An Unrelenting Longing

Earlier this year, I blocked my parents from being able to text or call me and from seeing my social media. I had prided myself for years that I had every right to cut them off, but I never did. And now I am proud of myself for doing what I want, which is cutting them off. I still don't know if this is temporary or permanent, but for this moment it is what I need and what I want.

I keep wondering why so many of us have parents who can't accept us, their children, for exactly who we are as we are. Because I am not a mother myself, I don't think I can try to answer this question. However, I have taken note that it seems like most parents think they know what is best for their children. While birthing and/or raising a child, can make a parent feel like they know their child best, there comes a point when that stops being true.

If parents could accept what their kids think, how they feel, who they are and what they want, I think children would be closer to their parents. I think distance and disconnect comes as parents continually show they are anything but 150% accepting of their child.

Tonight I was watching a movie where one of the main character's father seems to have dictated his life. Towards the end the son finally stands up to his dad and tells him he doesn't need a manager, but a father.

What is it that keeps us children going back to our parents over and over again even when they seem unable to be accepting and loving parents?

There have been multiple times since I cut my parents off earlier this year that I have had this longing for my mother. It seems odd to me that I would want her in my life after intentionally cutting her off. Especially since she failed at fulfilling her role as a mother in my life. 

But I think we subconsciously keep giving our parents chances to show up how we would like them to, and they disappoint us. Basically, it is insanity though. We keep doing the same dance expecting different results. 

I just want my mom and dad to be a place where I feel safe and accepted and loved and cared for no matter who I am or what I do. My parents should have been that for me. They still should be. But they never were and never will be. And even though that has been the case my entire life, I don't think I will ever stop longing for it to be so. I will always grieve the pain of not having that.

And I hope that if I ever become a mom, I can give that to my kid no matter who they are, how they feel, what they believe, or what they want. Because it might be the most painful thing I have experienced and continue to experience - having absent parents.