D e p r e s s i o n.
It is real. More real than anything else I have experienced. Don’t tell us it is not because you will lose that argument. It is misunderstood. More misunderstood than anything else I know of. Don’t tell us you understand because more than likely, you don’t. It is deadly. More deadly than smoking. Don’t tell us suicide is a cop out because it is not that easy. It is taboo. Don’t tell us it is not because we will prove you wrong.
It is real. More real than anything else I have experienced. Don’t tell us it is not because you will lose that argument. It is misunderstood. More misunderstood than anything else I know of. Don’t tell us you understand because more than likely, you don’t. It is deadly. More deadly than smoking. Don’t tell us suicide is a cop out because it is not that easy. It is taboo. Don’t tell us it is not because we will prove you wrong.
I have depression.
For the last 14 years I have had depression. And I will most likely have it for the rest of my life. It does not have a cure. There are ways that can help me cope, but there isn’t one simple formula or one magic trick. Every day is a battle.
Depression is the worst illness I have ever had.
Nothing I have had has ever caused more pain and sorrow than having depression. I would take kidney stones again if it meant that I didn’t have to have depression anymore. But that is not how it works. For me, the biggest overall symptoms of depression have always been: lacking energy and being tired. As a result of those, not having a desire to do anything, including the things I love, is common. That doesn’t even scratch the surface of all of the residual effects that come from depression.
Wanting to sleep all of the time.
Not wanting to do anything ever.
Feeling depressed for days, weeks, and months for sometimes no reason at all.
Not eating because even putting something in the microwave requires more energy than I have or because nothing sounds good.
Not being able to shower or even get out of bed because merely standing seems impossible.
Feeling ashamed that I have depression.
Ignoring phone calls, visitors, and text messages, even from those I love most.
Isolating myself by not going anywhere with anyone.
Spending all of my time in bed asleep.
Not going to work or school or wherever I was supposed to go because I cannot shake how awful I feel and paint enough of a facade to function.
Eating junk food, knowing it isn’t good for me, because it is the only thing that gives me a moment of happiness.
Wishing my life was over because that would end the unrelenting sadness and anguish I feel.
Failing multiple classes as a college student because the stress and pressure of school trigger me into a downward spiral.
Forcing myself to do the things I love, but not feeling any better after doing them.
Dropping out of BYU-Idaho because I could not handle putting myself through the agony and torture of failing over and over again.
Consciously spending time with people, but feeling just as terrible after being with them as I would have had I stayed home.
Feeling grateful I am not in a dating relationship with a guy because my life would be too much of a burden for him.
Feeling guilty I am in a dating relationship because I hate that someone else has to suffer through all of this with me.
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| Photograph by MarLyn Hill |
Being surrounded by people, but feeling invisible because just interacting with them hurts too much.
Ending a dating relationship because my boyfriend couldn’t love all of me, including the part of me that is sometimes overcome by depression.
Not telling others how I really feel because nobody wants to be around a Negative Nancy.
Hiding my emotions and feelings behind a facade because I fear that I will not be accepted or tolerated as I am in the depth of my depression.
Missing a wedding I was trying to be so excited about because I cannot share an ounce of joy with anyone for any reason.
Lying awake in the middle of the night unable to sleep because I literally slept all day, but wishing I could because being awake is too much to bear.
Feeling like nobody understands because, unless they have experienced depression, they will never truly understand what I am going through.
Crying myself to sleep for nights on end because I feel that happiness is unachievable.
Seriously contemplating ending my life because living seems unfathomable.
Being hospitalized because the suicidal thoughts are turning into a plan and my reality has become a nightmare.
Switching medications over and over again and feeling like I will never feel normal or find something that will help.
Feeling shame for being medicated, even though I know depression is an illness, because I wish I was normal and sometimes I do appear and/or feel normal.
Questioning if I have made any progress in learning to cope with depression because over and over again I feel like I am right back at square one.
Exhausted from being tired and depressed all of the time and wishing there was a better way to live.
Wanting to write and share my experiences with you, but feeling paralyzed and unable to type anything.
A few months ago, I was hospitalized, as I mentioned earlier. There were a number of things that brought me to the point in which my only option left was to immediately be admitted to Uni (University of Utah) Behavioral Health Clinic. Losing my job, moving from Provo to Salt Lake, breaking up with my boyfriend (who I had planned to marry), starting a new job, and going on a Disney Cruise (which was literally the best vacation I have ever had).
Even though it was necessary, I still didn’t want to go. I knew I needed help to get out of the horrible place I was in mentally, but I didn’t want to have help. However, I was completely incapable of improving at all on my own. As much as I did not want to be hospitalized (then again, who actually ever wants to be hospitalized??), I was grateful to have someone in my life, whom I trust so deeply and who loves me unconditionally, tell me what I needed to do. And although I could have submitted myself to the hospital alone (because I am Miss Independent), I was so incredibly grateful that I did not have to because this friend, who is like a sister to me, was there with me every step of the way.
One of the biggest realizations I had while at Uni was, there is a great need to raise awareness about mental illnesses, including depression. Most people do not understand it. Most people do not know how to handle or be around people struggling with mental illness. More people struggle with mental illness than most people are aware of. Most people that deal with mental illness appear fairly normal. Most people do not know how serious and deadly mental illness is.
Another epiphany I had while in the hospital was, I need to be more accepting of who I am as a depression patient. There is not a medication, nor therapist, nor workout, nor friend that will help me unless I can accept and be okay with myself having depression. Much of my time with depression has been spent beating myself up for having it. But that only makes it so much worse. The mean dialogues in my head have to stop, and I have to consciously change them to kind ones. Mindfulness and positive self-talk are not the cure alls, but they will help me more than I ever thought they could.
To those with depression, or any other mental illness:
You are precious! You are strong! You are incredible! You are resilient! This is not your fault! You are not less than anyone else because of your mental illness! Accept yourself with your illness! Be brave and fight against it every day! Do not cower in fear or give into the lie that there is no hope! There is hope! You can live a more normal life than depression would have you think! You are one among millions who battle against mental illness! We are in this together!
You are precious! You are strong! You are incredible! You are resilient! This is not your fault! You are not less than anyone else because of your mental illness! Accept yourself with your illness! Be brave and fight against it every day! Do not cower in fear or give into the lie that there is no hope! There is hope! You can live a more normal life than depression would have you think! You are one among millions who battle against mental illness! We are in this together!
To those who do not have depression, or any other mental illness:
Be loving to your friends and family members who do have a mental illness. Try to understand them. Learn about their illness, so you can be a support and a strength to them. Please do not tell them to just snap out of it or start exercising. There is no quick fix for depression. And what may appear easy to you is not as easy to someone in the throes of depression. Their mind works differently because of their illness. Please do not add to the burden they carry. Help alleviate the guilt and shame that are far too common with depression by telling them it is okay and by being kind and compassionate. Talk about depression! Ask how they feel and why, but do not force it out of them. Then when they do open up, accept what they have told you and validate them. Do not try to fix it or tell them what to do. Be the listening ear they so desperately need!
Be loving to your friends and family members who do have a mental illness. Try to understand them. Learn about their illness, so you can be a support and a strength to them. Please do not tell them to just snap out of it or start exercising. There is no quick fix for depression. And what may appear easy to you is not as easy to someone in the throes of depression. Their mind works differently because of their illness. Please do not add to the burden they carry. Help alleviate the guilt and shame that are far too common with depression by telling them it is okay and by being kind and compassionate. Talk about depression! Ask how they feel and why, but do not force it out of them. Then when they do open up, accept what they have told you and validate them. Do not try to fix it or tell them what to do. Be the listening ear they so desperately need!
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| Photography by Liz Frandsen |
