Ever since we broke off the engagement and called off the wedding, I knew I wanted to write about my experience. But when and what were unknown, and I wasn't ready to even try to figure that out.
It's been seven weeks since that night. And five and a half weeks since the day we had planned to be married. And I can honestly say, that feels like forever ago. Although, it feels that way, I still am far from over it. But time is healing me, and I know it will continue to do so.
The night it happened, I started "The Gratitude Project." My goal was to post a picture at least once a day of something I was grateful for. (For those of you who follow me on Instagram, now you understand the hashtag "#thegratitudeproject.") I did it for a few reasons. Part of me assumed I would have a hard time and start to have a negative outlook on life. I also know, from past experience, that I tend to fall apart when things don't work out, and I didn't want that to happen.
This project has been a huge blessing to help me see so much good in my life despite things not turning out the way I had hoped and planned they would. I also feel like it helped me turn every possible complaint into gratitude. I have truly been trying to see the glass half full instead of half empty. I feel like very quickly I wanted to post more than once a day because of all of the wonderful things in my life. And the effect that project has had still surprises me as I continue to see the positive in my life. I literally wake up every morning so grateful for all I have, all I have experienced, and all that is to come.
Sunday night I went to visit one of my aunts, and she caught me up on all of the happenings in my extended family, including her own life, that I hadn't known details about. She kept saying how sorry she was for what happened to me recently and what I've gone through. But I told her, through tears, that I can't help but be so grateful for my life. Heavenly Father has literally poured blessings upon me, especially over the last seven weeks. And hearing all that my extended family has been going through and dealing with makes me even more grateful for my experiences both good and bad.
Three and a half weeks ago I FINALLY moved to Utah! I still can't believe that I can call it home! I feel like I'm dreaming! On my birthday, I received a call that I had received the full-time job in Orem that I had interviewed for. It was possibly the best birthday present! So I put in my two weeks notice with Zions and packed up all of my stuff. The day after my birthday, one of my very first roommates contacted me and offered to let me move in with her and her husband until I could find an apartment. I moved in with them on a Saturday, and then I started my new job that following Monday. A week later, I was called to be one of the FHE co-chairs in my ward.
It has truly been such a blessing to have things work out so smoothly and quickly. And I feel so blessed to be surrounded by so many amazing people! I think that is part of why I feel like I've lived in Utah longer than the last three and a half weeks, because I have so many friends and family members here. I am so grateful that Heavenly Father continues to lead my way and bless me.
Honestly, being back in the single scene hasn't been easy. I have felt so out of place being in a YSA ward. And watching others get married or engaged hasn't been easy either. I look at couples and just wonder how they could date or get married. It seems like such a daunting and maybe even impossible task. Part of me feels like I'll never be ready to date much less get married. Yet I know, that somehow and at some point, I will be able to move on and date again and even one day marry in the temple. I feel like that time is far away, but I think it may be closer than I think.
The last month and a half or so has definitely been a roller coaster in going from being almost married to single and from being with someone I love so much to not talking to them at all. But I know that Heavenly Fathers loves me. He loves me so much that he lets me choose who I'm going to be friends with, who I'm going to fall in love with, who I'm going to marry, and how I'm going to respond to life no matter what happens. He will never force me to do anything. I always have a choice. And I have come to learn, even more so recently, that life is much easier and fuller when we put Him first and choose to be positive no matter what. I know that He has a plan for me personally. And although I do not know His timing and all the details of that plan, I do know that it is what is best for me and what will help me to become more like Him.
I am so gratefully for each of you and the unconditional love and support which you have given me. Again, I feel beyond blessed to have such amazing people in my life.
