As I drove home from worked, I cried a couple of times. I couldn't even pinpoint why I was crying. I haven't been depressed or even suicidal lately. Today wasn't really any better or worse than most days. It was a pretty regular day at work.
Right before I got home, these lyrics came through my speakers and made their way to my ears. It was as if the all other lyrics had been lost in route...
"Go easy on me, baby
I was still a child
Didn't get the chance to
Feel the world around me
I had no time to choose
What I chose to do
So go easy on me"
-Easy on Me by Adele
Adele had spoken a truth I didn't realize I had been suppressing my entire life... I "didn't get the chance to feel the world around me". Because I was busy trying to survive as a child and even for most of my adult life. I didn't choose to live in survival mode. When you're in survival mode, you don't think of why you're doing things. You just push through the motions because if you stop, you might not be able to keep going.
More specifically, I didn't experience the magic of the holidays as a child. I was too busy worrying about which of my parents would ruin Christmas first. I was too caught up wondering if we would actually create a pleasant and happy tradition or just continue to live painful and disappointing ones. I think there may have been one Christmas that was magical, but it didn't include my parents. As great as it was to not spend Christmas with my dysfunctional parents, there was still an undertone of sadness because I wasn't with my mom and dad. My immediate family wasn't together. Growing up, it was ingrained into me that we were meant to be with our family no matter how messed up they were.
Now at 33 years old, I want nothing more than to spend Thanksgiving by myself. I am grateful that I always had friends to spend the holidays with as an adult. Many dear ones in my life happily welcomed me to their Thanksgiving and Christmas celebrations without fail every year so that I never had to spend a single one alone. I am also grateful I have learned that I don't owe my parents my presence on any day, especially important ones. I am allowed to choose to spend my time with those I want to be with.
I've been carrying emotional weight related to the holidays since my birthday. Tonight I cracked a bit while driving home from work. Those tears were a tiny release. I have been dreading the holidays, and I keep wishing I could just fast forward to January. Because I don't want to feel the dark feelings that come at this time of the year for me. While everyone keeps asking each other about their holiday plans, I continue to avoid asking the question to anyone. Because I don't want anyone to ask me about mine. I don't want any invitations or pressure to gather with anyone. I don't want to explain why I want to be alone. I don't want to feel like what I'm doing isn't acceptable. I just want to be able to feel how I feel and do what I want without judgment from others.
I didn't get to choose what I did for over 30 years. But now, I get to choose. And this year, I'm choosing to do what makes sense to me.
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