Recently, I've been thinking about the question, how can I stay humble? In my not so humble opinion, pride is one of my biggest weaknesses, which manifests itself in every aspect of my life. And the reasons why I've clung to pride instead of learning humility have changed during different points in my life.
But lately, I've come to this realization that pride is not the answer. It doesn't get you anywhere. It makes you miserable. It's a tool of the devil. And there is nothing good about pride. It isn't that I didn't KNOW these things about pride. I grew up in a church where pride is one of the most discussed attributes. The Book of Mormon is known for the great displays of the pride cycle, which we see repeat itself over and over again throughout time. President Benson gave a conference talk that is often referenced and quoted talking about pride and how destructive it is. I could go on and on.
So finally at 29 years old, I'm starting to understand why pride is such a terrible sin. Because most don't even know they have succumb to Satan's power through that choice sin, myself included. The phrase, ignorance is bliss, couldn't be further from the truth.
One vain example of how I can be proud is my disregard for the speed limit. I don't even justify it, I go as fast as I want wherever I want. Although knowingly disobeying the law, I still choose what I want, which is to speed. Essentially, by speeding I tell myself that I am better than everybody else and I know better than everyone else. Deep down I know those statements are both false. But the action of speeding is reaffirming pride. Speeding doesn't save time UNLESS traveling long long distances. (I'm not saying it is justified if you're traveling long distances.) So on my 20-30 minute commute from my apartment to work, I'm not actually saving time by speeding. At different points in my life, I've gotten better and again worse at obeying the posted speed limit. For me personally, if I don't pay attention to how fast I'm going or set my cruise control, I will speed. So it takes effort to not speed. Currently, I'm trying to improve at obeying this simple law of the land.
Another example of my pride affects my performance at work. When I first started working at the call center for the Church, I remember taking a few calls where I thought I would try something other than what I was being told or reading. Each of those times, I felt so dumb when what I thought would work didn't work.
Today was very humbling. At the beginning of every call I took, I had NO idea how to solve the problem the customer was facing. But somehow each of those people received the help they needed. (Which most of those times it was from help beyond what I could provide.) It was also a testament to me of how aware Heavenly Father is of us and how much He helps us and how much we NEED His help.
The last couple of weeks have been humbling to me as I've heard about disasters occurring throughout the world. The devastation has been unimaginable! I feel so sad for all those who have been affected by the hurricanes, flooding, fires, earthquakes, etc that have happened. My heart and prayers go out to those suffering because of these natural disasters. With Hurricane Irma nearing Florida, I know it's far from over.
I keep coming back to something my bishop has said to me on more than one occasion: "The Lord will have a humble people." They can choose to be humble or He will compel them to be humble. I can't help but think of this verse from the Book of Mormon: "And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them."
The Lord wants us to come to Him. But the natural man fights that desire. Satan is doing everything in his power to keep us away from God. One way the Lord helps us to come to Him is through our weaknesses. When things are hard, we're more apt to ask for help. We tend to pray more.
Earlier this year, I was unemployed for 2 months. I know for some that may not seem like that long, and in the big scheme of things, it's not. But for me, having gone from job to job back to back since October 2013, and always having a job lined up before leaving my current one, 2 months was a long time! The first week or so was okay. It was nice to not have to work every day. But after a month of that, I couldn't handle it anymore! I needed to be working to provide for myself and for my own sanity. But I didn't start my new job for another whole month.
Those two months taught me a lot of humility and patience. I wanted a job right away, but at the latest, I wanted it after a month. Heavenly Father's timing wasn't my timing. My plan was not His plan. During that time, I kept thinking of my favorite scripture, which says:
"Therefore I say unto you, Take no thought for your life, what ye shall eat, or what ye shall drink; nor yet for your body, what ye shall put on. Is not the life more than meat, and the body than raiment?...
"And why take ye thought for raiment? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they toil not, neither do they spin...
"Wherefore, if God so clothe the grass of the field, which to day is, and to morrow is cast into the oven, shall he not much more clothe you, O ye of little faith?
"Therefore take no thought, saying, What shall we eat? or, What shall we drink? or, Wherewithal shall we be clothed?
"(For after all these things do the Gentiles seek:) for your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of all these things.
"But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.
"Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof."
I knew that He would provide. I knew that He knew what I needed and what was happening. He has ALWAYS taken care of me, and I knew He would continue to do so. Even though I knew all of that, I still struggled with being patience. I hate waiting! (Then again, who likes it?!)I hate waiting for a red light to turn green. I hate waiting for my work day to end so I can go home. I hate sitting in traffic and having to wait to get home. I hate waiting for the weekend. I hate waiting in line at the grocery store. I hate waiting for a response to a question in a text message or chat. I hate waiting for food to be ready to eat. I hate waiting for my paycheck so I have money again. I hate waiting for time when I can visit family or go on vacation. I hate waiting for the holidays.
But today while I waited to pick up a prescription, even though there was no line, I enjoyed it. And this morning while I worked and waited until I was done so I could start my weekend, I enjoyed it. I am learning, through humility, to enjoy the wait and learn true patience. (Because "Patience is not simply enduring; it is enduring well!")
I am learning that the more I humble myself, the more strength I receive to do things I wouldn't be able to do on my own.
After being proud and not opening the scriptures for weeks, I listened to 1 Nephi 15 this morning. In summary, Nephi finds his brothers arguing about the things which their father had said. Nephi was then upset because of this and because of what he saw, which was wicked people culminating in their destruction. So Nephi was overwhelmed by all of these things. BUT before he talked to his brothers, in verse 6 it says that he, "received strength." Then he proceeds to talk to his brothers and ask them questions.
That phrase "received strength" stood out to me. The scriptures don't spell out exactly what Nephi meant by that. But I am guessing that he was able to calm down. I think his feelings of grief left. And I also firmly believe that he was given strength from the Lord. He didn't have the strength alone to converse with his siblings. But because he was humble, the Lord was able to bless him with strength beyond his own.
The last year or so has been one of the hardest years for me. There have been many great blessings as well, but I have also been compelled to be humble many times. Over the course of the last month, I feel like I'm finally choosing to be humble. (I worry that by saying that I'm actually being proud.) In all honesty though, I'm trying to listen more and talk less. I'm trying to be more submissive and less stubborn. I'm trying to enjoy the wait instead of hurrying through it. I'm trying to be more kind and less mean. I'm trying to be more like Him and less like the natural man. It's a slow process that isn't always easy, but it's definitely worth it.
I'm so grateful that Heavenly Father is infinitely patient with me and loves me unconditionally despite all of the times I take a step or leap backwards. I'm grateful that we can repent often. And I'm grateful He lets us choose so that we can learn and grow. I'm grateful that He can help me, if I invite Him to, "Always stay humble and kind."
