Funerals are Better than Birthday Parties

I hate social gatherings. Weddings, baby showers, graduations, birthday parties, holiday activities/parties, etc. We feel obligated to attend these events while dreading them. Then we attend and spend little time with the ones we are celebrating and/or really want to hang out with. At celebratory events, we end up swimming in a sea of strangers. At other events, we end up stuck with family and/or relatives we wish we had no ties to. And why do we keep having these get togethers?? Tradition? Auto-pilot? Fear of change? 

And then there are funerals. Another social gathering most people feel obligated to attend, but nobody looks forward to them. Except me.

I love going to funerals. Usually, it brings together people I love and haven’t seen in too long. We seem to be more authentic and honest at funerals than any other social gathering. We are more willing to show vulnerability because it’s more socially acceptable. Sadness, tears, anger, etc. 

When I struggled with depression, funerals were a place I didn’t have to hide my “unacceptable” feelings and emotions. I felt more comfortable being my sad self around people grieving the loss of a loved one. I no longer stood out as the one who needed to just be happy. I was allowed to be sad and depressed.

Yesterday I attended a funeral. It was refreshing to feel alive and well while freely feeling my feelings and emotions. I cried quite a bit during the funeral, mostly touched by the words spoken and music sang and played. The death was sudden and tragic, but I felt mostly happy. It feels wrong to write that I was happy at a funeral, but it’s the truth.

I spent so many years being suicidal, and even in that I didn’t fear death. I don’t remember ever fearing death. I am grateful I’m not afraid of it. And without fear, I’m free and content. Death is the inevitable ending of this life. And when people sit on death’s doorstep and die, it makes it easier to accept the death of that person and continue living life. Of course, when people die young and/or tragically it’s not so easy. However, I truly believe that no matter when or how people die, it’s their time. And I trust that when I die, it will be my time.

Ironically, I attended a birthday party right after that funeral yesterday. Even though I no longer struggle with depression and suicidality has become rare, I enjoyed the funeral and didn’t enjoy the birthday party.

I kept wondering if I could somehow create a funeral-like environment event without anyone having to die. We shouldn’t wait until someone is dead to tell them how great they were or to reminisce over past shared memories or to gather with those we miss.

Why do so many social gatherings lack honesty and vulnerability? I think that we want to dwell in positivity and happiness. And when we gather to intentionally celebrate something and/or someone, we often put aside any negativity and sadness because we don’t want to ruin what “should” be a fun, happy time. If we could allow ourselves to be and feel whatever it is whenever instead of shapeshifting, we would live much more authentic and enjoyable lives.

Funerals don’t have to be better than birthday parties. We can change social gatherings to be more meaningful by allowing for more genuine and honest connection by creating it ourselves.