Only I Can Save Myself 5.31.20

Mental Health Awareness Month Day 31.

Only I can save myself.

As a child, I had this fantasy about being rescued from my parents. It was a fantasy because I began to believe it would never happen. I was stuck for 18 years in a dysfunctional, abusive, neglectful house. The cops seemed to frequently show up because our neighbors would call them because they could hear my parents fighting and yelling. I have little memories of just being a kid and enjoying my childhood.

When I was 13, my aunt did “rescue” me and my brother. I was grateful for her, but I think most of my actions said otherwise. For that, I feel SO badly. I wish I could go back and really appreciate living with my aunt and uncle and cousins. I wish I could have been kinder. I wish I could have let the little things go. I wish I could have argued less. I wish I could have been an easier niece and cousin to live with. Sadly, I don’t think I knew better. And if I did, I don’t think I cared. I think I was hurt and angry. I think I was trying to balance a fine line between doing what was expected and doing what I wanted. I think I was lost and confused. I think I thought I knew what I wanted, but I really had no idea. That doesn’t excuse my poor behavior, but it helps anybody who was in the crossfire at that time understand just a tiny bit why I was the way I was and why I did what I did.

Unfortunately, living with the Abernathy’s was short-lived. After a year and a half, my brother and I had to return to live with our parents. I was devastated. I thought I would live with my cousins until I was 18 and could be on my own. I wondered how anyone could send us back into such a hostile living environment. Yet again, I longed to be rescued, although I was fairly certain it wouldn’t happen. I would just have to somehow make it through the next 3.5 years.

Around spring of my sophomore year, I met a woman named Boo. I remember thinking then that that was God compensating for not letting me stay with the Abernathy’s. He sent me Boo to help me make it through the rest of high school. He sent her into my life to save me. I was so grateful. Although I had to live in an unsettling place, I had the Densley’s and I had Boo to help me survive. But nothing is guaranteed.

Right before my senior year, Boo told me she and Tyler were moving. I was so sad and disappointed. I remember thinking selfishly, “How could she leave me just before my last year of high school?” Once again, I felt like I was being abandoned again. That year, I almost didn’t graduate high school. I was depressed and distraught. I felt like nobody cared. I felt like everyone would leave me. And in numerous ways, I stopped caring about me. Because if nobody cared about me, why should I?

A lot has happened since I graduated high school. I wish I could say so much has changed. But I don’t think any real change has happened until very recently. I spent many years still wishing and hoping to be rescued. Even though I was no longer in a place I needed to be rescued from, I still yearned to be rescued. For years, I hoped a charming guy would come and sweep me off my feet and take me away from all the shit I faced. (That’s what Disney teaches us, right?) When I gave up on that dream, I went back to wanting to be saved by my best friend. If she couldn’t save me, what was the point of living? If nobody was coming to save me, why should I? Because clearly my existence doesn’t matter, so why the hell should I continue to live if I am in such agony?! That is seriously what I thought.

Sometime in the last 7 months, I ultimately learned this truth. Only I can save myself. The Densley’s couldn’t save me. The Abernathy’s couldn’t save me. Boo couldn’t save me. And they can’t. In my darkest moments, hours and days, there were times when people would reach out and times when nobody reached out. And amidst that I was all over the place about how I felt in reaction to that. Some days I was grateful to be heard, thought of, remembered, and loved. Other days I was angry and ignored people trying to contact me and wished I could disappear. On those days when I didn’t hear from anyone, I was hurt and I was proved right… nobody cared, nobody loved me, nobody would notice if I took my life. 

I desperately wanted to be saved. And I was infuriated that nobody would save me. When I figured out that nobody COULD save me, even if they really wanted to, I was beside myself. Because that was the one thing I had longed for my whole life. And I couldn’t have it. I never would.

When my counselor in San Diego told me I had become the abuser, my gut reaction was to be offended. Why would I abuse my own self? But my next thought was, she’s right. As much as I didn’t want to be like my parents, I was following in their toxic footsteps because that was what I knew. That was deeply ingrained into me against my will. I reflected on every year that had gone by since leaving my parents’ house. 13 years. How does 13 years go by without me realizing what was really going on?! How has nothing changed after all the counseling, the hospitalizations, the medications?! Why am I continuing to relive my traumatic childhood?!

I didn’t fully understand that only I can save myself.

My current journal says, “You had the power all along, my dear,” on the cover. Glinda tells Dorothy that in The Wizard of Oz. Dorothy was on this journey to Oz because she wanted to find someone to solve her problems. But really, it was a journey of self-discovery. Oz had no power. He couldn’t give the scarecrow a brain, the tinman courage, or the lion a heart. In a way, I was looking for an Oz of my own. I felt like I had no control over my life. I wanted control, but I felt powerless. I felt incapable. I felt stuck. But I’ve always had the power.

We have this misconception that we could have prevented someone from taking their life. We feel guilty for their actions. We blame ourselves for what they did. We talk endlessly about if we only did more they wouldn’t have died by suicide. But it is all wrong. We don’t have that much power.

Only I can save me. Only you can save you. If someone really wants to end their life, nobody else is going to stop them. If someone chooses to end their life, it is on them and nobody else is responsible for their suicide.

Yes, how we interact with each other can help or harm them. But at the end of the day, one has to decide that they are worth saving and that they want to be saved. Then they have to save themselves. They have to reach out and find help. Only then can others help them. Only then can they change. Only then can they start the path to healing. Only then can they save themself. #stgeorge #rescueme #saveme #onlyicansavemyself #youhavethepower #youcanchange #anger #suicide #suicidality #suicidalthoughts #unrealisticexpectations #codependency #mentalillness #mentalhealth #mentalhealthawareness #mentalhealthawarenessmonth #mentalhealthinthetimeofcorona #coronavirus #covid19 #corona2020 #letsbereal #31in31at31 #agamutofgrey #lifeisbeautiful #may2020 5.31.20

No Two People Ever Have the Exact Same Experience 5.30.20

Mental Health Awareness Month Day 30.

No two people ever have the exact same experience.

As I’ve mentioned previously, I grew up in a dysfunctional house. I am incredibly grateful that at 9 years old, I met the Densley’s. (Honestly, I don’t think I could have made it through my childhood without them.) When I met them they had two kids. (They are about 3.5 and 6 years younger than me, which at the time felt like a HUGE difference. Later they had two more kids. And they are are 13 and 15 years younger than me.) I remember hearing them complain about their parents, as most kids do. I couldn’t understand why they seemed annoyed about their parents, who to me seemed like the best parents. Because I was SO much older than them, I felt justified thinking that they had no idea how good they had it. To me, their life was great because their parents were amazing. I wished they could see that.

Now that we’re all grown up, I have realized that no two people ever have the exact same experience. In my eyes, the Densley’s were the parents I always wished I had. Each of their kids has a different perspective on how they were raised. And that is okay. When I was little, it was aggravating to me. Why couldn’t they just be grateful for their parents?! But I saw their family through the lens of my own family. So it was easy for me to wish for something that looked better than what I had. They didn’t know any different, so how could they feel the same way I felt?

We are constantly comparing ourselves to those around us. In essence, we’re seeing everyone else’s life through the filter of our own. We think they should do this or not do that. We judge people on what we see in passing based on our own experience. We forget that their story is a novel, and we have only seen a page or a chapter of it. We don’t even see clearly the people we’re closest to. We overlook the fact that another’s decisions are based on everything they have faced. We think we know better because we’ve been through more or had a harder life. But the truth is they are trying their best just like we are.

People tell us about something that happened to them. We try to relate by sharing what we think is a similar story. But the reality is no two people ever have the exact same experience. We are all uniquely different. Just because of our individuality, we will never have the very same vantage point. We may both ride a roller coaster, but I come off it never wanting to do that again. Meanwhile, you had the time of your life. 

Each one of us is who we are because of the collective experiences we have had over our lifetime. What we believe, the way we think, how we feel, what we say, what we do is all based on that collective experience. Instead of judging and trying to convince people our way is better, we need to embrace our differences. We need to accept that there is more than one way to reach our goals. One woman can breastfeed her kids, work, and still be a wonderful mom. And another woman can bottle feed her kids, stay at home, and also be a wonderful mom. There is no one way to do things. We can have differing ways of living and still love each other.

Let’s remember to validate each other’s experiences and listen to each other instead of comparing ourselves by making their stories seem not as incredible or not as awful as our own. Life isn’t a competition. And no two people ever have the exact same experience. #stgeorge #individuality #stopcomparing #validate #listen #acceptance #lifeisntarace #mentalillness #mentalhealth #mentalhealthawareness #mentalhealthawarenessmonth #mentalhealthinthetimeofcorona #coronavirus #covid19 #corona2020 #letsbereal #31in31at31 #agamutofgrey #lifeisbeautiful #may2020 5.30.20

Be Compassionate with Yourself Too 5.29.20

Mental Health Awareness Month Day 29.

The beauty of a good therapist is they let you realize what you need to do instead of telling you what to do.

I wrote that as one of the 31 things at the beginning of the month. I was trying to sum up why my counselor in San Diego was SO great. That is definitely one reason she was so amazing. 

What’s funny is I had a counseling session (via Zoom) last night where this exact thing was demonstrated. My new counselor talked to me about compassionate voices. He showed me a video about them. Then he role-played the non-compassionate voices and what they say regarding a current problem I’m super frustrated about. Next he role-played compassionate voices about the same issue. He asked me how each felt and what the difference was. I told him the “mean” voices were impatient and made me feel obligated like I have to do this thing. The “nice” voices were understanding and validating and they heard me, but at the same time reminded me what would be best. 

Nobody wants to be told what to do. Not as a child, and not as an adult. We are averse to commands and demands. It’s like once you tell us we have to take out the trash, we are most likely not going to take out the trash. But if you feel heard and are reminded that taking out the trash is in your best interest, you’re more likely to do it. Another difference between the two approaches is that the first seems to just want it immediately and is focused on that one thing and doesn’t care about how you feel or what you think. But the second seems to be patient and caring and focuses on the bigger picture.

There are many voices in my head the majority of the time. And for most of my life those voices have been cruel and unrelenting. Those voices have been ashamed of me and continued to put me down and break me apart. However, over the last few months I have been trying to be aware of my inner dialogue and change the voices. I have been trying to quiet the degrading and demeaning ones and instill kind and loving ones. It may sound silly. Does it really matter how we talk to ourselves? But it does!

If another person said mean things to us, we would be hurt. It would make sense that the mean thing they said hurt us. Why then is it we permit ourselves to speak so viciously to our minds and souls? Why is it acceptable to treat ourselves like shit but nobody else? We won’t put up with the slightest rude comment from someone else, but we allow ourselves to stone us.

We need to be our own best friend. After all, we know ourselves better than anyone else. We deserve all the patience, kindness, understanding, acceptance, validation, care, and love in the world. Who best to give us all of those things than ourselves? If we can’t be gentle with ourselves, how can we expect that from anyone else?

The way we talk to ourselves matters. The way we treat ourselves matters. The way we help each other matters. Let’s be more forgiving and merciful with ourselves instead of cracking a relentless whip of harshness. #heber #compassion #innerdialogue #voicesinmyhead #speakkindlytoyourself #beyourbestfriend #begentlewithyourself #lovewins #mentalillness #mentalhealth #mentalhealthawareness #mentalhealthawarenessmonth #mentalhealthinthetimeofcorona #coronavirus #covid19 #corona2020 #letsbereal #31in31at31 #agamutofgrey #lifeisbeautiful #may2020 5.29.20

People Aren't as Crazy as We Think 5.28.20

Mental Health Awareness Month Day 28.

When we call people crazy, we justify ignoring, avoiding, and dehumanizing them.

We see someone talking to themselves pacing back and forth in public. We call them crazy. Someone tells us they see things that aren’t really there. We call them crazy. Someone screams bloody murder as though they’re dying and we see no blood or sign of injury. We call them crazy. We see someone on the street who clearly hasn’t showered in a while. We call them crazy.

It’s easier to call them crazy and pretend they aren’t real than to acknowledge they are just as human as we are. Because if they are the same as us, then we worry that what has happened to them could happen to us. As long as they’re “crazy”, we will never be like them. If we see them as human, we feel obligated to not let them suffer.

The first time I was hospitalized I spent my first night with anyone and everyone. The next morning someone accused me of refusing to let a tech take my vitals. I was shocked. I tried to say it wasn’t me, but they weren’t convinced. Soon they realized they had mistaken me for a woman named Christine. (My name is Chris-tin-A. That is NOT the same as Christine.) Her hair was unkempt. She would yell, resist the techs/doctors, and say strange things. I was SUPER offended because she seemed “crazy” to me. How could they get us confused. Because clearly I was NOT crazy. I learned that Christine was detoxing. I couldn’t imagine what she was going through. Her behavior seemed so abnormal that I had labeled her as “crazy”. But maybe the only difference between me and her was her addiction to drugs. 

Later that day, I was moved to a different floor with patients more like me. I was surprised to learn that pretty much everyone I met who was hospitalized, with the exception of Christine, was normal. I was so shocked. I had spent my entire life thinking that mental/psychiatric hospitals were full of crazy/psycho people. But they weren’t.

I am aware there is a medical definition of crazy. But the majority of humans don’t fall into that category. Even if they are technically “crazy”, that doesn’t make them any less human than us. It doesn’t make them less deserving of all the things we all need and want. And it doesn’t justify us treating them worse than we would treat those we consider “normal”.

We need to label and judge others less. We need to be more loving and caring. People aren’t as crazy as we think. There is much more to their story than the eye can see. #heber #crazypeople #crazy #weallwantthesamethings #weareallhuman #wearealldeserving #namecalling #judgenot #youneverknow #mentalillness #mentalhealth #mentalhealthawareness #mentalhealthawarenessmonth #mentalhealthinthetimeofcorona #coronavirus #covid19 #corona2020 #letsbereal #31in31at31 #agamutofgrey #lifeisbeautiful #may2020 5.28.20

Discrimination Doesn't Discriminate 5.27.20

Mental Health Awareness Month Day 27.

Discrimination is a downhill slope to the dehumanization of humans who are different than you in any way.

Racism, sexism, religionism, mentalism, ageism, etc. It all goes against what our country was founded on. “...That all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their creator with certain unalienable rights, that among these are life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.” Unalienable! That means undeniable! Just because somebody is BORN they have the right to live, be free, and chase joy. Every single person deserves those things! But it’s 2020 and clearly we’re STILL not all on the same page about this. Because George Floyd is no longer with us. 

I’m not going to sit here and play “holier than thou”. I thought I wasn’t racist, but I’ve probably made racist comments. I am very aware that I was incredibly homophobic for most of my life. Before being hospitalized, I honestly thought mental hospitals were for “crazy people”. I recognize I have discriminated against people who were different than me plenty of times, and I will probably continue to do so. I will mess up and say or do the wrong thing. And I also get that white privilege is real, though I wish it wasn’t. (Just because I wish it wasn’t doesn’t make it any less real.) And I know I have been privileged just because of the color of my skin. And that’s not okay. What’s worse is discrimination and/or dehumanization because of the color of their skin or any other reason.

I’m angry because of how discrimination DOES affect me. And I get that I probably won’t face something as awful as someone like George Floyd simply because I’m white. But that doesn’t invalidate my anger. Hearing about him and so many others recently who have been killed for no reason just makes me realize I have more work to do. I can be better. I can learn more. I can be a better human.

Discrimination doesn’t discrimate. (Oh, the irony!) We are all equal simply because we are human. I TRULY believe that! The harsh reality is that we do not act that way. People are treated unjustly because of their race, their skin color, their religion, their gender, their sexual orientation, their marital status, their age, their mental illness, their disability, their political views, etc. That is not okay, wrong, despicable, and fucked up. No wonder suicide rates are so high.

I have been fired twice because of my mental illness. The first time my employer was unaware of my struggles. The second time my employer knew exactly what was going on. That is not okay. Most job applications say that they are an “equal employment opportunity”, but then they ask you to voluntarily disclose information that they could use to discriminate against you. Why would I disclose I struggle with depression if most people would not hire me just because of that fact alone? 

I do not know how we put an end to discrimination leading to innocent lives being taken or being fired unfairly or suicides or being treated any less or worse than a white male in power. (I honestly think that white males in power are the ONLY group that haven’t faced discrimination. They are the ones doing the discriminating.) But I do know staying silent doesn’t bring about change or justice. And we so desperately need justice and change. And we need it now! #heber #discrimination #georgefloyd #icantbreathe #dehumanization #injustice #wealldeservethesamethings #allmenarecreatedequal #speakup #silencekills #bethechange #breakthestigma #endracism #enddiscrimination #mentalillness #mentalhealth #mentalhealthawareness #mentalhealthawarenessmonth #mentalhealthinthetimeofcorona #coronavirus #covid19 #corona2020 #letsbereal #31in31at31 #agamutofgrey #lifeisbeautiful #may2020 5.27.20

Secrets Don't Make Friends 5.26.20

Mental Health Awareness Month Day 26.

We often keep secrets to avoid hurting those we love, but we actually end up hurting those we love MORE by keeping secrets in the first place.

Maybe I have been watching too much Grey’s. It’s my guilty pleasure lately. If you have never heard of it or watched it, Grey’s Anatomy is a drama about a bunch of surgeons. (It’s been on TV since 2005 and it’s STILL going.) It probably doesn’t sound that exciting to most of you. In fact, I still can’t believe I love it so much because I’m not a fan of doctors, hospitals, etc.

Anyway, I swear there is at least one person keeping a secret from someone else in every episode of that show because they think it’s best for the other person. And it drives me NUTS!! Also, it makes me think about my own life. We keep lots of secrets from each other ranging from silly and trivial to life-changing and confidential.

We tell children that Santa comes down the chimney bringing them and every child in the world gifts on the same night every year. We buy a gift for someone and tell the person shopping with us that it’s a surprise. We wait to announce pregnancies and the baby’s gender. We plan proposals without telling our significant other’s.

We lie, we steal, we cheat, we hide, we avoid. We leave out details. We deny realities. We don’t say what is really on our mind. We keep deep dark secrets. We say we’re fine when we’re actually not. We stay in the closet instead of coming out. We are silent instead of admitting guilt. We keep the diagnosis to ourselves. We hide our addictions. We lie to avoid the negative consequences. We cheat instead of dealing with the underlying issue(s). We think we’re doing the person in the dark a favor. We think we are keeping them out of harm’s way. We think we know best.

I am not saying we should never keep secrets or always tell everyone everything. But I feel like we keep more secrets than we really need to. Because we are afraid, ashamed, embarrassed, hurt, tired, angry, confused, overwhelmed, anxious, depressed, worried, jealous, lonely, annoyed, sad, disappointed, frustrated, neglected, abandoned, abused, discouraged, grieving, suicidal. 

We think secrets are better for us and the person we’re keeping it from. They weigh on us and burden us, which does more harm to ourselves than we may realize or admit. Secrets tend to come out anyway. And they cause more damage when they come out accidentally long after the fact than if we would have come clean up front. 

The solution isn’t merely confessing to the thing you want to hide or admitting the thing you hate about yourself. Though, that is a start. It’s living your life in a way in which you don’t want to or need to keep anything from anyone. I truly believe the more honest we can be with ourselves and the more integrity we can have in private, the more honest we can be with everyone else in our life and the more integrity we can have in public. #heber #secrets #secretsdontmakefriends #secretsweighusdown #behonest #haveintegrity #itwillsetyoufree #selfawareness #behindcloseddoors #someonealwaysfindsout #honesty #integrity #mentalillness #mentalhealth #mentalhealthawareness #mentalhealthawarenessmonth #mentalhealthinthetimeofcorona #coronavirus #covid19 #corona2020 #letsbereal #31in31at31 #agamutofgrey #lifeisbeautiful #may2020 5.26.20

Treat Others the Way THEY Want to Be Treated 5.25.20

Mental Health Awareness Month Day 25.

The Golden Rule is okay. The Platinum Rule is better - treat others how THEY want to be treated.

Most of us were taught and/or have at least heard of the Golden Rule. “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” Treat others the way you want to be treated. This is a good baseline if you don’t know what to do or say in a situation where someone else is involved or someone else will be affected. But the next level would be to treat others how THEY want to be treated.

I have been asked repeatedly how I got into photography. Often I answer by saying something cheesy like, I’ve had a camera in my hand ever since I can remember. (Which is technically true.) In thinking about why that is, I discovered that my passion to document life goes much deeper than the fact that I have pretty much always had a camera. I can count on one hand how many family pictures I have of me, my brother, and my parents. (There were only 4 of us. So it should have been easy to take a family photo regularly, right? But that just wasn’t the case with my family.) Because of my lack of family pictures, I subconsciously developed a desire to photograph everyone else. In doing so, I just assumed that everyone wished they could have precious moments of themselves and their loved ones captured forever. To a fault though, because when someone tells me they don’t want their picture taken and/or posted online, my gut reaction is to deny their reality and tell myself, that’s not true. At some point, they will look back and be glad they have that photograph. And that is because that is what I WANT. I try to be okay with people who say no to pictures. But it’s hard for me because I wish I had more photos of my immediate family. And I truly believe you will regret the photographs you didn’t take, not the ones you did.

That’s just one silly example of the Golden Rule versus “The Platinum Rule”. To me, the Golden Rule seems easier to follow because I know myself better than anyone else and I know what I want and what I like (or in theory I do anyway). However, treating someone the way THEY want to be treated involves more work and effort. You have to get to know someone. You have to listen to someone. You have to understand them. You have to put aside yourself, to learn how to treat them the way they would like to be treated. You have to stop thinking about what you want and ask them what they want.

I am not saying to neglect or hurt yourself to give others what they want. And I am not saying it’s okay to neglect or hurt someone else if it’s what they want. In general, I think there is room for improvement in all of our relationships. And one way we can make them better is to learn what the other person actually wants and give them that instead of just giving them what we would want or what we think they want. #heber #thegoldenrule #theplatinumrule #treatothersthewaytheywanttobetreated #improve #listen #bebetter #beselfless #belessselfish #mentalillness #mentalhealth #mentalhealthawareness #mentalhealthawarenessmonth #mentalhealthinthetimeofcorona #coronavirus #covid19 #corona2020 #letsbereal #31in31at31 #agamutofgrey #lifeisbeautiful #may2020 5.25.20

Suicide is Not a Crime 5.24.20

Mental Health Awareness Month Day 24.

People don’t commit suicide. They die by suicide.

I’m too tired to think or write or be inspired, so I pulled this from my list of 31.

People don’t commit a car accident. People don’t commit cancer. People don’t commit heart disease. People don’t commit old age. People don’t commit a stroke. People don’t commit diabetes. People don’t commit Alzheimer’s. And people don’t commit suicide.

Maybe you think the word choice doesn’t matter when talking about suicide, but it does. As long as people think suicide is a crime, those who die by suicide will continue to be misunderstood and others will continue to die by suicide.

Those who choose to take their lives aren’t criminals. They are suffering. They are overwhelmed. There are probably mental health issues. They are incapable of getting the help they need and deserve. And they die by suicide.

We need to stop being afraid of talking about suicide. I also think it does anyone who dies by suicide a disservice to keep it from others that they took their life. Who is that helping by keeping that a secret? That just adds to the stigma and the shame of suicide and mental illness.

People die by suicide. And we need to be able to talk about suicide honestly and openly. #heber #suicide #diebysuicide #nobodycommitssuicide #letstalkaboutsuicide #behonest #beopen #mentalillness #mentalhealth #mentalhealthawareness #mentalhealthawarenessmonth #mentalhealthinthetimeofcorona #coronavirus #covid19 #corona2020 #letsbereal #31in31at31 #agamutofgrey #lifeisbeautiful #may2020 5.24.20

Anger is Not Bad or Wrong 5.23.20

Mental Health Awareness Month Day 23.

Anger is not bad or wrong. It is what we do with our anger that can be bad or wrong.

I have been very angry the past couple of days. Tonight I wrote 1100 plus words about why I am angry. (And I’m sure that was just the tip of the iceberg.) Anger makes me want to do something. The other night I went on a drive and was speeding because of it. It has been suggested to me more than once that maybe I need to get a punching bag to release my anger. 

As a child, anger looked like screaming, yelling, swearing, name calling, throwing things, physical violence to others, slamming doors, storming off, breaking things, threats. Growing up watching and hearing that made me keep all my anger inside. I was usually silent when I was angry. I might have had anger written all over my face, but I rarely lashed out because of it.

On Thursday, I was listening to a new podcast called The Dissenters, and Glennon Doyle (author of Untamed) was the guest “dissenter”. Glennon said that women have approached her and said, “I’m struggling with my anger.” She wondered why we say that. Then she added, “Are you struggling with your joy?” 

The point is most of us think that there is something wrong with us if we are angry. Like we believe anger isn’t an emotion we should (there’s that awful word) feel. Later in that podcast, Glennon talks about learning that there isn’t something wrong with us, but there is something wrong. 

We are allowed to be angry. There isn’t anything wrong with feeling anger. If in our anger, we are doing damage to things and/or hurting others, that is when it becomes wrong. When we feel angry, we can learn to figure out what is wrong and then do something about it without it ever becoming bad. 

Tonight I was angry. I was angry that I had to wear a mask. But I willingly wore the mask. I wasn’t being forced to be in a place where I had to wear a mask. I was choosing to be there, and that was a requirement. Something was wrong. Something is wrong… We are dealing with a worldwide pandemic, and I personally am over it. So I’m not happy about wearing a mask. And that is okay. I don’t have to like it. I just have to be able to express and deal with my anger in an appropriate way. That has always been and will continue to be my goal. Because I have been a firsthand witness to anger when it isn’t controlled or dealt with in constructive ways. And that is when anger becomes problematic.

Being angry is not wrong. Feeling anger, or any other emotion, is to be alive and be human as Glennon would say. #provo #angry #anger #wearamask #ordontgothere #itsoktobeangry #thedissenters #glennondoyle #somethingwrong #notsomethingwrongwithus #mentalillness #mentalhealth #mentalhealthawareness #mentalhealthawarenessmonth #mentalhealthinthetimeofcorona #coronavirus #covid19 #corona2020 #letsbereal #31in31at31 #agamutofgrey #lifeisbeautiful #may2020 5.23.20

Wishing for Normal While Dreading Normal 5.22.20

Mental Health Awareness Month Day 22.

As much as I wish things could return to normal, I dread things returning to normal. Yet I am also aware things will never be completely the same again.

At first, I was fine with quarantine. I had plenty of things to do. (I don’t get bored. I don’t even believe in that word.) But then I felt like being stuck at home started to limit me getting better. And then I felt like it was making things worse. Now I’m realizing that I am more of a home body than I thought I was. Or maybe I’ve just become mostly content with not really being able to go wherever whenever with whoever.

But I’m so sick of it. All of it. I’m sick of hearing and thinking about the Coronavirus every day. I’m sick of hearing about the deaths from this pandemic. I’m sick of being bombarded by it on the news and on social media. I’m sick of things being closed and cancelled. I’m sick of the social distancing signs at the store. I’m sick of seeing masks instead of faces. I’m sick of not being able to hang out with anyone whenever I want. I’m sick of feeling like I have to walk on eggshells around everyone because everyone is handling this differently and everyone is on different levels of accepting or denying what is happening.

I’m grateful for the extra kindness and compassion that have been witnessed and felt. I’m grateful for life slowing down. I’m grateful for feeling like we’re all in this together. I’m grateful for less stress. I’m grateful for more people willing to give more people a break or cut them slack more often. I’m grateful for the perspective we have all been given. I’m more grateful for teachers, grocery store checkers, doctors, nurses, and all the others who have been deemed “essential workers” throughout all of this. I’m more grateful for technology and the Internet. 

I’m afraid as things return to “normal” that we will lose what we’ve learned during this pandemic. That we will build walls back up again. That we will busy our lives with things that don’t really matter. That we will forget about all those who still suffer when the world is “normal”. That we will check on each other less. That we will speak up less. That we will judge each other more. That we will put ourselves in each other’s shoes less. That we will become apathetic to dehumanization. 

I hope that we will really hold onto all of the good that came from this global virus. I hope we will let it change us for the better. I hope we will take off running with it and use it as a catalyst to improve our lives, our families, our communities, our societies, our cultures, our countries, and our world. I hope I will do that. And I hope you will too. #heber #exhaustedfromallofit #normal #stayathome #socialdistancing #quarantine #fear #hope #bethechange #holdontothegood #gratitude #mentalillness #mentalhealth #mentalhealthawareness #mentalhealthawarenessmonth #mentalhealthinthetimeofcorona #coronavirus #covid19 #corona2020 #letsbereal #31in31at31 #agamutofgrey #lifeisbeautiful #may2020 5.22.20

Keep One Small Promise to Yourself Each Day 5.21.20

Mental Health Awareness Month Day 21.

Keep one small promise to yourself each day.

It may seem like I’m going back to my list of 31, but I’m not. Maybe I will return to those remaining 12 things. Maybe I won’t. But talking about what is pressing on my mind now seems more important than what was on my mind at the beginning of the month.

After being hospitalized twice, I have wondered what makes that experience helpful and safe. There are many factors. One thing I tried to incorporate a couple months ago was to choose one thing to do daily no matter what. In the hospital, all the patients on the floor would gather with a tech, and we would check in twice a day. Once in the morning and once at night. In the morning, we would set a goal for the day, and in the evening, we would share whether or not we met our goal. Not only did we set a goal each day, but we said it out loud in front of our peers. And at the end of the day, we had the accountability of saying yes or no in front of our peers as well. Usually in the hospital, your goal was different each day. Because generally you are only there for a week or so, and you have things you must do before you can be released. 

Two months ago I signed up for a 30-day journal journey. I started journaling daily because I wanted to write according to those prompts I received each day. After 3 days of completing the prompts, I decided I didn’t like them, and I didn’t want to do them. I was kind of disappointed with myself because I am the queen of starting and not finishing things. And here was one more thing I had begun and not accomplished. Before I got too frustrated, I took a step back and asked what the purpose of the prompts were in the first place. I have journaled since I was a child. I wasn’t lacking in what to write about. I was just missing the discipline to do it every day. It occurred to me that I signed up for the prompts to motivate myself to write in my journal daily. I quickly stopped using the prompts (and I stopped feeling guilty for not using them) and continued journaling each day.

When I journal today, it will be 61 days in a row that I have journaled. All because a couple months ago I decided to keep a daily promise to myself to do so. It has helped me go from sleeping and/or watching shows/movies all day to being more productive every day. A month ago I started writing specifically for my book. Today will be 30 days of meeting my daily word count. And as you well know, if you’ve been following these daily MHAM posts, 21 days ago I started posting on social media every day in honor of Mental Health Awareness Month.

Keeping at least one simple promise to myself every day has turned me into being more content with myself. I hated that I didn’t journal every day. And I hated that I wanted to write a book, but I wasn’t writing a book. There are lots of other things I need and want to do. But having just one tiny daily goal has helped me stay out of the deep dark hole while giving me purpose. And it has the power to help me accomplish many other things. #heber #dailygoal #dailypromisetoyourself #createahabit #journaling #journaler #writer #writeabook #powerofhabits #mentalillness #mentalhealth #mentalhealthawareness #mentalhealthawarenessmonth #mentalhealthinthetimeofcorona #coronavirus #covid19 #corona2020 #letsbereal #31in31at31 #agamutofgrey #lifeisbeautiful #may2020 5.21.20

Not a Good or Bad Day 5.20.20

Mental Health Awareness Month Day 20.

I wrote down 31 things at the beginning of the month that I was going to write about each day. So I never have to come up with the topic. Each day I just pick one of those things and write about it. But tonight I’m straying from that. Maybe because it’s so late. Maybe because today sucked. Maybe because none of you would have ever known if I stuck to my original game plan or not. Maybe because I don’t want to write about any of the 12 things left on my list right now.

This morning I was super overwhelmed and stressed, so instead of dealing with that I stayed in bed and watched Grey’s Anatomy all day and took a nap when I couldn’t keep my eyes open any longer. When I woke up I didn’t want to eat dinner, so I didn’t. I didn’t want to do any of my writing, but I attempted to anyway. As I journaled, I became mad. So I decided to go for a drive and get a milkshake (dinner of champions). 

Before I came back home, I sat in my car by a park and listened to “Already Gone” by Kelly Clarkson over and over. Eventually I left the park. When I got back, I continued to listen to the same song on repeat as I met my daily word count. And I just cried and cried and cried. I also strayed from my normal writing routine. My daily word count goal is 909, and I turn on the word counter so I know once I’ve reached my goal. Usually I stop shortly after hitting 909. But tonight I decided to just write, without having my words counted, until I was done writing. I wrote nearly 2400 words as I continued to listen to “Already Gone” without ceasing.

Normally I would say that today was awful (actually I did). But why am I so quick to say that? I still journaled, hit my word count, and wrote something for MHAM. Just because I laid in bed most of the day? Just because my anxiety reared its ugly head? Just because my depression hijacked my mind? Just because I binged Grey’s? Just because I only had one real meal? Just because I went for a drive while enraged? Just because I cried for a LONG time? Just because I never opened my blinds? Just because I never made my bed? Just because it’s technically May 21 as I write this Day 20 post? Just because I felt overwhelmed? Just because I’m sick of COVID and quarantine and social distancing and masks and all the resulting aftermath? Just because I want to disappear? Just because I want to be done?

I guess today (technically yesterday) taught me that bad days are relative. I would not want to repeat today, but it wasn’t necessarily a bad day. I felt crappy for most of the day. It wasn’t good, but it wasn’t bad. It just was. And now it’s over. Days only last 24 hours. May 20, 2020, “we were always meant to say goodbye”. #heber #badday #notbadorgood #justanotherday #greysanatomy #kellyclarkson #alreadygone #mentalillness #mentalhealth #mentalhealthawareness #mentalhealthawarenessmonth #mentalhealthinthetimeofcorona #coronavirus #covid19 #corona2020 #letsbereal #31in31at31 #agamutofgrey #lifeisbeautiful #may2020 5.20.20