Most of you know that I have recently moved back to Rexburg, Idaho. It's only been two weeks, but it feels like it has been so much longer than that simply because I have spent a good amount of time in Rexburg over the past seven and a half years, and it has become home to me. I am currently working part-time at Barnes and Noble in Idaho Falls. I am living with the Riggins, who I have known ever since I can remember. They were recently called to serve in Ecuador as mission president and will leave in June.
Everyone wonders why I moved back to Rexburg if I'm not going to BYU-I. In all honesty, I have thought the same thing for the last couple of months since I felt strongly impressed that I should move back to Rexburg. I didn't know why I was to move back to Rexburg. In fact, when I left Rexburg mid-semester of Fall 2012, I thought for sure I wouldn't be coming back to live. I had actually been considering moving to Utah or Arizona. I have learned that when I make plans, Heavenly Father always changes them. For that, I am grateful because I know He knows best.
So yes, you may call me crazy for leaving paradise in San Diego and moving back to Rexburg in the dead of winter just to live, but I know this is where I am supposed to be. Ever since I knew I would be moving I haven't stopped worrying about how it would work out. I knew it would all work out-where to live, where I would work, etc, but I still wondered how. Now that I am here, I still worry about work and housing, even though I have a job and a roof over my head. I still know it will work out, but again I wonder how. Not a day passes where I am not grateful for the opportunity I have to be back in Rexburg.
Things have been slightly hectic since I moved. Over the last couple of days I have realized that I've spent a lot of time focused on me... Where will I live? Where will I work? Why am I back in Rexburg? Will I go back to school? If so, when will I go back to school? If I don't go back to school, what will I do instead? How can I be a better me? Etc. Of course, I have kind of justified focusing on myself by thinking, I don't have roommates, a husband, children, a calling, etc.
This morning I was thinking about how I am not where I want to be in many ways, and I have a lot of things I want to change and improve. But where do I start?
I attended my former student ward. I really don't remember what was talked about. I was just feeling overwhelmed and stuck with where I'm at, maybe even feeling a little hopeless or alone. I usually stay for Sunday School too, but today I decided I just wanted to go home. I didn't want to continue feeling how I was feeling, so I opened a book by Jeffrey R. Holland entitled "Trusting Jesus." It wasn't long before I was falling asleep.
Panicked, I awoke realizing my ward was going to start in five minutes and out the door I ran. I wasn't too excited about attending my ward. It's a non-student ward, and it's fairly small compared to my home ward or my former student ward. I walked in during the opening hymn and quickly remembered it was ward conference because of the presence of stake leaders. I felt a little guilty for walking in late, but soon enough I felt forgiven and at peace.
Both of the talks given gave me some answers as to what I can focus on now, but President Sexton's (my stake president) remarks were right in line with things I have been thinking about:
-Wandering is never good, though we are prone to do so.
I feel like in some ways I'm currently wandering, and I don't want to be wandering.
-There are times when it is going to be well for me to have a storage of spirituality built up.
I feel like I barely have any spirituality built up.
-You can't come to the bishop's office to solve every one of your problems.
I have recently been thinking about how we must rely more on the Lord, than on those around us, when we are struggling.
-There are return missionaries here who have served faithful missions. In a three month period, you can lose all that you gained on your mission.
This is something I haven't stopped thinking about since I was a greenie in the mission field. While he was saying this, I was actually preparing myself thinking he was going to rebuke/chastise us. Some days I don't feel like I deserve the title of being an "RM" because I don't always act based on what I learned as a missionary. And I firsthand can testify that you can quickly lose everything you gained as a missionary. I have also watched it happen to too many of my best friends who no longer want anything to do with the Church.
-The children of Israel ate manna for 40 years and complained and looked beyond the mark.
Sometimes I feel like I look beyond the mark by not doing the simple every day things I know I should be doing. I think that there has got to be some secret to life besides praying and reading the scriptures, when I know that really is all it takes.
-There is one path of safety: duty.
It's easy to forget, give up, and stop. When it becomes our responsibility, we can't back down, quit, or turn around.
I left sacrament meeting with a greater resolve to want to change and be better. I decided I wanted to try to make prayer and the scriptures a bigger part of my life again. Then Sunday School and Relief Society were good, but again I was feeling overwhelmed by all that I need to do and be. And when I got home, I routinely checked Instagram. I found a post by Al Fox Carraway that I'd never heard put into words, but that I have thought about: "To strengthen our relationship with God, we need some meaningful alone time with Him." -President Uchtdorf Again, my resolve to spend more time praying and reading the scriptures was strengthened.
This evening I went to a fireside for my former student stake. I really wanted to hear President Baron speak. He is one of my favorite stake presidents ever, and I always love hearing him speak. I will admit I wasn't as anxious for his counselors to speak, although I always enjoy listening to them as well.
The second counselor in the stake presidency began his talk by asking a series of questions to witness to each of us that we're all in the same boat. He referenced President Monson's talk from this past general Relief Society meeting, "We Never Walk Alone." During this talk, I had the clear thought in my head, "It's not about you."
It's all about everyone else. Some people say, "It's my life," but really it's His. Everything we have is His. And everything we do is for others. Yes, we are here on earth to have a physical body, gain experience, and become like God, but that is all so we can help our Heavenly Father "bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man." Or simply put, to help everyone else return to live with Heavenly Father.
Think of all of the time we waste on ourselves... eating, sleeping, getting ready, entertaining. And for what? So we can be happy, right?! But that isn't lasting happiness. True joy comes from serving others. So we must figure out how to best meet our needs so that we can help meet the needs of others. Essentially, one we have ourselves taken care of, we can then focus on everyone else. Because it's not about you.
The first counselor in the stake presidency talked about our potential. He said that Joseph Smith taught that God, our Heavenly Father, has not always been God. He was once a man. And we are to become like Him. He said, "Don't ever think that you're not cut out for it [to become a god]. Reach. Be great. Move forward." The best place to learn to become like Heavenly Father is in the temple. Go to God's house and learn about Him.
Finally, President Baron spoke. He focused on one piece of the armor we must put on, which is gird your loins with truth. Why? Because Satan is flooding the earth with lies about sex, families, gender, and your relationship with the opposite sex. How do we combat that? Flood the earth with truth-the Book of Mormon.
Then he focused on the importance of daily scripture study. He said, "The scriptures become a portal to be able to commune with God." And that's when we become a powerful people: when we are communing with God.
This university is a special place. There is a reason you are here. It's not just to get an education. And then he said exactly what I had already received earlier in the meeting as a prompting. Get that education, to get your life in order, so you can bless the lives of others. [It's not about you.] This is the real reason why we need to spend time every day in the scriptures. Not simply for ourselves, but for others.
He also mentioned we need to pray daily. Not just in the evening, but also in the morning. He said, "If you want the light, you have to connect to the light." Otherwise you're faking it, and that wears on you.
The last thing he challenged us to do was to make fasting a full fast a priority. He said that Melvin J. Ballard taught there are two new things we're experiencing on earth. One is having a body. Two is we are the minority. 1/3 of the hosts of heaven were cast down to earth, and they outnumber us. President Baron asked, "How do we keep Satan at bay and get control of our bodies?" Answer: fasting.
President Baron speaks with such power and authority that simply relaying what he said doesn't even come close to giving you the feelings that I felt as I sat there listening.
The closing hymn was "There is Sunshine in My Soul Today," which has always been one of my least favorite hymns. But tonight as we sang it, tears rolled down my cheeks, because there was sunshine in my soul today. It's not about you.
I will study, pray, fast, and do all I can so that I may serve Him and be His instrument and do what He would have me do to help my brothers and sisters return to live with Him.
