Back to Day 1

My move date and last day of work were all based on the date of my cousin’s wedding. I was staying in Utah long enough to not have to come back up for his wedding on Saturday, June 7th. 

My moving plans changed multiple times. All I knew for sure was that my last day of work would be Friday, 6/6. (Who could forget 6/6?? Haha.) One of my last plans was to leave the day after my cousin’s wedding. (In another plan, I had given myself that day to hang out and potentially meet up with family.)

But, then I changed the plan and decided to be a little crazy like my old self and surprise my family. One of my nieces was having a birthday party Sunday (June 8th) morning. I thought, how fun would it be to surprise them and be there for that?! My brother knew I would be in San Diego a couple days later. (I had sent him a text with an arrival date of June 10th, quite a few plans earlier.) He wouldn’t be expecting me. And my parents knew of my most recent plan, to arrive sometime Sunday night. They wouldn’t be expecting me sooner.

So the final plan… leave Saturday night right after the wedding. I would drive through the night, pulling over to sleep a little whenever I got tired. Then I’d be at my niece’s birthday party in the morning.

Well, I did make it to the birthday party. But by the time I got there I felt so tired and I was hungry. My brother showed no emotion by my presence at the party. (He’s the wrong one to surprise. Haha.) And my nieces were all having fun with their friends and everything going on that they too were unphased by my attendance. My sister-in-law had known about my surprise, so no excitement there either. Haha. I was disappointed and being at a birthday party, even rested and not hungry is not my idea of fun. My brother offered me food and his house for me to nap at. I was incredibly grateful and took him up on both.

Once I woke up, I really wanted to go to the beach before going home. But I still felt exhausted and just wanted to be home. So I skipped the beach and went straight to my parents’ house. They were surprised to see me, though by this point I wasn’t expecting anything from anyone. 

I couldn’t get to the Densley’s fast enough. It felt so surreal to walk to their house again like I did as a kid and teenager for so many years. I visited for a bit. Eventually I walked back home (4 houses and a cross street away).

There was nowhere for me to be at home. I rearranged things between my car and moving truck so I could clear the middle bench of my Honda Pilot. Then I journaled…

“I can’t wrap my head around putting my stuff in that house.

“Oh and I made it to San Diego. I was so excited, but that didn’t last long. I just feel like, oh fuck! What do I do?! My parents, well my dad did clean out the living room for me…

“I just worry that my stuff will get trashed in there. Plus, I will have zero privacy. I mean, thank god I have a car because maybe this indefinitely becomes my private sanctuary.”

And then my eyes swelled with tears and I started to cry.

“I feel alone. I feel worried. I feel overwhelmed. I feel fucked…

“I feel a bit lost like how the hell do I do this??…

“I want someone to just listen to me bitch who can understand. But few know the ins and outs of my parents and I don’t feel like I can bitch about this when I wanted it and still want it…

“I feel sick to my stomach. Not nauseous, but butterflies. Anxiety. Knots in my stomach.

“I think I just move my stuff and set up a bedroom in the living room. I could get rugs. (Because right now I feel like I can’t put anything on the floor.) And it will be enough for now and indefinitely.

“It’s like I know I will be okay. But my emotions are overwhelming. I’m crying hard. It’s uncomfortable and somewhat scary to change and learn to live outside of what you’ve known and been comfortable with.”

I had longed to be back in San Diego, neighboring the Densley’s, close to my family and the beach. Yet I was here, and I was crying by myself in my car. I was finally back in a place surrounded by people who love me, but I still felt alone.

And I spent the night in my car.