallel between how I feel about going home to San Diego in a couple of months for a few days and how I should feel about returning to my heavenly home at some point later down the road for eternity.
I have friends and family in San Diego who I can't wait to see and they can't wait to see me. I have friends and family in San Diego who I don't want to disappoint.I have friends and family in San Diego who make me want to be better. I have friends and family in San Diego who love me no matter what. And they are always cheering me on, even when I fall. They remind me of my potential. Sometimes being away from, these things can become easy to forget.
Just like my friends and family back home in San Diego, I have friends and family on the other side of the veil. They are anxiously awaiting my return. In the mean time, they are cheering me on. They cry with me in my sorrow. And they joy with me in my successes. They love me despite my weaknesses and imperfections. They can see who I can become.
But because they aren't here, it can be harder to remember. It becomes easy to feel alone. The temptation to give up is strong. And it becomes so easy to become overwhelmed and lose hope, lose sight, and lose faith. BUT...
"These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world." (John 16:33)
What does that mean to us? What does that mean for me and you?
"As part of our mortal probation, we pass through affliction, pain, and disappointment. Only in Jesus Christ can we find peace. He can help us to be of good cheer and to overcome all the challenges of this life.
"What does it mean to be of good cheer? It means having hope, not getting discouraged, not losing faith, and living life joyfully. 'Men are, that they might have joy.' It means facing life with confidence.
"The gospel of Jesus Christ gives us the strength and the eternal perspective to face what is coming with good cheer" ("Be of Good Cheer and Faithful in Adversity" by Elder Adhemar Damiani in April 2005 General Conference).
It has been quite ironic to me that I finally live where I have wished for most of my life to live, yet since moving to Utah, I feel like I have struggled more in literally every aspect of life than at any other time. I have felt such unhappiness, pain, and fear. But as I drove home from work today while passing Y Mountain in view to my left, I began to cry because I couldn't help but think of how blessed I am to live Provo. I have literally dreamed of living here, and it is now my reality. (#amidreaming)
Just minutes before arriving at home every day, I come within view of both Provo temples on the horizon, which are both less than 5 miles from where I live. Everyone I work with is LDS. My church building is literally in what would be my backyard if I had one, and yet I pass two other church buildings on my three minute drive to church. If I want, I can see the Mormon Tabernacle Choir perform live every Sunday morning. (I have had multiple opportunities to see them perform in the short time I have lived here. Thank you, Gail!) I no longer have to "go to Utah" for conference weekend. I have the comfort of sleeping in my own bed and being able to view General Conference live at the Conference Center if I choose. Within about a 40 mile stretch of I-15, I can see six temples from the freeway. And every single day, I see the beautiful mountains. I can't even begin to count the many friends and family members I know and love that live in this wonderful state. And to top it all off, I've been blessed with a great job, a wonderful ward, an amazing bishopric, an awesome stake presidency, and incredible roommates. I love Utah! And I'm so grateful to call it home.
I know that gratitude, love, power, and strength can once again become a regular, daily, and even minutely part of my life. I just have to keep my eye on the goal and remember, "I'm coming home!"
